When to throw in the towel . . .


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
pammersw is offline pammersw Post #11  July 31,2010, 9:53pm
pammersw's Avatar

has a boyfriend! :-D

Power Poster

Joined: Dec 2007

Seattle native now in NM - I've been everywhere!

Posts: 6,857

See profile

FaintestInkling wrote :
And by the way, OP---I posted before your second post!

I also have talked to women in their mid-to-late 20s who have used Match and/or eHarmony who were "just friends" (for various reasons), and they had similar attitudes. Only for the first week to month would they even communicate or consider meeting. Then it didn't matter whether the guys trying to talk to them had "anything wrong with them or not."
Interesting. Then you get to middle-aged folks like me, who will communicate with anyone who responds, whether or not there is any attraction, and will meet with just about anyone who is willing to meet!
 
  Reply With Quote
surfajl77 is offline surfajl77 Post #12  July 31,2010, 10:21pm
surfajl77's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jul 2010

Phoenix, AZ

Posts: 7

See profile

I occasionally encounter certain types of women in the workplace or at other public outings and after getting to know them, think to myself:

"Wow . . . that's exactly the type of person I'm looking for."

Unfortunately, these young women are usually married to men who were smart enough to pick up on these qualities long before I was able to

As a result, during the late 20s/early 30s period (which is the realm I date within), I seem to encounter a lot of women who would sincerely like to meet someone and start a family, but yet, have these unrealistic expectations in their mind of what their "ideal man" should be, that they continue to remain alone. It's as if they haven't yet realized that what they're looking for doesn't exist. I'm guessing that they eventually they will, just not yet.

Just like I realized when I was 20ish, that there's no such thing as a supermodel with a warm heart, who also possesses intelligence, wit and the ability to hold good conversation.

I've met two girls who were eHarmony "veterans" and both immediately dismissed me after our first (and only) meeting, despite being in fine form on both dates. Or at least in my mind

Both struck me as very jaded individuals who were almost bitter about the fact that they surpassed age 30 without getting married (a common fear I've noticed).

This was two years ago and the last time I checked, those girls are still on the websites, continuing their never ending search for their nonexistent "ONE."

Now, I'm not saying that people should "settle" for anything less than what they want. I've always said that I'd rather die alone than be miserable in a marriage. But at the same time, I've experienced enough trial and error to know what can and cannot be obtained in regards to human character.

I just hope that as I get older, more people will realize this as well.
Last edited by surfajl77; July 31,2010 at 10:25pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
Work_in_Progress is offline Work_in_Progress Post #13  July 31,2010, 10:30pm
Work_in_Progr…'s Avatar

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. ~ Dalai Lama

Pacesetter

Joined: Feb 2008

Posts: 309

See profile

Welcome to the community, Surfajl77!

I can relate to your frustration, though I am a 50-year-old woman, and pam is correct that we deal with the same thing.

In addition to age, I don't even want to mention the reason that is most often suggested for why I'm passed over, but the result is the same - no dates, and in my case, only a few meetings.

If it weren't for the fact that my location makes my offline dating pool nearly nonexistent, I would have probably thrown in the towel on online dating after my first time.

I've got a subscription here that will end soon, and one at Match I began at the beginning of the month, but I don't place a lot of hope on those, and won't put a lot of energy into them, either. Online dating is just one avenue, and I may or may not continue to try it from time-to-time, but I'm spending more time and energy these days on getting out of the town I live in to do things in other areas where I have the opportunity to meet different people.

If I end up meeting someone special along the way, great; if I don't, I'll be having fun anyway and putting more energy into relationships with family and friends.

Good luck to you. Oh, and I noticed in your profile that you're interested in learning to dance. You may want to check out meetup groups for singles in your area - a lot of them seem to set up group dance lessons!
 
  Reply With Quote
Work_in_Progress is offline Work_in_Progress Post #14  July 31,2010, 10:39pm
Work_in_Progr…'s Avatar

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. ~ Dalai Lama

Pacesetter

Joined: Feb 2008

Posts: 309

See profile

D_Lion wrote :
Yep.

The solution is clearly that 50 year old women need to start dating 25 year old men.
Welll...Ick. I don't see that happening (for me), but 35... Maybe. I never thought I'd hear myself saying that or even thinking it, but maybe. I've already moved my lower limit to 42, so I'm getting there...


D_Lion wrote :
Women are beyond saturated with opportunity.
You mean some women -specifically, the younger ones, and not even all of them.
 
  Reply With Quote
esstl is offline esstl Post #15  July 31,2010, 10:42pm
esstl's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jul 2010

Posts: 1

See profile

Well, it seems the perspective you are missing in this thread is of the 20 something single female in question. I'm 25, and yes I'm looking for "the one". But what is so wrong with that? I realize that no man and no relationship is perfect, but I also know what I can live with and what I can't. I've been on many first dates where I was asked out again, but I never replied back, and I've stopped email communication with many eligible bachelors after a few (or even a lot) of emails. The reason for this is that I just lose interest or something about you turns me off. If I get this feeling after only a few emails or a single date, even if it seemed to go ok, why would I continue to see or communicate with that person again?

Just because the date was pleasant and we are both nice people with a few things in common does not make a potential relationship in my eyes... Almost anyone I meet or come into contact with has these qualities, so a potential relationship partner needs just a little more than that. I'm looking for someone that intrigues me and that I'm attracted to, and if you aren't it, then you aren't it. Rest assured, you will be intriguing and attractive to some other woman.

Anyway, I'm not sure this is entirely helpful, but I thought I would add my two cents. If you feel like throwing in the towel on eharmony, maybe its best that you do so. Take a break, clear your head. Your negative feelings about the whole eharmony experience may be infiltrating your responses and interactions with your matches and dates. If your date senses that you are jaded about dating or are unhappy, she probably isn't going to go out with you again. Come back to online dating in a while when you feel more positive again (if you are still single).

Good luck!
 
  Reply With Quote
CluelessinATX is offline CluelessinATX Post #16  July 31,2010, 10:59pm
CluelessinATX's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Jul 2010

Posts: 143

See profile

surfajl77 wrote :
I'm going to assume that by younger, you're referring to ten or more years ago, yes? Therefore, it's safe to say that these types of websites didn't exist

I work with two females who joined both eHarmony and Match.com. Both in their late 20s/early 30s and both attractive by the tastes of the typical male. I conversed with them at work quite frequently, as I wanted to see what things were like "on the other side" sort to speak.

I would watch in disbelief as they would continually close out guy after guy, barely even taking the opportunity to read through their profiles.

I'd say things such as, "Hey, what was wrong with him? He seemed like a good looking, nice guy who's worth talking to." Apparently, this isn't enough anymore.

No one was ever good enough and as the weeks went on, it appeared that their standards became unreasonably higher and higher.

Eventually, they both left the site, indicating that they were "annoyed" by everyone always trying to talk to them.
At least your friends had the decency of closing the gentleman out. Most women don't even bother. They have the "ignore them" attitude you mentioned earlier. I really wish for those women who do look at their matches before receiving a communication, if they know they are not interested, just close the match. It would save everyone time. That is what I do.
 
  Reply With Quote
surfajl77 is offline surfajl77 Post #17  July 31,2010, 11:15pm
surfajl77's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jul 2010

Phoenix, AZ

Posts: 7

See profile

esstl wrote :
Well, it seems the perspective you are missing in this thread is of the 20 something single female in question. I'm 25, and yes I'm looking for "the one". But what is so wrong with that? I realize that no man and no relationship is perfect, but I also know what I can live with and what I can't. I've been on many first dates where I was asked out again, but I never replied back, and I've stopped email communication with many eligible bachelors after a few (or even a lot) of emails. The reason for this is that I just lose interest or something about you turns me off. If I get this feeling after only a few emails or a single date, even if it seemed to go ok, why would I continue to see or communicate with that person again?

Just because the date was pleasant and we are both nice people with a few things in common does not make a potential relationship in my eyes... Almost anyone I meet or come into contact with has these qualities, so a potential relationship partner needs just a little more than that. I'm looking for someone that intrigues me and that I'm attracted to, and if you aren't it, then you aren't it. Rest assured, you will be intriguing and attractive to some other woman.

Anyway, I'm not sure this is entirely helpful, but I thought I would add my two cents. If you feel like throwing in the towel on eharmony, maybe its best that you do so. Take a break, clear your head. Your negative feelings about the whole eharmony experience may be infiltrating your responses and interactions with your matches and dates. If your date senses that you are jaded about dating or are unhappy, she probably isn't going to go out with you again. Come back to online dating in a while when you feel more positive again (if you are still single).

Good luck!
Ah, I know better than to my let frustrations with dating negatively impact the actual dates I go on

You do bring up a good point and I even state in my eHarmony profile that you could list all of the qualities you want in a person on paper, but that still doesn't necessarily mean that you'll "click."

But let me ask you this: Have you ever been rejected numerous times by men who have ignored you after one date because of something (and you don't know what) that turned them off?

I have a female friend who was throwing a huge fit a few weeks ago because a guy rejected her after two dates. He didn't give her any indication, he just flat-out stopped talking to her and she was extremely distraught - wanting an explanation and in total shock.

I had to laugh, while I explained to her that this is what many guys deal with day in and day out. Being snubbed for reasons that we're unaware of.

You know, I went out with a girl once in college who flat out told me: "I'm just not attracted to you. You are way too into yourself."

Sure, I was upset - but I also gained a tremendous amount of respect for this girl and we remain friends to this day. I took her complaint into consideration and have learned a great deal from it, enabling me to become a significantly better person as a result.

Someone people, believe it or not, like knowing what they're doing wrong so they can grow Or maybe that's just me?

However, if I get along with someone on a first date and sense a physical and personal attraction with them, combined with good conversation, then I have no reason as to why I wouldn't want to see them again. Sparks aren't always going to fly within the first five minutes of meeting - although I feel that a lot of people think that they're supposed to.
Last edited by surfajl77; July 31,2010 at 11:27pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
Bikshandi is offline Bikshandi Post #18  July 31,2010, 11:15pm
Bikshandi's Avatar

dating again

Newbie

Joined: Jul 2010

Australia

Posts: 19

See profile

I am 33, female, and not looking to find "the one". Why? Because I would rather be with someone who meets my idea of the important qualities rather than wait for "the one" who may never come along.

I am not saying that I have lowered my standards and would settle for just anyone, but I have reassessed my list of "must haves" and decided that not everything on that list was actually important. The things that have stayed are what really matter to me, so if I can find someone who has these qualities I would be happy.
 
  Reply With Quote
John_the_savage is offline John_the_savage Post #19  August 1,2010, 12:17am
John_the_sava…'s Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Mar 2010

Malpais

Posts: 11

See profile

Do you ever get a reason for being rejected? In 18 months I have met 20 women in person through eharmony and the most these ever developed was 4 dates. I usually get the explanation, "You're a nice guy, but I don't think we're a good fit."

I have been sharing my dating stories with my female friends and they agree. The majority of women aren't attracted to "nice" guys. Nice guy meaning: too agreeable, no mystery, no spine, no desire for them to chase as they already got you. They may want a "nice guy" to settle down with but they're initially attracted to the bad guys.

I have tweaked my dating strategy and have seen some noticeable results. I haven't changed who I am but I have changed the first impression I make. Some ways I have done this is by:
  • Start a friendly debate or disagreement
  • Leave some mystery. Let your match have fun getting to know you. Sometimes a curious match is an interested match.
  • Don't plan so much. I was notorious for planning future dates before the first was even over. Just enjoy the moment and relax.
  • Let her do some chasing for a change. I am a busy guy and I have the opportunity to meet different people. If you seem like you're too available they will probably ignore you.
  • Get some interesting questions going. Maybe instead of asking about her career, friends, hobbies. Ask why she is passionate about these things and why she enjoys them. Maybe you can connect emotionally, instead of basing conversation on generalized facts.


I don't know if this was the type of answer you were hoping for but it's the best I got. I do agree that younger women on internet dating sites have plenty of selection and can be picky. If you stand out from the average Joe your chances of success are probably going to be greater. I think dating should be similar to a job search. You don’t just apply for the advertisements online. You network, tell people about your job search, and apply in person. In other words, internet dating should only be one component of your search.

John
 
  Reply With Quote
frogprince is offline frogprince Post #20  August 1,2010, 12:18am
frogprince's Avatar

is at home.

Enthusiast

Joined: Jul 2010

Posts: 774

See profile

You mention that they stopped talking to you after the second or third email. I can't think of a reason not to ask for a date by the second email. Maybe they assume you are not serious. If you are having problems on dates perhaps you should take them to nicer restaurants.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Accept the changes? | Dating | All day date? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
throwing in the towel kscovill Dating 54 February 24,2011 6:46pm
One month on eH: too soon to throw in the towel? FengShuiBlackBelt Using eHarmony 13 August 4,2010 7:24pm
I Want to Throw Up. Can_I_just_be_Jo Love in the Fast Lane 35 July 29,2010 10:37am
Does the "Passionate" Must Have throw up a red flag for women? stylebook Using eHarmony 18 February 23,2010 1:23pm
What do I do now? Don't throw rocks! charmed4261 Relationships 15 May 18,2009 10:44am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“The tennis ball story is a good analogy, RD, and that's how I interpret "gut feeling" -- a conclusion/sense of something that's a thought, not a feeling; though it will have feelings associated with ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “Is Your Gut Leading - or Misleading You?” discussion

“Agree. Given where you are emotionally, I would cease all communication with Mr. Trade Show. You're vulnerable. He's up for a challenge. It's playing with fire. You'll be in a bad place in the ... ” –  emma_hazards

Join the “Received lovely email from former poofer” discussion

“How about phone calls, then?” –  barbarella_42

Join the “Advice on Response time” discussion

“I have never spoken to a woman like he has. Yeah, I have never spoken to a woman like that either. It is a hard call to whether he is just as jerk, or whether he is a player. Both are feasible ... ” –  ScottK

Join the “So, men. Explain this to me, please!” discussion

“I have come to this same conclusion. Thank you.” –  bibittyboo

Join the “Confused about date #2” discussion

“Harmonygirl, I do not usually make up my mind on blanket situations but instead would examine each one on it's own merits, so I cannot answer your question. However, just in the going about of daily ... ” –  Ephemera

Join the “Atheism, Religion and Tolerance” discussion

“I was ok until the kiss on the cheek part....That doesn't sound like your defenses were up at all... It's one thing for a guy to walk up and start with the cheesy lines....But as soon as I say, "no ... ” –  Ingytravel

Join the “So this guy walks into a bar . . .” discussion

“ No. It is not wise. You have to throw all your eggs into one basket for love to work at all. Relationships are inherently riskier than careers. You can't use the same rules. You might lose ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Becoming Exclusive” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 3:12pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0