A little advice/perspective please...never married, no kids??


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
DenBob is offline DenBob Post #1  July 24,2010, 8:00pm
DenBob's Avatar

sees lots of fish in the sea, looking for a goldfish to share my bowl

Newbie

Joined: Sep 2009

IDAHO

Posts: 27

See profile

I am a veteran of eHarmony with some past success and recently have also started browsing the other sites like match. And I am finding that their are an increasing number of women in the 35 and up range that have never been married and dont yet have kids. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with this, so please dont get the pitchforks, torches and rotten veggies ready. But, I will be completely honest and say that "instinctively" a little red flag starts to go up when I see this on a woman's profile?!? I am 40, was married once and have a child part-time. I think I am probably part of the greater norm on that fact of life. I am not entirely sure why I have a build-in caution sign when I see this on a profile, and I am hoping that I can get some clarification and a little perspective from women and also men who may have dealt with this same issue,... either negative or positive.
Thanks for any advice and I apologize in advance if I have opened a can of worms with this one.

cheers
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  July 24,2010, 8:16pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,677

See profile

Wow.

I am 37, and I wish I could find women who were never married without children.

I must live in a bad place!

***

I find children a deal-breaking lifestyle incompatibility, and divorce a serious warning sign.
 
  Reply With Quote
srtaw is offline srtaw Post #3  July 24,2010, 8:26pm

Quick Study

Joined: Apr 2010

Ohio

Posts: 58

See profile

DenBob wrote :
I am 40, was married once and have a child part-time. I think I am probably part of the greater norm on that fact of life.
Just because something is the norm, we should accept it as being the best option? Divorced with a kid is actually more of a red flag for me than is a guy never married. It tells me that although he may have had every reason to make a relationship work, for some one reason or another he wasn't able and/or willing to (and yes, I realize that there are at least two people involved in any divorce and a million and two variables as to why someone's marriage didn't work - not placing any blame here). Regardless, that considered, along with the statistics on second marriages (don't know the specifics, just that divorce rate jis significantly higher for those on their second marriages) I tend to gravitate more towards those profiles of guys who haven't been married.

And just to put it into perspective, this all comes from an almost-30, never married, no kids woman with no current prospects....gee, 35 may be here before I know it!

 
  Reply With Quote
bluskies4ever is offline bluskies4ever Post #4  July 24,2010, 8:31pm
bluskies4ever's Avatar

Winning!!!

Veteran

Joined: Aug 2008

California

Posts: 1,009

See profile

That's quite alright; we're all entitled to flags. Some would view divorce as a failure, and would throw up a flag on that. Didn't Sly say it best ? Different strokes for diff'rent folks....


As a lifelong fan of Dr. Frankenstein and Frankenstein, I'm a tad offended by the torches allusion.

I am by birth a Genevese, and my family is one of the most distinguished of that republic. My ancestors had been for many years counsellors and syndics, and my father had filled several public situations with honour and reputation. He was respected by all who knew him for his integrity and indefatigable attention to public business. He passed his younger days perpetually occupied by the affairs of his country; a variety of circumstances had prevented his marrying early, nor was it until the decline of life that he became a husband and the father of a family.

paragraph one, chapter one

Frankenstein

by Mary Shelley
 
  Reply With Quote
DashMN is offline DashMN Post #5  July 24,2010, 8:33pm
DashMN's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Jun 2010

Minnesota

Posts: 419

See profile

DenBob wrote :
I am not entirely sure why I have a build-in caution sign when I see this on a profile,
Social bias. Someone outside society's norms must have something wrong with them, no? Seems to be the common perception anyway. There are a million and one reasons why someone (man or woman) would remain unmarried and childless in their 30's, 40's or beyond.

Don't buy into the herd mentality that if it isn't desirable to others it probably won't be desirable to you. Or, well, actually, do buy into it, and leave those unmarried childless women to D_Lion and me.
Last edited by DashMN; July 24,2010 at 8:36pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #6  July 24,2010, 8:35pm

Unregistered

Joined: Oct 2009

Posts: 6,908

See profile

D_Lion wrote :
Wow.

I am 37, and I wish I could find women who were never married without children.

I must live in a bad place!
Yep. Preferably the one with nice personality and good looking too. lol
Last edited by PY_2; July 24,2010 at 8:36pm. Reason: yes...greedy bastard am I.
 
  Reply With Quote
charmed59 is offline charmed59 Post #7  July 24,2010, 9:58pm
charmed59's Avatar

Life is good.

Veteran

Joined: Apr 2010

Northern California

Posts: 1,073

See profile

DenBob wrote :
And I am finding that their are an increasing number of women in the 35 and up range that have never been married and dont yet have kids.
The only red flag I see is if they want kids, and you aren't sure you'd like more. They don't have a ton of time to allow you to make up your mind. If they don't want any, and you are in the don't want anymore camp, I'm thinking they are at least as attractive as a divorced with no children woman.

What you may be feeling is you'd feel most comfortable with someone from a situation much like your own. So you may feel more comfortable with a divorced woman with children.
 
  Reply With Quote
bluskies4ever is offline bluskies4ever Post #8  July 24,2010, 10:03pm
bluskies4ever's Avatar

Winning!!!

Veteran

Joined: Aug 2008

California

Posts: 1,009

See profile

It's just that I've known so many wonderful men, and I wouldn't have wanted to disappoint them.

Lillian Gish, when asked why she'd never married.
 
  Reply With Quote
Crcbonjour is offline Crcbonjour Post #9  July 24,2010, 10:05pm
Crcbonjour's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Feb 2010

NYC

Posts: 92

See profile

A RED FLAG? How about one smart women who DIDN'T rush into marriage just to "be married" or "get married too young/immature" or had a career, and maybe even gotten engaged but that engagement did not hold and then afterwards, the pain of that heartbreak makes one not want to date at all for a few years? Then a woman can start to date, find out after 7 years that a guy she's been with has become a superficial A$$, when previously all other lights were green. Then date someone who, after giving them sometime, it becomes obvious is just a little TOO self centered?

It's not easy to meet the right people "outside" anymore than it is online and someone, like ME for example had been VERY HESITANT to try the online world of dating. So some time went by. I have no warts with hairs coming out them, no diseases, no social ineptitudes and am well liked by my friends, who will go to the ends of the earth for me because they know I will do exactly that for them. I am an edcated professional, attractive, funny and down to earth above all things. Guess what?

I just have not yet met THE ONE. And you know what else? I was NOT willing to settle for just anyone. That could be done easily, as so many people do, and THEN get DIVORCED. What my stock looks better with a divorce on it? I've got life experience that cannot be matched by others. I've been around the world, for example. I've got friends on four continents! I traveled extensively for a significant part of my thirties, while I was dating the guy for 7 years (clearly I wasn't waiting around for him either!) and had some really amazing times that I know not a lot of other people have had. I speak two languages, I learned one language in school and attended a language school as an adult to learn another. It was not idle time, you see.

There were also many arranged dates (blind dates) that friends tried to help out with, meeting people at random etc. Nothing sparked. Was I to put an ad in the paper stating "Desperate Woman Nearing 40 Needs Husband NOW for fear of being Social Outcast" Heck NO!!

I know what I want, and simply have not found it yet. I think too many people have married for the wrong reasons. I think kids (myself included, once upon a time) suffer through divorces from marriages which, if really thought of better before going in, could have all been avoided. I'm not suggesting a child should not have been born cause then I would not be here, but it IS VERY PAINFUL to live through your parent's divorce, believe me. Should I have had a child without a husband, to throw off some of my unmarried, no kids STIGMA STINK? I think not as I believe it to be a two person job, as a general rule but HIGHLY respect all the ones out there trying to make a go of it alone based on circumstances they never saw coming.

No I believe I am one of the smart ones, and rather quite a prize to be found, to someone in my age group now. You see, my baggage, as it were, is quite light or virtually non-existant. I am proud of that. As such I think I bring a plethora of things to the table and a nice neat, clean status free of things that can otherwise cause SO MUCH friction in a relationship or the makings thereof, is not on my back. I've also been a part (as the kid) of the whole "parent marrying a single chick thing" and that never went well either, from my perspective or the new bride's either!! My Dad did the best he could for us, but after a re-marriage and new kids come...........well it gets tough. I did not want to be part of any of that or put anyone through any of that. And I WON'T.

So brand me if you will but there is absolutely nothing wrong with me; maybe you should take a look at yourself and start to see what an appealing woman actually looks like? You probably feel this way because you've hardly ever met such rare birds as us - actual desirable women who do have it to offer in spades, but didn't think we actually existed and without any defects. We simply have just been waiting for the RIGHT MAN. Now that's a rare breed as INDEED.

(Online dating here at eH hasn't proven to be worth much at all. Everyone that comes into the mailbox, well they mostly all sound the same, or haven't completed their profiles, nor do they post a pic, so how serious are they? Seems to have been all rather a waste of money as I've gotten repeats sent to me as well! Good job, eH!)

I could post about RED FLAGS all day and what makes me run, but then, I'm not into labeling, categorizing and dissing people I do not know. There are quite literally some really amazing people out there who just happen to still be single because they have not found the right person. And you crucify? To me, this type of person is a rare pearl that came out of the oyster no one else found yet. It's what I am looking for in a man. Don't want divorced men with children - I was IN THAT LIFE and I did not like it one bit. Why would I want to be back in it now, as the adult? No chance, not happening, ever. RED FLAGS!!!!

Maybe all that got me here is I DON'T SETTLE, I am a confident, independent woman who could go out easily get "a date" but what for if it's just anyone? A night home with my dog and a good movie or with some friends is better than any night out with the wrong man. Not about to change my mind now, even though some time has passed by. And I don't see any red flags flying around anywhere near me. BTW, I am not the only one, there are plenty of "us" out there too, believe it or not.

So far, they've not put up any warning signs for the likes of us anywhere that I can see. Maybe there's a place alongside the FBI's Most Wanted list in the Post Office for us outcasts Or maybe they could create a place for all us never marrieds/no kids freaks to go to so we are out of your dating pool, what with out "taint" and all. Hmmmmm, what to do...............
Last edited by Crcbonjour; July 24,2010 at 10:42pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
bluskies4ever is offline bluskies4ever Post #10  July 24,2010, 10:12pm
bluskies4ever's Avatar

Winning!!!

Veteran

Joined: Aug 2008

California

Posts: 1,009

See profile

I agree with Charmed. If her Bio clock is ticking, she's aware that by age 30, 90% of her eggs have died, and by age 40, 99% are gone. So if she wants bio children, marriage could be feasible if you want another child also.

Blended families, on the other hand, have a high failure rate - and among divorced men or women who only have daughters, the biggest failure rate of all. The explanation is daughters don't want their parents to remarry.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« email intentions | Dating | Confused on what he wants... »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
How to interpret "Want kids: yes" if we are too old RedApple Using eHarmony 17 June 6,2010 7:12am
Ex and kids Amateurlover Relationships 36 February 13,2010 7:10pm
Over 40, Never Married No Kids..... dallasbondgirl Dating 41 February 7,2010 8:21pm
Aww Those Ickle Kids Can_I_just_be_Jo Dating 8 November 13,2009 4:18am
How do I date a girl with kids? justwanttobehappy Ask a Dating Expert 12 June 1,2009 4:55am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“I did answer and then also updated with news that I was premature - there is no relationship after all.” –  picklesNcream

Join the “Blast off...!” discussion

“For dating. I'm basically in a (lifelong) rut that I would like to get out of. Sadly, my good friends are also in the same place as I am - if not worse. The topic of women is non existent among ... ” –  JohnNorthSydney

Join the “So I've been thinking about getting a coach.” discussion

“I need some advice. I'm 18, never kissed/dated a girl nor obviously had a girlfriend. I just finished my first year at a top 30 university (full ride scholarship) with a 4.0 GPA. Starting my ... ” –  jrw93

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion

“The point is no me seeing their photos, I can see their photos; it is them seeing my photos. This means nothing can be gauged by any interest they show to you. On FCW I've noticed the non-paying ... ” –  JohnNorthSydney

Join the “Free Communication Weekend” discussion

“TD, Have you PM'd eH_Advice_Host_Eve to ask her for help? She is good at helping people tweak their settings so they are more likely to get the results they want. Please consider contacting her if ... ” –  tink333

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“Did you know OT stands for on topic and off topic?” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “Off -Topic” discussion

“My inner child says I am. Anastasia is intriguing. (Her name too). I like the dress she's wearing in the ad. I wonder how eHarmony picks the couples for their print and TV ads.” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “Where is Becky?!?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 3:09am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0