how to greet on first meet


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mary_mary is offline mary_mary Post #1  July 12,2010, 11:11am

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I was just reading a thread where this issue arose -- the advice, of course, was for the man not to kiss the woman. (It was a man's thread. )

I just wanted to bring up the subject of handshakes.

I'm a woman with many years in the "professional" world behind me. I realized early on that I was not comfortable with handshaking, as my male peers were. They'd been doing it all their lives, and had probably been taught by their dads about when and where and how to do it. I was adrift.

So I squared my shoulders, and set to work on it. When meeting people in situations where men would normally shake hands, I would extend mine confidently, sparing them the worry of not knowing how an extended hand would be met. I maintained eye contact. I gripped moderately and engaged in the little mutual two-step of the hand that makes it a shake. Then I disengaged promptly, maintaining eye contact, and initiated a conversation where appropriate, or we both (re)joined the conversation in progress, or we both moved on to the next introduction.

It was surprisingly easy. It probably still doesn't feel quite as comfortable to me as it does to a man my age, who grew up with it, but I am very glad I adopted the practice and made a point of doing it properly. I also do it in social situations as men would, for greeting friends one has not seen in a while, if the situation is a little formal maybe, or it has been a long while. I have to say though that I don't do it with women: women, in the main, just haven't adopted this practice. I wish they would. I really do not want to be hugged when greeting someone, and the idea of being pecked on both cheeks just makes me cringe. But the physical contact really is a good thing in many situations.

One thing men are sometimes not comfortable with, I think, is shaking hands with women. They don't know whether to do it or not, and whether, if they initiate it, the woman will reciprocate an extended hand. They are afraid that a hearty handshake may make them look rough, and find themselves squeezing and pumping a flower petal attached to a dismayed woman. It's not something that can easily be planned in advance; not until palms touch does one know what kind of handshaker the other is.

I kind of know how men feel in this case. Once I had become a comfortable and adept handshaker, I extended my hand to a woman I was introduced to in Havana. I gripped hers with comfortable firmness, and performed the perfunctory double-shake, smiling and chatting. Her hand remained in mine, limp and motionless and, I guess, dainty. I felt like a lumbering moose.

So -- the question arose in the context of a first date.

Anybody else with me -- be ye man or woman -- who would like to see a warm handshake, accompanied by eye contact and warm words of greeting, as the gold standard?
 
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dmi is offline dmi Post #2  July 12,2010, 11:31am
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It's usually a handshake for me first time I meet someone. After that, it's whatever we're both comfortable with. For most women I know, it's a hug, and that's fine with me.
 
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mary_mary is offline mary_mary Post #3  July 12,2010, 11:42am

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dmi wrote :
It's usually a handshake for me first time I meet someone. After that, it's whatever we're both comfortable with. For most women I know, it's a hug, and that's fine with me.
I'm curious! Do you find woman (in first-date situations) disconcerted at all if you extend your hand? Or do you wait for her to do it first?

You're younger than me, but not "young".

I wonder how people a decade or generation younger approach it. Is handshaking outmoded, are women more (or less) comfortable with it than older women are, ... ?


(edit -- I was mainly meaning to talk about first-meet situations, although I strayed off into reunions. I just have a personal aversion to hugging as a greeting other than in a reunion situation, no comment on anyone else's preference in that regard! Unless you do it to me ... )
Last edited by mary_mary; July 12,2010 at 11:44am.
 
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dmi is offline dmi Post #4  July 12,2010, 11:47am
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There's usually a short awkward pause as we both try to gauge how to greet. Then one or the other extends their hand and it's no big deal to either of us.

I did know a guy that would always hug, even first meeting, regardless of gender. I was rather uncomfortable with that, so, I guess I get where you're coming from.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #5  July 12,2010, 1:56pm
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dmi wrote :
It's usually a handshake for me first time I meet someone. After that, it's whatever we're both comfortable with. For most women I know, it's a hug, and that's fine with me.


I agree...when meeting someone for the first time face to face after talking with them on the phone a bit through online dating, or matchmaking by a friend....I will shake their hand at the start as a formal greeting.


No I am not reading anything into the handshake.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #6  July 12,2010, 2:17pm
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I do not favor a handshake on a date.

It's almost as bad as looking at your watch.

I do not volunteer my hand on a first meeting. I will return a handshake if the woman moves for it (most do not.)
 
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newbie40something is offline newbie40something Post #7  July 12,2010, 2:26pm
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D_Lion wrote :
I do not favor a handshake on a date.

It's almost as bad as looking at your watch.

I do not volunteer my hand on a first meeting. I will return a handshake if the woman moves for it (most do not.)

DL.....how do you greet? I'm just curious. I personally have not had a handshake and it really is not what I would prefer. Just seems too much like business.

I would prefer either just a smile and a welcome, glad to meet you type thing or maybe even a quick, light hug. I haven't been dating real recent, but in the past, that was my preference.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #8  July 12,2010, 2:27pm
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Initially greeting a woman can be awkward because women aren't handshakers and a lot of people (probably more women than men) are a bit uncomfortable hugging and kissing upon meeting. I think mary's method of offering a hand is a good way to break the ice. Takes all the guesswork out. Then at the end of the date a hug and a quick peck is in order.
 
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FebruaryStars is offline FebruaryStars Post #9  July 12,2010, 2:31pm
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dmi wrote :
It's usually a handshake for me first time I meet someone. After that, it's whatever we're both comfortable with. For most women I know, it's a hug, and that's fine with me.
I usually give a quick hello hug if he offers. As well as a hug good-bye....maybe even a kiss if they are lucky....but usually not the first date...it's kind of weird to kiss a stranger.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #10  July 12,2010, 2:46pm
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newbie40something wrote :
DL.....how do you greet?

I confess that I did shake hands when I first started dating.

Then, I found some women appeared uncomfortable with it. So, I switched to not using any contact at all.

Personally, I would not try to hug someone at a first meeting - it seems to high a risk of being seen as creepy.

If we are meeting outside the restaurant, I will motion and say "shall we?"
 
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