That "Thing" That Drives Them Away

I think I understand what you mean. I found myself at 20 and I really didn't know who I should have been. I had hidden for so long who I was to conform, to make my mother stop telling me what a failure I was.

What seemed rational to me was raise my kids as healthy as I could. I used them as a guide to what I would have been. I learned a lot from them. I may not be exactly who I should have been but I am happy with the person I became. I think being happy with who you are is the most important thing.

I was adopted too and i was 7 years old when it happened. My birth mother had another baby but kept that baby and gave me up. I always wondered why she didnt give the baby up, who she didnt even know yet, rather than someone she had already for 7 years. For a looooong time I had issues about it.
I thought if my own birth mother is willing to give me up after knowing me for 7 years then I must really suck and who would want me if she didnt? I had a big time fear of abandonment. I had very few boyfriends but anytime it didnt work out, I thought it was always my fault. When my adoptive father died, my adoptive mother (who also has issues) told me, in her grief, that if I had been a better teenager he might still be alive. What did I hear? It was my fault that he died.

Anyway....I've grown a bit and gotten some wisdom over the years. And last year, I actually got reunited with my birth family and found out a lot of info about myself. This helped tremendously.

but deep in the back of my head there's always that small inkling that "there must be something wrong with ME" when stuff doesnt go right. This isn't true. Not everything in the history of things was meant to go right. Some things have to go wrong so that you know the right thing when you find it.

Not sure how many people here know I am adopted. I found out when I was around three. My mom told me if she had know I would be this much trouble she would never have adopted me. My childhood was hard and most of my adult life I have struggled to figure out what was that "thing" about me that made my mother not love me.

My mother was an undiagnosed bi-polar, that thing did not exist. She had issues and she took them out on me. Still even knowing that, the thing haunted me. See when we don't know why someone rejects us we can't see it, touch it, or fix it, it becomes this thing.

The thing finds its way into every part of our lives. If you are rejected for a job you want to find that thing that caused them to reject you. When you go out on a first date and they poof, you want to find that thing that caused them to reject you. Here is the thing about the thing, it isn't any one thing so you will never know the thing.

Here is my biggest bit of advice, the thing is not something you need to fix about yourself. It is not a reflection of your value it is only a reflection that what makes you amazing didn't impress that one person. That doesn't make them a bad person either, just not the one for you.

I see so many people here and in the real world that have been so beaten down by the dating process. So many people have rejected them they figure there isn't a darn thing right about them. There are so many things wrong with them. Then they go get self help books. I hate self help books! People!, they are trying to sell you books! Everyone has different things, the books don't help.

Here is what the books won't tell you cause they wouldn't sell the book. That "thing" is only that you are incompatible with that person. You do not need to change you just need to meet the right person. There is no checklist you can follow, no rules that can help you, just be yourself.

Now granted if you are picking your nose and placing it on your dates plate well that is a no brainer. I have never known a person well enough that that would become acceptable. But if you are a person who thinks it is funny to pick up melons in the produce section and ask the guy next to you if he likes your melons then keep doing that. Eventually you will meet the guy that loves your melons.

If you have made it this far, my god you love to read. Take this with you. Whatever you do don't let dating beat you down, don't let the thing drive you mad. The desperation shows, you look like a guy who has one week left of unemployment and the Republicans aren't letting up, it is scary and unattractive. This is not a thing, this is palpable, it is called self-fulfilling prophecy. Your fear will drive them away. Take a break. Listen to your friends when they tell you that you are amazing. They are not lying to you, every person is amazing. Even that guy that you want to kick in the shins every time you walk by him.

After my break up last year I had to face that thing head on. Thing is when I went looking for it I found out it wasn't real. It is gone now, the last bit of pain that held my whole life. After that dating was easy. Do you have a "thing" that dogs you in the dating process? How would you get rid of your "thing"?

jo,
I couldn't agree with you more. I think one of the things i try "getting over" is when i see a really attractive guy matched up with me on eharmony. I think omg! i was matched with him?! So i send communication and 99.9% close me out. I'm like omg am I that ugly that a good looking guy doesn't want to communicate and get to know me better? Am I only able to communicate with the guys i don't find attractive or are so so? I asked this to my dad and he said you are pretty the way you are don't change because someone isn't attracted to you. So now when they close me out. I'm just like oh well you are good looking but then I am too but you weren't good enough for me.

Eharmonygirl

I was adopted too and i was 7 years old when it happened. My birth mother had another baby but kept that baby and gave me up. I always wondered why she didnt give the baby up, who she didnt even know yet, rather than someone she had already for 7 years. For a looooong time I had issues about it.
I thought if my own birth mother is willing to give me up after knowing me for 7 years then I must really suck and who would want me if she didnt? I had a big time fear of abandonment. I had very few boyfriends but anytime it didnt work out, I thought it was always my fault. When my adoptive father died, my adoptive mother (who also has issues) told me, in her grief, that if I had been a better teenager he might still be alive. What did I hear? It was my fault that he died.

Anyway....I've grown a bit and gotten some wisdom over the years. And last year, I actually got reunited with my birth family and found out a lot of info about myself. This helped tremendously.

but deep in the back of my head there's always that small inkling that "there must be something wrong with ME" when stuff doesnt go right. This isn't true. Not everything in the history of things was meant to go right. Some things have to go wrong so that you know the right thing when you find it.