That "Thing" That Drives Them Away


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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #1  July 23,2010, 5:30am

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Not sure how many people here know I am adopted. I found out when I was around three. My mom told me if she had know I would be this much trouble she would never have adopted me. My childhood was hard and most of my adult life I have struggled to figure out what was that "thing" about me that made my mother not love me.

My mother was an undiagnosed bi-polar, that thing did not exist. She had issues and she took them out on me. Still even knowing that, the thing haunted me. See when we don't know why someone rejects us we can't see it, touch it, or fix it, it becomes this thing.

The thing finds its way into every part of our lives. If you are rejected for a job you want to find that thing that caused them to reject you. When you go out on a first date and they poof, you want to find that thing that caused them to reject you. Here is the thing about the thing, it isn't any one thing so you will never know the thing.

Here is my biggest bit of advice, the thing is not something you need to fix about yourself. It is not a reflection of your value it is only a reflection that what makes you amazing didn't impress that one person. That doesn't make them a bad person either, just not the one for you.

I see so many people here and in the real world that have been so beaten down by the dating process. So many people have rejected them they figure there isn't a darn thing right about them. There are so many things wrong with them. Then they go get self help books. I hate self help books! People!, they are trying to sell you books! Everyone has different things, the books don't help.

Here is what the books won't tell you cause they wouldn't sell the book. That "thing" is only that you are incompatible with that person. You do not need to change you just need to meet the right person. There is no checklist you can follow, no rules that can help you, just be yourself.

Now granted if you are picking your nose and placing it on your dates plate well that is a no brainer. I have never known a person well enough that that would become acceptable. But if you are a person who thinks it is funny to pick up melons in the produce section and ask the guy next to you if he likes your melons then keep doing that. Eventually you will meet the guy that loves your melons.

If you have made it this far, my god you love to read. Take this with you. Whatever you do don't let dating beat you down, don't let the thing drive you mad. The desperation shows, you look like a guy who has one week left of unemployment and the Republicans aren't letting up, it is scary and unattractive. This is not a thing, this is palpable, it is called self-fulfilling prophecy. Your fear will drive them away. Take a break. Listen to your friends when they tell you that you are amazing. They are not lying to you, every person is amazing. Even that guy that you want to kick in the shins every time you walk by him.

After my break up last year I had to face that thing head on. Thing is when I went looking for it I found out it wasn't real. It is gone now, the last bit of pain that held my whole life. After that dating was easy. Do you have a "thing" that dogs you in the dating process? How would you get rid of your "thing"?
Last edited by Can_I_just_be_Jo; July 23,2010 at 10:49am. Reason: D_L is going to have a hay day with that last question. :(
 
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Tipitina is offline Tipitina Post #2  July 23,2010, 6:30am
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This is a great post, Jo, and brings to mind some thoughts I've had in relationships. I'm a rather quirky person, and sometimes I've battled between the thoughts of needing to change to adapt to standard 'attractive' interests, hobbies, etc., and the overriding urge to be me, as I am. A very wise (and also quirky) friend of mine pointed out that somewhere out there, there's someone who is going to find me to be irresistible based on the those quirks (and the rest of me, of course). What seems like a drawback is actually a huge asset, viewed by the right eyes -- and the right heart. I'm hugely fortunate right now to have someone in my life who sees me that way and loves that I'm so different.

You put it really well when you said every person is amazing. The real goal, I think, is to be the best you that you can possibly be -- embrace the amazingness, become friends with it, and be gentle with yourself as you work to improve the things you want to improve for yourself. Know what's negotiable and what is so intrinsic to who you are, that you won't change it.

We all evolve over time, but the trick is to stay true to your authentic self. It's the best gift you can give the world and the people you care for. Don't trade it in for the short term gain of being in relationship with someone who really doesn't deserve you, anyway.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #3  July 23,2010, 6:41am
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Reminded me of an old song.

The Pipkins - Gimme Dat Ding
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #4  July 23,2010, 6:42am

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Tipitina wrote :
This is a great post, Jo, and brings to mind some thoughts I've had in relationships. I'm a rather quirky person, and sometimes I've battled between the thoughts of needing to change to adapt to standard 'attractive' interests, hobbies, etc., and the overriding urge to be me, as I am. A very wise (and also quirky) friend of mine pointed out that somewhere out there, there's someone who is going to find me to be irresistible based on the those quirks (and the rest of me, of course). What seems like a drawback is actually a huge asset, viewed by the right eyes -- and the right heart. I'm hugely fortunate right now to have someone in my life who sees me that way and loves that I'm so different.

You put it really well when you said every person is amazing. The real goal, I think, is to be the best you that you can possibly be -- embrace the amazingness, become friends with it, and be gentle with yourself as you work to improve the things you want to improve for yourself. Know what's negotiable and what is so intrinsic to who you are, that you won't change it.

We all evolve over time, but the trick is to stay true to your authentic self. It's the best gift you can give the world and the people you care for. Don't trade it in for the short term gain of being in relationship with someone who really doesn't deserve you, anyway.
Thanks.

The words I bolded (and underlined your bolded) I wish I had them this morning when I was typing this. Perfect, just perfect.

Troy doesn't understand why I love to spend my free time crunching numbers but he loves that I have such passion for all I enjoy. He thinks it is cute that I bite my tongue when I am working on formulas. Some people have no place in their lives for such strange hobbies he doesn't mind.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #5  July 23,2010, 6:43am

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tweet37 wrote :
Reminded me of an old song.

The Pipkins - Gimme Dat Ding
Why does everyone post links when I am at work and have no sound?

For those that are audio challenged at work.
http://lyricsplayground.com/alpha/so...edatding.shtml
Last edited by Can_I_just_be_Jo; July 23,2010 at 6:45am.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  July 23,2010, 6:51am
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I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

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So should I put your advice in the same category as self-help books?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  July 23,2010, 6:51am
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So should I put your advice in the same category as self-help books?
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #8  July 23,2010, 6:56am

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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
So should I put your advice in the same category as self-help books?
You could but then what do I have to gain by giving it? Maybe it is my strange philosophy but those that don't charge for advice may be wrong but their hearts are in the right place.

My problem with self help books is they want to sell them. Their advice is first given to be different from the other advice out there so they can sell more books. The fact that it must be different tends to make them ignore tried and true methods for problem solving since that is already published.
 
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deegoesgreen is offline deegoesgreen Post #9  July 23,2010, 7:09am
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Great post, Jo!! Wowzer.
I believe!

Two events from my past relationship ring loud and strong in my head, and I need to ban them for eternity b/c I know, without a doubt, that the words said are about HIM and not about ME. They only work to erode my sense of value.
First one occurred very early into getting to know the ex. He was coming fresh from divorce, and while I understand what he meant by what he said, it remains a backhanded compliment that bugs me. He said, "I could have something really great in front of me, and I just can't see it." That's what happens when being compared to a perfect person, I guess.

The other event, met a friend of the ex's and he relayed to me later on how much this friend adored me. Really adored me. Not being snobby, just trying to bolster myself, I replied, "Of course he does!" To which I get, "No, you're not all that awesome." Or words to that effect.

But he's fading into the past, and just as you said, whatever the "thing" was that blocked his vision of me, it shone through serious fuzzy flakey filters.

Thanks for the encouragement!
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #10  July 23,2010, 7:25am

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deegoesgreen wrote :
Great post, Jo!! Wowzer.
I believe!

Two events from my past relationship ring loud and strong in my head, and I need to ban them for eternity b/c I know, without a doubt, that the words said are about HIM and not about ME. They only work to erode my sense of value.
First one occurred very early into getting to know the ex. He was coming fresh from divorce, and while I understand what he meant by what he said, it remains a backhanded compliment that bugs me. He said, "I could have something really great in front of me, and I just can't see it." That's what happens when being compared to a perfect person, I guess.

The other event, met a friend of the ex's and he relayed to me later on how much this friend adored me. Really adored me. Not being snobby, just trying to bolster myself, I replied, "Of course he does!" To which I get, "No, you're not all that awesome." Or words to that effect.

But he's fading into the past, and just as you said, whatever the "thing" was that blocked his vision of me, it shone through serious fuzzy flakey filters.

Thanks for the encouragement!
I could be off here but it sounds like his comments were driven by insecurity. I am going on the assumption that she left him. Perhaps he loved her and didn't hide it. She may have said something on the lines of I am too good for you during the divorce. He may have felt that if he allowed himself to articulate how amazed he was by you that you would leave him too. If this is the case that would be the perfect example of self fulfilling prophecy. His insecurity and not what caused it drove you away.

Thanks by the way.
 
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