Why won't he be my boyfriend?


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neko88 is offline neko88 Post #1  July 25,2010, 11:39pm
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I'm 24 and he's 23 and it's been exactly a month since we first met. We hang out a few times a week. He loves to party, ALL the time. He says he likes me and we've been intimate, and he's very spontaneous and wants to hang out at random times, even late at night. But a day or two can go by without him calling or texting me. He says we're dating but not boyfriend and girlfriend. We had dinner last night with his dad, but it wasn't planned, I ended up tagging along, but he puts his hand on my knee in front of his dad and that was nice, but he doesn't like showing PDA in public. He still has drama with his ex girlfriend (they dated 2 years), he says he still loves her but they havent been together in 6 months and she's moving back to another state in a month. I told him I feel uncomfortable when he hangs out with his exgf and he even invites me to hang out with her and everytime I declined and he says not to worry bc they are just friends even though they fight, and says "dont get all crazy girlfriend on me before we even start going out" and I dont want to feel needy or clingy at all. They only hang out because they have mutual friends, never hang out one on one. When I tell him how I feel, he doesn't say much and he says he doesn't really show his emotion and that he's weird like that, but I don't know if it's just me and that he's not that into me, or he really is just not the type to be all about me? He has once said that he was trying to make me his girlfriend, but his actions show otherwise. I have no idea what to think, he invites me to hang out with his friends, go to the beach, party, but still hasnt considered me his girlfriend. Is he waiting for something better? He hangs out with lots of people, lots of girls because he parties a lot, but he does bring me out too. Sometimes it feels like he calls when he has nothing else planned. He told me awhile back he wanted to take me out to a picnic, etc..and I called him out on it saying he never did any of those things, so this morning he said we should do it on Sunday. Why Sunday? Because he knows there'll be no parties on Sunday so I can be available then? He has no job, so he's always available. Right now I'm trying to play it cool even though I've done my part and told him I invested feelings in him, the last thing I want to do is be desperate, but isn't a month enough to know if he wants something more?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  July 26,2010, 12:29am
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A possible explanation is he wishes not to have (suffer) the "drama" he associates (or has experienced) in a "relationship."

I would say a person "still in love" with an ex, is not a viable partner for anything beyond a "friend with benefit."

Less frequent calls, partying, labeling, and affection are random personal characteristics, which may be a matter of compatibility, but are not otherwise concerns.

I think you are pushing much to fast, in terms of expecting anything in a month (for me, that's usually only two or three meetings.)
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #3  July 26,2010, 2:30am
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He doesn't sound like he's in a place where he can be in a loving relationship. He's still in love with his ex.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  July 26,2010, 4:24am
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You are the rebound girl and that's all. Your instinct about being a space filler when he is feeling lonely or bored is right on target.
 
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greg75 is offline greg75 Post #5  July 26,2010, 4:48am
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Hate to tell you this honey, but all he wants from you is sex or at least female companionship. He isn't looking to date you exclusively.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  July 26,2010, 6:19am
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neko88 wrote :
... he's 23 ... He loves to party, ALL the time. ...
He is not interested (at this time) of a serious relationship.

Since you are looking for serious relationship I would suggest that you move on and look for what you want from another guy. This guy may decide that he is interested in a serious relationship next month, next year, 5 years from now or never. However, when he does decide that is what he wants it is not likely it will be with you. You have been put into the FWB zone and it is not likely that you will get out of that with him. JMO.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #7  July 26,2010, 6:51am
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It sounds as though he isn't ready to be anyone's boyfriend. He's enjoying being single and playing the field--probably because of the heartache over the breakup with the ex.

You would be better off ending this FWB arrangement and finding someone who is ready to be in a committed relationship.
 
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neko88 is offline neko88 Post #8  July 26,2010, 8:57am
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Thanks for all your replies, they are very helpful. I'm not sure how to go about telling him what I want without sounding clingy or desperate. I know when he was with his ex, they partied a lot together, they used to live together and throw parties. She's moving in a month anyway, should I expect I will have nothing to worry about then? I don't want to feel like I'm making excuses for him, but I do want to know where we stand, because I'm not sure how much longer I can take not knowing if he's really into being serious with me or not. How should I go about saying it? Next time he calls and asks me to hang out, should I do it in person or say it via phone? Or should I say we can still hang out but not have sex?
 
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TheProdigy is offline TheProdigy Post #9  July 26,2010, 9:01am

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Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

He doesn't want commitment, but at least he is the honest type and not the kind to say he wants to be your boyfriend and then just cheat on you left and right.

But you'd be best to move on...
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #10  July 26,2010, 9:11am
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Hi neko!

Both his words ("we're dating but not bf and gf") and all his actions are saying that he enjoys spending time with you, doing whatever you do together, but that's it. No commitment. No relationship.

If you want to continue to see him, you have to accept that. If you don't want to accept that, you have to stop seeing him.

BTW from your post I have to say it kind of sounds like you don't even like this guy. You say a lot of negative stuff about him, but nothing really positive about him -- party animal, no job, telling you "don't go crazy gf on me", all into drama with the ex, inconsistent PDA -- only in front of his dad? ewww.

Do you actually like him? Perhaps consider finding someone you like and respect, who wants the same kind of relationship you do.

Sorry!
 
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