Do Political and Social Views Affect Our Choices in Who We Date?


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Ephemera is offline Ephemera Post #21  July 29,2010, 2:33pm
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Raw Truth,
I have a very different definition of what open-minded means to me. I think of it more like a live and let live kind of philosophy. To me it means that people can be just about anything and it's okay. As long as no one is hurting anyone (unless they are into it - blue dolphin, blue dolphin!) and no sea turtles are being choked I'm cool with it. I think it makes me a happy person as I am free to occupy myself with thoughts of which trees to cut and which lipstick to wear and how many cookies I can eat before they need to be considered my dinner.
I think you have a very different view of the world and maybe not enough cookies.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #22  July 29,2010, 2:41pm
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Cape_Codder wrote :
It's not realistic to cover these issues with one broad stroke of opinion. Specifically, I know of several friends who's spouse does not follow the same religion. Jewish/Catholic, etc.

One couple specifically embrace each others values and ideals and have a terrific marriage.

Sure one view like religion may not matter but it also depends on what rules you set.

For example within the couple alone the religion isnt that big of an issue...but what if they have children? Are they going to discuss it rationally or will ones views or opinions be imposed on the other.

I have had some conversations with some women who were jewish and they dont have a problem with him having different religion than they do but they believe their children must be raised jewish..end of discussion.


These views...along with others...dont really come out in dating...but come out from living together and being in a committed relationship or marriage.
 
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Cape_Codder is offline Cape_Codder Post #23  July 29,2010, 2:45pm

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Raw_Truth wrote :
"Open-minded" = I want to change your views and/or I deserve to know how/why you think the way you do. It's simply tribalism 101.

Anyone ever wonder why ALL studies on the subject of life fulfillment show those that are liberal/left/"progressives" have universally less fulfilling, less happy and less successful lives???

They're too busy trying to change what other people think, too busy letting what others think affect them and otherwise paying attention to things and people that don't concern them. Not only does that never work (but as we all know this type of action is an exercise in self validation) you can't rely on someone else to make you happy, even "gettin' all up in the grill" of a (potential) S/O.
If you are this passionate about your beliefs, when do you broach these subjects with someone new that your dating.

From what I have seen on these boards, political and social concerns have not been set as a priority.
 
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Cape_Codder is offline Cape_Codder Post #24  July 29,2010, 2:50pm

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ami1uwant wrote :
Sure one view like religion may not matter but it also depends on what rules you set.

For example within the couple alone the religion isnt that big of an issue...but what if they have children? Are they going to discuss it rationally or will ones views or opinions be imposed on the other.

I have had some conversations with some women who were jewish and they dont have a problem with him having different religion than they do but they believe their children must be raised jewish..end of discussion.


These views...along with others...dont really come out in dating...but come out from living together and being in a committed relationship or marriage.
This is exactly what I am getting at. We can dwell on the fact that he is 5'8" instead of 5'10" or that she is 20 pounds heavier than he likes, but central issues that go to our core values that you just brought out don't seem to get addressed until far too late.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #25  July 29,2010, 3:05pm
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Cape_Codder wrote :
This is exactly what I am getting at. We can dwell on the fact that he is 5'8" instead of 5'10" or that she is 20 pounds heavier than he likes, but central issues that go to our core values that you just brought out don't seem to get addressed until far too late.
Really? So what do you talk about while out on dates? Maybe I live in a bubble, but quite often on even first dates politics, religious beliefs, family values, other assorted more serious topics certainly get discussed.
 
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coffeetogoplease is offline coffeetogoplease Post #26  July 29,2010, 3:13pm
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Interesting topic. I was going to say no influence. I really enjoy discussing issues with others and learning from their points of view, whether or not they change mine. But then I realized that I have closed matches because of extreme views in their profiles. I don't think it was the viewpoint, it was their lack of acceptance of other's views that was the issue for me. I also was closed by someone on Chemistry because I had liberal in my profile - you have to have a label there. The funny thing is from what he said, I think we would have been more similar than different on politics, I just felt more liberal the day I filled it out. It seems rather silly to cut out a large portion of the potential dating pool without even seeing if you mesh. But again, I believe we would not have been compatable, not because he is a conservative but because he can't tolerate other views. In my dating these things do come up because I like to discuss issues. I too have the debate question in my first questions because I enjoy discourse and learning....

I can't really think of any one issue that would be a dealbreaker - although beliefs could lead to lifestyle incompatabilities that would be as others have pointed out.

So how do you think we should go about being more proactive in sorting this out early on CC?
 
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Cape_Codder is offline Cape_Codder Post #27  July 29,2010, 3:22pm

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coffeetogoplease wrote :
Interesting topic. I was going to say no influence. I really enjoy discussing issues with others and learning from their points of view, whether or not they change mine. But then I realized that I have closed matches because of extreme views in their profiles. I don't think it was the viewpoint, it was their lack of acceptance of other's views that was the issue for me. I also was closed by someone on Chemistry because I had liberal in my profile - you have to have a label there. The funny thing is from what he said, I think we would have been more similar than different on politics, I just felt more liberal the day I filled it out. It seems rather silly to cut out a large portion of the potential dating pool without even seeing if you mesh. But again, I believe we would not have been compatable, not because he is a conservative but because he can't tolerate other views. In my dating these things do come up because I like to discuss issues. I too have the debate question in my first questions because I enjoy discourse and learning....

I can't really think of any one issue that would be a dealbreaker - although beliefs could lead to lifestyle incompatabilities that would be as others have pointed out.

So how do you think we should go about being more proactive in sorting this out early on CC?
There are some on these boards that do proactively address these issues early on when dating, others do not. The issue and/or point I made is that far more time is spent discussing and evaluating secondary issues that are often times used during the initial screening process that the more substantive issues.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #28  July 29,2010, 3:27pm
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DancingFool wrote :
Really? So what do you talk about while out on dates? Maybe I live in a bubble, but quite often on even first dates politics, religious beliefs, family values, other assorted more serious topics certainly get discussed.
What happens more often on first dates is people do talk about some of this stuff but on a higher level and lacking in detail or nuances. Someone might say they were raised catholic but that doesnt address what their view are on items like abortion, sex before marriage, or they believe in corporal punishment.

They talk about wanting to have kids but not much on how they will be raised.

They will talk about family values but only the ones that 75% of the population agrees on.

In general many who date are only focused on sex, attraction and "fun" and not much else.

I have said this before..sex to early in a relationship is a killer in the long run because you enjoy the sex and ignore who the person is either because you dont want to get into a fight and lose that person or you are so infantuated that you forget who the person is and what they are saying. You only realize this years later after you discover what s/he is really like and what their values really are.

Its not that you two grown apart (unless you were 18-22 when you got married) but you ignored warning signs from earlier or didnt ask the right questions.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #29  July 29,2010, 3:33pm

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ami1uwant wrote :
This is the heart of the issue on viewpoints. They are beans in a relationship.

Is closeminded mean you have already decided your views and cant be changed by her...or doe that mean you arent open to discussion or debate.

Bringing opinions closer together doesnt work if the beliefs are founded on irrationality.

Try and talk to someone (conspiracy theorist) that believes the moon was not landed on but instead some hollywood prop stunt.
This is just what I have observed, open minded people have thought out, rationally, their beliefs. It is irrational to believe that you know everything. When new information is presented to you, you weigh it against the information you used to define your opinion. The more rational information wins out even if that means changing your belief.

I hope this comment doesn't get me in trouble but those that stubbornly cling to beliefs faced with hard evidence that they are wrong tend to be those that did not come to their beliefs in a rational way.

Belief in god is rational by the way. There is not enough evidence to prove or disprove his existence.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #30  July 29,2010, 3:39pm
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DancingFool wrote :
Really? So what do you talk about while out on dates? Maybe I live in a bubble, but quite often on even first dates politics, religious beliefs, family values, other assorted more serious topics certainly get discussed.

My posting just went poof......sigh....

Many people dont talk in detail about these topics. They only talk a higher level like..... "what is your religion?"...."but not "so do you go to church 3 times a week and are active in the social calendar through the church?" Someone may say they are catholic...but they arent asked about abortion, sex before marriage, or corporal punishment.

You talk about wanting kids...but not in details about raising kids.

You talk about family values but only just talk about the ones 80% of the population agrees on..not the 20% beliefs that may alienate people or may cause a fight or serious discussion.

I have said this before...this is why having sex too soon in a relationship is a bad thing because it clouds your judgment, you are afraid to discuss some controversial topics with the fear of losing him/her over.

Many dont realize the differences until they have invested heavily into the relationship
 
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