Is it okay to change your mind?


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ohmygoshbeck is offline ohmygoshbeck Post #1  July 14,2010, 12:59am
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One of my matches asked me for my phone number after we'd reached OC and exchanged a couple emails, so I gave it to him. He ended up calling me a few days later, but I wasn't able to answer so he left me a nice message asking me to call him back or text him when I had a chance.

Instead of calling him back, I sent him a message through eHarmony a couple days later telling him that I had a lot going on and that I had my hands full with one match in particular that I was hopeful about (all of which was true!). He was super-nice about it and wished me the best and that was it.

Well, now after spending some time on the boards I'm starting to wonder if I was too hasty in ending communication with this guy! The more I think about it, the more I'm tempted to contact him again and see how he feels about picking up where we left off. But how do I do that without coming across like a total flake... or jerk?

So my question is - is it ever okay to change your mind about closing a match?? Or should I just forget about it, cut my losses and move on? Now technically, I haven't closed him and I don't think he's closed me because he's still showing up under my Communicating tab. But the last message I sent him pretty much said, "I don't have time for you right now."

I wouldn't normally care so much, but he was really funny, sweet and we have a lot in common! I'm still speaking to the other match that I referred to in my final message to him and to a couple others and things are going well. But I no longer feel it's a smart move to put all my focus on just one match... especially so early in the game.

This is only my 3rd week on eHarmony so ANY advice would be greatly appreciated. Help, please!
Last edited by ohmygoshbeck; July 14,2010 at 1:11am.
 
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mikeinor is offline mikeinor Post #2  July 14,2010, 2:19am
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You are just playing the field, do him a favor and just move on. You already blew him off once and now you want to put him on the backup list. Please!

Maybe you are worried about coming across like a flake and a jerk because you are acting like a flake and a jerk?

Tell him the truth... "I decided I like you enough to put you on the backup list in case the other guys I am really interested in don't work out. I bet you never thought you would be so lucky after our first go round... did you?"
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Tipitina is offline Tipitina Post #3  July 14,2010, 3:27am
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Hmm... this is a tricky one, and I see it a little differently.

When you meet via a dating/relationship site, it's a given that you're meeting lots of people. It's not unexpected that you'd want to focus on one person at a point, and sometimes it's when you're also in communication with others (the famous "feast or famine" syndrome).

Rather than date both at once, you chose one man and let the other know what was going on. That's an honorable approach, and you have the right to choose that, just as others choose to date multiple people and make a choice later, when one person shines above the other. I don't think that makes him the 'backup.' It makes him the one who didn't get there first, and that's not anyone's fault.

The guy sounds nice -- give it a shot and see if he wants to meet you. Be totally honest with him about your status, let him know that you're still seeing the other guy, and see if he's okay with the possibility of a non-exclusive dating relationship. Just be prepared for the possibility that he has met someone nice and isn't available. Or that he doesn't want to be "in competition" with someone else for your sole attention.
 
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ohmygoshbeck is offline ohmygoshbeck Post #4  July 14,2010, 5:44am
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mikeinor wrote :
You are just playing the field, do him a favor and just move on. You already blew him off once and now you want to put him on the backup list. Please!

Maybe you are worried about coming across like a flake and a jerk because you are acting like a flake and a jerk?

Tell him the truth... "I decided I like you enough to put you on the backup list in case the other guys I am really interested in don't work out. I bet you never thought you would be so lucky after our first go round... did you?"
Lol, ok thanks. Honestly, I'm not trying to be someone like that. He's someone who left an impression on me and I think I just messed up and went on emotion too fast when I cut it off with him instead of thinking it through. I've thought about how I would feel if I was in his shoes and the word flake did cross my mind once or twice, so believe me, I get it. Thanks for your input though.
 
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ohmygoshbeck is offline ohmygoshbeck Post #5  July 14,2010, 6:09am
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Tipitina wrote :
Hmm... this is a tricky one, and I see it a little differently.

When you meet via a dating/relationship site, it's a given that you're meeting lots of people. It's not unexpected that you'd want to focus on one person at a point, and sometimes it's when you're also in communication with others (the famous "feast or famine" syndrome).

Rather than date both at once, you chose one man and let the other know what was going on. That's an honorable approach, and you have the right to choose that, just as others choose to date multiple people and make a choice later, when one person shines above the other. I don't think that makes him the 'backup.' It makes him the one who didn't get there first, and that's not anyone's fault.

The guy sounds nice -- give it a shot and see if he wants to meet you. Be totally honest with him about your status, let him know that you're still seeing the other guy, and see if he's okay with the possibility of a non-exclusive dating relationship. Just be prepared for the possibility that he has met someone nice and isn't available. Or that he doesn't want to be "in competition" with someone else for your sole attention.
Thanks It really was all about timing with him and I even told him in the email I sent that under different circumstances I would've loved to have gotten to know him better. He was so nice about everything that I guess it made me start second-guessing myself.

I don't know if I'd really be comfortable approaching him again. Part of me wants to, just based on the character he's shown so far, but I also don't want to push my luck. It may be better to just leave things alone this time.

Thanks so much for your advice though, it definitely helped me think things through.
 
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2clueless is offline 2clueless Post #6  July 14,2010, 6:25am
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I'd be disinclined to continue on with someone in the scenario you describe. Perhaps maybe maybe....if I felt a strong connection and the person told me that they wanted to prioritize getting to know me and stated that they were new to the process and had a flurry of interest up front that was overwhelming.

But you are not offering any of that. After telling him you're busy...you now want to add him back into a rotation of guys you are getting to know because it suits you. That is the reality of multidating but most of our egos don't want to see the writing on the wall in neon paint. I'd be wary that you'd flake again.

Eh, my motto is nothing ventured, nothing gained. Write to him and see what he says. Right now, options are closed with him. If he says no, options are still closed. You haven't lost anything and could potentially gain something. Either way, it's a lesson learned. No match has true potential until you've had at least 2 successful dates and are in a predictable pattern of communication. Before that point, I wouldn't cut people off that also had potential. You can turn off matching if you get overwhelmed or just stagger your responses to people in the guided communication process. Good luck with everything and it's a great sign that you're getting a lot of interest!
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margaret18 is offline margaret18 Post #7  July 14,2010, 6:59am
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if i had the feelings you describe, i would absolutely contact the guy.

someone did this with me. i had absolutely no problem with it. there's no need for a lot of explanation, he will either pick up with you or not.

this is the reality of online dating, people are juggling and making decisions with limited info and may rethink those decisions. nothing wrong with that.
 
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Cape_Codder is offline Cape_Codder Post #8  July 14,2010, 7:20am

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ohmygoshbeck wrote :
Lol, ok thanks. Honestly, I'm not trying to be someone like that. He's someone who left an impression on me and I think I just messed up and went on emotion too fast when I cut it off with him instead of thinking it through. I've thought about how I would feel if I was in his shoes and the word flake did cross my mind once or twice, so believe me, I get it. Thanks for your input though.
For the most part you just answered your own question.

Tell him you are new to online dating, that you were overwhelmed with matches initially and, that you reacted to fast. Let him know that you reviewed his profile and correspondence and he left an impression on you; that you didn't think it through when you put him on hold and would like to communicate further.

You have nothing to loose and everything to gain by contacting him. At worst he will not respond or tell you he's not interested, at best you get a chance to move forward and meet him.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #9  July 14,2010, 10:00am
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mikeinor wrote :
You are just playing the field, do him a favor and just move on. You already blew him off once and now you want to put him on the backup list. Please!

Maybe you are worried about coming across like a flake and a jerk because you are acting like a flake and a jerk?

Tell him the truth... "I decided I like you enough to put you on the backup list in case the other guys I am really interested in don't work out. I bet you never thought you would be so lucky after our first go round... did you?"
WHAT? Do I have to remind you it is a dating sight? Unless there is some kind of exclusivity she can date how many and who she likes. Same with you. This is not the kind of attitiude one should bring to EH. In fact it shows a certain amount of jealousy when there shouldnt be any.

The OP may have given out TMI.

OP, it cant hurt now if you just send him a note that you are interested.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #10  July 14,2010, 10:04am
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Cape_Codder wrote :
For the most part you just answered your own question.

Tell him you are new to online dating, that you were overwhelmed with matches initially and, that you reacted to fast. Let him know that you reviewed his profile and correspondence and he left an impression on you; that you didn't think it through when you put him on hold and would like to communicate further.

You have nothing to loose and everything to gain by contacting him. At worst he will not respond or tell you he's not interested, at best you get a chance to move forward and meet him.
I second this. Good luck!
 
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