Red flags and Gut feelings... Why should we listen to them?


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Jesisi is offline Jesisi Post #1  July 13,2010, 8:04am
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Hey All,

I found this link through yahoo and it is quite an interesting article talking about red flags and gut feelings and why some of us give these people that incite them a second chance.

Is he the wrong man for you?
DISCLAIMER: I do not advice getting the book that is listed as part of this article... I just found the article enlightening...

What experiences have you had where you just gave into the red flags and "dodged a bullet"?

Any of you that have kept giving second chances to find yourselves finally giving up?

Feel free to share! We can all learn something!

Thanks!

Last edited by Jesisi; July 13,2010 at 2:55pm.
 
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Johnnyguitarman is offline Johnnyguitarman Post #2  July 13,2010, 8:45am
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"
Red flags and Gut feelings... Why should we listen to them?"


Because that is your intuition via your unconscious mind sending you warning signals. You should listen to this with regard to relationships and dating rather than your logical mind.

I'm not a particularly intuitive person, testing as a very strong senser in personality tests, but, I have learned to trust intuition in romantic matters. (In the rest of your life, being intuitive leads to trouble- making the wrong decision if you ignore the facts).

Your unconscious mind is capable of gathering a lot more information more quickly than does your conscious mind, via the senses and it does so without feeding this information through the perception filter. This feeds into your intuition (gut feelings), which in romantic matters is usually right. So- do listen to your gut where dating is concerned.

Any red flags- certainly it is time to move on!
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #3  July 13,2010, 9:00am
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Gut feelings usually are very good guidance.

But ... we all have little parts of ourselves that are damaged, or a little twisted, from past experience. A gut feeling can get triggered from these parts, and cause fear or unease when there's no rational reason to feel that way.

Gut feelings come from the little reptilian part of the brain. It's oriented around pure physical survival. If I had a father who was physically abusive and had a loud voice, my reptile brain could react negatively to men who have loud voices, fearing them.

So I don't think the "gut" is always right. It's a reptile, after all! But it's certainly worth paying major attention to. And if it's telling me "run!" I'll probably run, and think about it afterwards.
 
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Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  July 13,2010, 9:35am
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My gut is usually right. I should listen to it more often. I always thought I was being too critical or just being inflexible, but there are reasons why the hairs on your arms rise, or you react to a comment that others might just laugh off, or you question why someone who seems so right is still available.

Case in point, I met a date who seemed on the surface right for me with the exception of some things that in the past have been deal breakers. I prefer dating college graduates, and I am not a fan of Nascar nor am I into Harleys. However, he did appear to have some nice qualities otherwise. My gut said "not sure this guy is going to hold your interest intellectually," but he seemed a perfect gentleman, is well spoken, attractive, holds down a well paying position, has all the toys, still opens doors etc. and listens to classical music. I've gone out with him several times. However I have gotten tired of asking questions like where would you like to go on a fantasy vacation? He has no idea. Let's try a certain restaurant (not necessarily fancy) - he's never been, and he can only attend social events on weekends that end before eight p.m. as he gets up every day at 3.30 a.m. I'm not sure when he left his house last to see a movie or a concert and although very nice to me the reality is with my personality I just cant see it working. What Ive learned is pay attention to your gut. It's telling you something.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #5  July 13,2010, 10:26am
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My "gut feelings" are sometimes really BAD indicators of both compatibility and the worth of a person's character. I'm better off checking with friends and family, and more recently, eHA.

This is especially true if I am in love. They call it being "crazy" about someone for a reason. In those circumstances my gut feeling is that everything is (or will be) wonderful and I can be completely oblivious to things others see as red flags.

Thankfully, experience is a wonderful teacher and I'm becoming a lot better at protecting my heart. Now, if a friend gives me a gentle warning, I take note!
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #6  July 13,2010, 2:38pm
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My feeling is this book is pointless to read. I think there is no substance.

Sure there are red flags in a relationship you should watch out for but many people watch out for the wrong ones.

What are the right ones?


The wrong ones are the obvious ones like being mean, eude, etc. These are the ones that many of your friends see but you wont listen.

The ones you should watch out for and dont are the ones that come out of subtleties in the personality and you are blind to these if you feel "love conquers all",

These are based on differences in life goals, religion, parenting, activities, diet or food you eat or wont that play an important part in living together vs just having the great sex and have fun dating. These are the small things that will come out after marriage.

With some of these you think you can fix them...you cant fix personality.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #7  July 13,2010, 3:32pm

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Piggy backing am1uwant's post....sometimes when people say they follow their 'gut instinct' or watching for red flags, these can be clouded by their past bad relationships, etc and many times the red flags might not necessarily because of the other person, but you might've interpret certain things based on your past relationships.

This I think could be one of the reasons why lots of people (maybe more in online dating) tend to close a lot of their matches because they tighten up their red flag radar a lot it pretty much wipes out 95% of their matches.

Sometimes their radar can be off too.
 
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honeybee81 is offline honeybee81 Post #8  July 13,2010, 4:51pm
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PY_2 wrote :
Piggy backing am1uwant's post....sometimes when people say they follow their 'gut instinct' or watching for red flags, these can be clouded by their past bad relationships, etc and many times the red flags might not necessarily because of the other person, but you might've interpret certain things based on your past relationships.

This I think could be one of the reasons why lots of people (maybe more in online dating) tend to close a lot of their matches because they tighten up their red flag radar a lot it pretty much wipes out 95% of their matches.

Sometimes their radar can be off too.
I have to agree with you again Py_2 my radar needs to be fixed because of one really bad date with one eh match i fear the same thing will happen again. Also, I so liked a resent match but only as a friend. I thought it was not fair to contuine communication with him because we met through eh. I am wrong to think this way or should I still communicate with him.
 
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cal_dude is offline cal_dude Post #9  July 13,2010, 5:59pm
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I agree that if one understands her/his feelings and needs well, "listening to the gut" is a useful shortcut.
However, for those who are either clueless, are projecting based on past failures, or just looking for reasons to shut down everybody, the gut is counterproductive
 
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honeybee81 is offline honeybee81 Post #10  July 13,2010, 7:20pm
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cal_dude wrote :
I agree that if one understands her/his feelings and needs well, "listening to the gut" is a useful shortcut.
However, for those who are either clueless, are projecting based on past failures, or just looking for reasons to shut down everybody, the gut is counterproductive
Agree with you too.. I think a person (mainly me) has to be confidant in who they truly are no holds bar before entering in to any type of relationship.
Last edited by honeybee81; July 14,2010 at 2:02am. Reason: typo
 
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