Does dinner at his house......


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itsabeatutifulday is online now itsabeatutifulday Post #1  July 31,2010, 1:05pm
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thinking of taking a break from the wild, wacky world of online dating

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mean I am dessert???? I have gone out with a guy 3 (1 first meet and 2 dates) times, seems nice like a gentleman. He has invited me to dinner at his house on Sunday, very casual, just grilling out steaks and my favorite bottle of wine. I accepted as it sounded nice to chat and be in less formal setting than a restaurant. But I am now wondering if i am being naive and he is expecting much more. I like him, but I am definitely not ready to take that step yet. What is the best way to handle? Thanks so much,
Last edited by itsabeatutifulday; July 31,2010 at 1:08pm.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  July 31,2010, 1:11pm
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I would go on the dinner, and if he then askes for more (in an appropriate way), simply state one or more of your criteria for intimacy.

For instance, that you wish to establish that your partner is exclusive, that you need to be married, whatever.

Personally, I would be hoping for intimacy (though having the dinner on a Sunday makes it unlikely, as I would be sleeping together as well.)

***

I consider it fine to maturely ask for intimacy, and also to counter being asked. Neither option is a bad thing.

I would suggest giving two points some thought:

- By declining, he may conclude you are not attracted to him or interested in him. If in fact you are, I suggest thinking through a response which implies deferral, rather than refusal.

- By refusing, you risk appearing dogmatic or unthoughtful (especially if you reply with a "rule," e.g., "it is my 'rule' to wait 90 days.") I recommend not taking this manner of reply.

***

I see this invitation as a good thing.
Last edited by D_Lion; July 31,2010 at 1:17pm.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #3  July 31,2010, 1:21pm
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he is hoping for having dessert...preferably with cherries....

You just have to let it flow and if he pursues something you just tell him you arent ready and hell respect that...but if you do that then it will be up to you to initiate it later.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #4  July 31,2010, 1:22pm
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Unless he throws a net around you when you walk in, you'll have ample time to discuss your wishes for the evening.
I'd go easy on the distilled beverages, though.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #5  July 31,2010, 1:27pm
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Well we don't know what his expectations are! But go, it sounds nice. You don't have to meet whatever expectations he has if you don't want to.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #6  July 31,2010, 1:31pm
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No, it does not mean you are dessert. It means you get to know more about him by seeing him at home, and he gets to play host. Think of it as a gift.

If you are interested in "being dessert," I expect that would be possible. If not, then you can make it clear that you like him and are interested in him, but not yet ready for that. Whatever are your expectations in that regard should be made clear by both of you at that point.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #7  July 31,2010, 1:39pm
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wrote :
Does dinner at his house mean I am dessert?
LOL ...I love the way you phrased that!

I would say that if he's been acting like a gentleman thus far - not being too forward or preoccupied with sexual topics - there is no reason to believe that Mr. Hyde is going to come jumping out of his pants ...

HOWEVER, whether or not he is expecting sex, you should expect that an attempt will be made to 'up the ante' regarding kissing/appropriate touching and possibly 'making out' (because that's what I'd advise him to do - no guy wants to risk being friend-zoned) ...and be prepared for it. Just be clear on and communicate your boundaries and what you feel comfortable with.

If you aren't comfortable with taking *any* step yet, I would advise you to cancel this date and suggest a more appropriate - neutral and formal - setting.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #8  July 31,2010, 1:45pm
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BikerBeagle wrote :
LOL ...I love the way you phrased that!

I would say that if he's been acting like a gentleman thus far - not being too forward or preoccupied with sexual topics - there is no reason to believe that Mr. Hyde is going to come jumping out of his pants ...

HOWEVER, whether or not he is expecting sex, you should expect that an attempt will be made to 'up the ante' regarding kissing/appropriate touching and possibly 'making out' (because that's what I'd advise him to do - no guy wants to risk being friend-zoned) ...and be prepared for it. Just be clear on and communicate your boundaries and what you feel comfortable with.

I agree with all of this.


BikerBeagle wrote :
If you aren't comfortable with taking *any* step yet, I would advise you to cancel this date and suggest a more appropriate - neutral and formal - setting.

The problem here, is that declining his hospitality is something I do not think would go over well.

Seriously, would you keep a woman at that point? I probably would not.

Three meetings is enough to be at each others' house. Unless money is growing on trees, it is also appropriate.
 
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Rainfallgirl is offline Rainfallgirl Post #9  July 31,2010, 2:39pm
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I have been over to men's houses for dinner earlier than date 3, even, and it was absolutely fine. It was an opportunity to learn more about them and see them in their natural setting.

I prefer men who are good cooks and comfortable at home rather than ones that like going out all the time and so it is quite useful for me to have this opportunity early on.

I have never been desert unless I wanted to be.
 
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Lostintranslation is offline Lostintranslation Post #10  July 31,2010, 2:50pm
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Maybe it is just dinner and dessert is some food item?

If it does come up - state what is true from your perspective and have an adult conversation.

It really is that simple.
 
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