am interested in him, but have some concerns


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reenz is offline reenz Post #1  July 21,2010, 6:08pm
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Hi all. I am currently communicating with a match who I met on eH. We went OC awhile back and now write each other plenty of emails. I really like his personality... a LOT, as he seems like a total sweetie. We haven't met yet. (He lives about 6 hours drive from me, though we have been talking about meeting up in the next few months as I have a relative who lives near him who I plan to visit soon). I sincerely enjoy chatting with him, as we certainly seem to be personality compatible. He is 30 and I am 28 years old.

The problem is that I have a few concerns, which I hope aren't shallow reasons (if they are, I'd like to know so that I don't make the mistake). One issue is that he has a good deal less education than I do, and doesn't seem to have strong job prospects. He has his bachelor's degree and is working in field of business (unrelated to his degree). I have a master's degree and am working on a professional/doctorate degree with high income potential. If we were to marry someday, I'd be making about 3-4 times as much as he does (based on his current line of work, which doesn't seem to be very stable right now). I don't have an issue with a partner making a bit less than me, especially if he were more inclined to stay at home and take care of the kids - but I don't get the feeling that this guy has such inclinations to raise kids (though he does seem to have a gentle nurturing side). I don't think it's totally the income either as I want someone who values higher education as much as I do. I would be thrilled if he decided to go on to grad school later on, but he previously told me that he doesn't really see himself going on to higher education.

The second issue is that he seems to be a great deal overweight (at least this is how it appears from his pictures, though I may be wrong). I am not going to be a hypocrite here, as I could stand to lose 50 pounds myself. But from his vague pictures, I think he probably needs to lose about 100 pounds (possibly more). The difference is that I am passionate about my health, and am actively working to change my life... whereas he seems somewhat interested in changing, but more happy with his status quo. He has a handsome face, and I do think he is an attractive man. But the health issues are a concern. I have never dated someone overweight (as all the men who I previously was involved with were either slim or athletic). Furthermore, in the past, I felt quite lucky to date someone who was very athletic and health-oriented who inspired me to better myself and be more healthy too. I am terrified of dating someone who isn't as health-oriented as I am, as I would be afraid of being pulled back into old negative habits. I don't mind his weight if I knew he was passionate about bettering himself and changing it... but I am not quite convinced of this.

I truly like this guy's personality and I'm interested in meeting him. But the above issues do concern me, and I don't know how to address them, if at all. So we are going along having fun chatting as usual, but these issues are in the back of my mind. He seems to really be interested in me (which is so refreshing after my past of being with unavailable men). So I'm happy, but at the same time need to figure out if I am okay with these issues or not so that neither of us get hurt.
Last edited by reenz; July 21,2010 at 6:12pm.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #2  July 21,2010, 6:26pm
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People can value higher education, but not choose to pursue it themselves. But, even if someone doesn't value education as much as you do, that doesn't mean that they can't be a compatible mate. How do you see differing on this dimension actually affecting your relationship in the long run? What difference do you think it would make if he pursued an additional degree (especially if it's in a field that won't bring the kind of money that your field does)?

With respect to the health/weight issue, your focus on living a healthy lifestyle is potentially an important lifestyle difference(although it sounds like that's a new focus for you?). However, it also appears that you are speculating a lot about how entrenched he is in maintaining current bad habits, and whether or not he would be more ready to change with some additional support.

For goodness sake, though! You only live 6 hours apart and you're still not planning to meet for months into the future? Pick a spot on the map midway between the two of you and start driving. You really can't make any decisions about whether to enter a relationship until you meet in person.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  July 21,2010, 6:31pm
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As to his limited income prospects, I think this is very serious.

If you acheive a committed relationship with this person, you are accepting a (likely) permenant decline in your mode of living (relative to what it could have been.) I would not make this choice, personally.

At 30 years of age, if you are inclined to have children, I see this an making further education unlikely. If children were not intended, I would be less concerned.

In terms of the weight, I would see 50 pounds of overweight on a woman as more destructive to attraction than 100 pounds on a man.

To take this further, I would try to investigate the lifestyle you and he have (fitness, activities, etc.)

It may be worth trying to explore the fitness / eating / weight management issue. I see this income / educational objectives issue as more serious.
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #4  July 21,2010, 6:35pm
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If he's a motivated, hard working person who's satisfied with his choices he may be a better match than someone who looks good on paper but doesn't enjoy what he's doing. It's something to consider, but there are a lot of other factors that could influence your feelings on his education/career.

The weight thing I understand, however - I recently lost 30 lbs and would like to lose another 10-15. I had a few matches that were over 100 lbs overweight, sounded nice/interesting, but I just couldn't do it. I've always taken health seriously, but now I eat an almost entirely vegan diet b/c I want to live a very long, healthy life. And I would like my partner to have similar goals - and it's not just weight, but alcohol/tobacco consumption as well. Life can be so unpredictable, why dare it by abusing your body?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #5  July 21,2010, 6:39pm
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neardc wrote :
For goodness sake, though! You only live 6 hours apart and you're still not planning to meet for months into the future? Pick a spot on the map midway between the two of you and start driving. You really can't make any decisions about whether to enter a relationship until you meet in person.

That is an entire day driving, at significant cost.

Another day returning home, at significant cost.

Plus the cost of the meeting itself, at whatever you, I, or the man behind the tree, would spend.

That is assuming they sleep together. If you favor another option for that, unless it is sleeping in you car, add another significant cost.

Multiply by the desired number of meetings necessary to sustain a relationship.

***

While I agree with the importance of meeting in person, understanding the viability of a relationship is important too.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #6  July 21,2010, 6:44pm
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D_Lion wrote :
That is an entire day driving, at significant cost.

Another day returning home, at significant cost.

Plus the cost of the meeting itself, at whatever you, I, or the man behind the tree, would spend.

That is assuming they sleep together. If you favor another option for that, unless it is sleeping in you car, add another significant cost.

Multiply by the desired number of meetings necessary to sustain a relationship.

***

While I agree with the importance of meeting in person, understanding the viability of a relationship is important too.
Seriously? It take you two days to drive 6 hours?

Three hours of driving there and three hours driving back is a day trip in my book. They can still spend a good part of the day together before parting ways.

There is absolutely no reason to assume that anyone needs to be sharing a hotel room or bed together at a meeting like this...lol.

Once they have a first meeting, they can decide whether they want to move forward with more visits and decide how they want to arrange those.
Last edited by neardc; July 21,2010 at 6:46pm.
 
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cupidgotmeok is offline cupidgotmeok Post #7  July 21,2010, 6:46pm
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I think that you are way over thinking things.

meet or dont meet... get it over with...
 
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reenz is offline reenz Post #8  July 21,2010, 6:51pm
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neardc wrote :
With respect to the health/weight issue, your focus on living a healthy lifestyle is potentially an important lifestyle difference(although it sounds like that's a new focus for you?). However, it also appears that you are speculating a lot about how entrenched he is in maintaining current bad habits, and whether or not he would be more ready to change with some additional support.
You bring up some good ideas. Personally for me, I have always been passionate about healthy living since I was a child. The problem is that I was an emotional eater, so even though I knew all kinds of things about wild herbs and superfoods etc, I would still overeat to self-soothe which contributed to my weight. (Also I have some hormonal issues that make it a lot more difficult for me to lose weight than most people.) I am a vegan myself, and am a medical student - so health is definitely a passion of mine. I am working on addressing the emotional eating issues, so that I can have a strong fit body that reflects how intense about healthy living I am, and that gives me the credibility that I deserve as a health professional.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #9  July 21,2010, 6:57pm
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neardc wrote :
Seriously? It take you two days to drive 6 hours?

Okay, I made an assumption that the OP meant six hours in each direction.

Yes, that is a full day with any reasonable expectation for time together, adding gasoline to your vehicle and rest stops.

***

Personally, I would not drive three hours home late at night, after dinner. To me, that is too far to drive late.

I consider three hours a distance that requires staying over, and six hours outside of possibility.
 
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reenz is offline reenz Post #10  July 21,2010, 7:03pm
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neardc wrote :

There is absolutely no reason to assume that anyone needs to be sharing a hotel room or bed together at a meeting like this...lol.

Once they have a first meeting, they can decide whether they want to move forward with more visits and decide how they want to arrange those.
He knows that no sex will take place, as he knows that I plan to wait until marriage for sex. (Yes, he is an awesome guy to still stick around.)

As far as meeting in between goes, we both live in major cities. Between us, there is no major city... just open fields, ranches, desert and campground. So if we tried to meet in between, we'd just be alone in the middle of nowhere.
 
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