Why won't he be my boyfriend?


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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #21  July 26,2010, 7:38pm

has only threatened to give up

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you are not clingy and desperate. first get that out of your head and stop worrying about what he thinks of that.

You want two different things. You were intamate with him. you are learning very quickly what that does to you when a comittment is not established.

Girl, serioulsy, run. Run before this guy wrecks your life. You are in two very different places right now and the best thing you can do is get out.

Date him again in the future if you want but first realize that you want two different things, neither is wrong but he is taking advantage of you not realizing how much damage he is doing to you in the process.

you are not clingy and desperate you are a young woman who wants to be loved and in a comitted relationship. nothing wrong with that and standing up for what you want. Don't be afraid to lose this guy because he can't give you that now and you know it. sticking around wont help him realize it either.

own your feelings, then act on it. I mean the feelings about what you want -- for yourself. Then be honest about the fact he can't provide that for you.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #22  July 26,2010, 7:46pm

has only threatened to give up

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ps. I can read that letter and be certain he already knows you feel that way and he knows what he's doing. I don't think you need to spell it out for him. Please know it's not that he's been hurt, it's not that you have different communication styles. By reading your letter it's clear that you have been hurt in this situation and I think you are still giving him far more benefit of the doubt here than you owe him.

Send a letter if it makes you feel better, but it does sound a little like the guy is stupid. If you have to explain it in that kind of detail one has to wonder if you have been dating a chimpanzee who does not understand human emotions and customs whatsover. Or like talking to a five year old.

Do you really have much respect for a five year old? Do you really want to teach this person who can't figure this stuff out himself and do the right thing?

Sorry if I sound harsh. I wish someone had said the same to me when I was so very much like you. Might have saved me some heartache. Not that I would've listened of course.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #23  July 26,2010, 8:05pm
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neko88 wrote :
Okay, I was thinking about saying something along the lines of this next time he calls me. Is this okay?

/snip/ if you really like me, then let me know if you actually want something more than just some pseudo girlfriend that you snuggle and hold hands with,/snip/ .
This is all you need to say. And, you could follow up with "because I am looking for a more meaninful relationship. So far, this is not it."

Be ready to walk away from this one.
 
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cosmicwonder is offline cosmicwonder Post #24  July 26,2010, 8:29pm
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Yes, do walk away and don't look back. Just buy a good v!brator. Trust me....
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #25  July 26,2010, 10:00pm
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Neko I have to say I don't hold out a lot of hope for this ... but here I am however many miles away from you and never met either of you. So who knows.

If you're going to tell him you want more, it's better to keep it simple. Don't bring up the ex, don't bring up his friends. Just say what you want ... "I want a committed relationship". If he asks what that means, tell him what it means to you. "We are not seeing other people, we make time for each other, we are contemplating a future" or whatever it means to you.

If you throw too many things into the discussion, it gets very difficult to wade your way through it.

But if you do this, you need to follow through. If he says "yeah ok" but nothing gets better ... you have to walk. Good luck!

(I agree with Tymm ... don't underestimate what you're offering this guy ... your heart. It's very valuable.)
 
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neko88 is offline neko88 Post #26  July 26,2010, 11:15pm
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UPDATE

So I finally told him how I felt and he said that he just got out of a long arduous breakup with his ex 6 months ago and is not ready to be anyones boyfriend unless he knows he will be with them for a long time. I already expected this but it still breaks my heart, now I just have to accept it and try to move on. I haven't dated a guy in a year and a half and when I finally really do like somebody, it turns out like this, I feel awful, but I know time will heal.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #27  July 27,2010, 6:54am
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As heartbreaking as this is, at least now you know where you stand. Yes, it will be painful for a while, but you've learned a lot about yourself and what you want in a partner.

Thanks for letting us know what happened. Good luck.
 
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snakedoc1125 is offline snakedoc1125 Post #28  July 27,2010, 7:21am
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Just go along and no your limits. The guy you wanted is a party lover as you said awhile ago. He is used to be with other people and might treating other girls same as he treats you, but thats ok if ever just don't expect too much and be careful on your decisions. Goodluck....
 
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Tyym is offline Tyym Post #29  July 27,2010, 10:54am
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neko88 wrote :
UPDATE

So I finally told him how I felt and he said that he just got out of a long arduous breakup with his ex 6 months ago and is not ready to be anyones boyfriend unless he knows he will be with them for a long time. I already expected this but it still breaks my heart, now I just have to accept it and try to move on. I haven't dated a guy in a year and a half and when I finally really do like somebody, it turns out like this, I feel awful, but I know time will heal.
I'm sorry for your heartache and disappointment, but I'm so glad that you stated your values and goals and stood by them. You are going to make some guy a very lucky man and in so doing, you too will be blessed. It's easy to talk about establishing values and goals... what we want in a partner and relationship, but often, few follow through with adhering to them.

Risking your heart is part of this process... but now that you've made some significant discoveries in your needs/wants, the next time around (and there will be another) you'll know sooner if your new interest is worth the risk. As time goes on and as you continue to explore relationships, your relationship value system / agenda harmony scale... whatever you want to call it will become much more clear to you. As you meet new men, you'll sooner identify whether or not they are on the same or similar page as you are. If not... they've not done anything wrong... they're just wrong for you and that's completely OK!

I wish you the very best of luck in finding the someone who will value your heart as he values your needs and goals.

Tim
 
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frogprince is offline frogprince Post #30  July 27,2010, 9:44pm
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I say ditch him. I was in your situation once. It doesn't ever work out. You have been dating for a month he has to decide whether he is serious about you. That ex-girlfriend stuff hanging out isn't going to be good for you either. I would say get out before you get more emotionally involved.


Edit: saw your update. Yeah signs all point to hurt feelings on your part from the get-go.
 
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