Confused and conflicted people: anyone have good stories about things turning out ok in the end?


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margaret18 is offline margaret18 Post #1  July 24,2010, 7:23am
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I’ve noticed this a lot on the boards and just experienced it myself with a man I dated for a few weeks. It took a while to sort out - his words and actions were confusing and contradictory but it was obvious the feeling and interest were there. Turned out he had a lot of conflict about whether he really wanted to be dating much less in a LTR, issues with his sons etc, even though divorced for many years. It took a while but I concluded that it just wouldn’t work right now.

There are often threads here about how to deal with people who are confused. One piece of advice – watch the actions not the words – didn’t work at all for me – sometimes the actions are confusing too. And most of the time we hear about the problem and don't hear how the story ended up.

So here’s the question: I am wondering if anyone has good stories about confused people taking a break or getting their act together, and things turning out OK in the end. What happened exactly? What do you think changed?

I don’t need advice about whether to wait for him or not, that is not my plan at all. He hasn’t given up and I do think there’s a chance with time there may be something here. I didn’t know this till the very end but he is in therapy and I think that is what he really needs. I have no plans to wait around though, matching is back on and I am meeting people.

I learned a lot with this one… I tried to keep this question focused, but there was a lot more I won’t get into right now. I tend to fall for complex people, and I am complex myself. I believe there is a guiding force in my life that works for and towards the good, and in this case I can see that, in what he learned and what I learned. For example, he had thought that finding the right person (and he felt I was in that category) would heal a lot of what was going on for him, and it didn’t.

I know every situation is different; I am looking for stories that might give me perspective, since I have never experienced something like this before. I’ve been lucky I guess… in the past its worked for me like its supposed to, when the feelings are there on both sides, things fall into place easily and naturally.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #2  July 24,2010, 7:47am

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not meant as a joke though it is light hearted... I hear Brett Michaels is finally marrying his on again off again girlfriend of 16 years. Unfortunatley it took a near death experience.
 
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margaret18 is offline margaret18 Post #3  July 24,2010, 8:14am
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thanks... and useful.

Either some big life event that startles you into a new reality...

or long slow change.

and there's a continuum in between those two extremes.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #4  July 24,2010, 8:56am
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Rare.. very rare. It does require a near-death or rock-bottom experience (read "extremely dramatic and suddent life-effecting event) for it to occur.

I don't think it can happen slowly and over a long period of time. I think it requires a rather sudden change in direction with some major differences off the bat. (Perfecting the rest of it is a life-long process.... but it has to start out with a bang).

Richey
 
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Co6aka is offline Co6aka Post #5  July 24,2010, 9:04am
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margaret18 wrote :
I am wondering if anyone has good stories about confused people taking a break or getting their act together, and things turning out OK in the end. What happened exactly? What do you think changed?
Regarding "confused" people, something I wrote in another thread applies: "The natural tendency is to see things as you are, therefore the easiest thing to see is what you expect to see; consequently, the hardest thing to see is things as they are; and the natural tendency is to do what is easy, not what is hard."

The "confused" seem to love flocking to me to be "de-confused." (I think that's ALSO because they're confused. Anyway...) Here's more or less how I explain their state of confusion, and suggest a way to relocate to another state. Afterwards they do seem less confused, and their lives have apparently improved, some have said so and thanked me, however they flock to me even more than before, , so maybe not.

Virtual reality; what you think of as reality is really virtual; it's all inside your head; everything you see, hear and feel, everything you've seen, heard and felt. Now, how does what's inside your head (virtual; things as you are) compare with things as they truly are? (At this point most were like deer in headlights.)

Scientists and engineers create scientific/mathematical models, "virtual reality," so that they can simulate and test true reality. Part of the development process is validating and verifying the model by comparing it, virtual reality, to true reality and then measuring the divergence, if any. Often there is divergence, often for a multitude of reasons, and often for unexpected and counter-intuitive reasons, so "fixing" the model is often an interesting and enlightening process. And, to make matters more interesting, models we've already validated and verified sometimes "break" at extremes and/or when previously unknown or unexpected factors become significant.

Our lives, "our realities," are much like these scientific/mathematical models, but unfortunately most of us don't actively validate and verify our models, or at least not as thoroughly as we should, and we don't continue to do so throughout our lives. And, when our virtual reality disagrees with true reality we often, perhaps usually, erroneously blame true reality. Instead, what we should be doing is following time-tested scientific and engineering philosophy.

SO, are y'all now thoroughly confused? Are y'all still awake?
Last edited by Co6aka; July 24,2010 at 9:32am. Reason: I trluy cna't tpye today!
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #6  July 24,2010, 9:51am

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I don't know so much about confused or even have a happy ending to share. I do know that trying to make something work doesn't work and everything happens for a reason.

I believe we change because experiences show us what we were missing. These same experiences could show him exactly why what you have is good so that when you meet again he is no longer confused. Then you can share with us the happy ending.

Clear as mud?
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #7  July 24,2010, 10:18am
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No, I haven't ever had a muddled confused early relationship morph into something livable.

It happens in Hollywood romantic comedies all the time. Not so much in real life, I think. Because it's so prevalent in movies I wonder if there's some archetype under it ... The Rescuer, or something.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #8  July 24,2010, 11:46am
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Co6aka wrote :
Regarding "confused" people, something I wrote in another thread applies: "The natural tendency is to see things as you are, therefore the easiest thing to see is what you expect to see; consequently, the hardest thing to see is things as they are; and the natural tendency is to do what is easy, not what is hard."

The "confused" seem to love flocking to me to be "de-confused."
I agree with the above, and I get a lot of confused people as well. Unfortunately, back when I was dating, I would help them to clarify their lives just enough for them to realize they were still in love with their exes.

As far as the OP, I absolutely think people can change, but I don't think they do as long as life is comfortable enough (ie: their partner is willing to live that way). Moving on is absolutely the right decision. It doesn't leave you holding on to a dream that may never come true, but it also doesn't rule out a future with this man if he ever gets it together and wants a relationship later.
 
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NYCpigeon is offline NYCpigeon Post #9  July 24,2010, 12:11pm
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He's been divorced for many years. This is very troubling. He's in therapy, which is good, but this type of situation is very long-term. And there's no guarantee that he'll ever be normal.

Among other things, my ex was in a constant state of confusion (for different reasons). Yes, that was the word that he used. And he refused to go to therapy. Honestly, for myself, I knew I was never going to be happy with him. It was a constant struggle from day to day, never knowing what other unpleasant situation would come next.

He did manage to conceal quite a bit of the negative side of himself before we married. And he did have a very good side as well. But this confused state he was in was insurmountable.

And keep in mind that in addition to the confusion, he may also have depression and/or other psychological condition as well.

I wouldn't do it if I were you.
 
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margaret18 is offline margaret18 Post #10  July 24,2010, 3:37pm
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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
I don't know so much about confused or even have a happy ending to share. I do know that trying to make something work doesn't work and everything happens for a reason.

I believe we change because experiences show us what we were missing. These same experiences could show him exactly why what you have is good so that when you meet again he is no longer confused. Then you can share with us the happy ending.

Clear as mud?

Clear as mud - that made me laugh. at least it is no longer my mud.

Agree with your first paragaph and wish i could with the second. thanks.
 
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