ED and mixed messages - what's he trying to tell me?


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WahineO is offline WahineO Post #1  July 11,2010, 5:03pm
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I've been having a fun, slowly simmering flirtation with a great guy that belongs to the same sports competition club as me. I've known him for years but he just re-joined the club this year and we caught each others' eye. He's a kind, loving type of guy and everyone I know thinks very highly of him. I'm really looking forward to getting to know him better.

For a past several weeks, we've seen each other at competitions and had long, friendly, flirty conversations. He gives me lots of sincere compliments and has indicated in many ways he'd like to spend more time with me. But he's never actually asked me out; he just sort of waits until circumstances put us in the same place at the same time.

Last week we were doing our sports activity together and we got into a conversation during which he shared that I "really turned him on" and also that, regarding sexual activity, it's "been a long time" for him and that "it can be a lot of work" to get things going for him. He came across as being kinda shy with this info . . . he seemed to be telling me that he has erectile dysfunction issues. We're both older and it's not a rare thing for our age group.

I'm not sure why he's bringing this up at this point - we haven't even kissed yet, besides a goodbye peck on the lips. I just said something like, "well, we'll just see how this all unfolds . . ." and we went on to have a wonderful afternoon together.

He was suddenly called out of town on a family medical emergency that night, and during the week he's contacted me twice; once to wish me a happy birthday, and then to give me an update on the family member's status.

I get the vibe that he is really interested in me, despite not actually asking me out. What do you think - am I right? And guys, what do you think about him sharing his ED issue in that way? It's not a dealbreaker for me - intimacy is not just about a hard body part - but I felt awkward talking about it much more detail under the circumstances. Usually I can read people pretty well, but this one has me confused . . .
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  July 11,2010, 5:13pm
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It sounds to me like he did not want to subsequently get dumped for this - or you think you were deceived into a relationship.

These are reasonable fears (which we see a lot around here.) I think this was okay, and even a mature way to bring it up.

You are, however, now at the proverbial fork in the road - and have to choose which food to stab with it.

If he doesn't move toward a relationship of some kind, soon, it seems the time for one is lost.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #3  July 11,2010, 5:29pm
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I think you are right that he was trying to tell you he had ED (or some other sex-related problem). The good news is that if he doesn't also have a heart condition, there is medication that can help with that.

I agree with DL that it's better to know that early, even if it is rather awkward at that stage. Before going out on a date seems to me to be a bit too early, but that's quibbling.
 
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alexlass is offline alexlass Post #4  July 11,2010, 6:14pm
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You asked for advice from men, but I'm a lady who, like you, had a man tell me about his fear of ED. He is 49 and thinks he has the early stages of ED. This was before we even kissed for the first time. I have met other men who also have anxiety about this, just as women have anxiety about some issues.

After reassuring him that I know about the changes men and women go through, and even that I dated a much older man who had ED at times.....my new male friend told me he felt a lot better. I really appreciate that he told me about his insecurities and we have talked about what "intimacy" really means.

i agree with others that, having passed the point of possible awkward feeling on his part, the time is ripe to date. I would ask him out and if he agreed, I would make sure to let him know the attraction was reciprocal....if that is how you feel,
 
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WahineO is offline WahineO Post #5  July 11,2010, 7:56pm
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Thanks for your replies - I guess I'm just finding it hard to reconcile the fact that he hasn't specifically tried to move the relationship forward with the implied closeness that sharing that kind of information carries with it. I'm not at all put off by the information itself, just a little unsure about what I'm supposed to do with it.

If you shared this with a woman, would you want to talk about it some more, or would you be happy just knowing you'd got it out there and that she was OK with that?

Ah, well, I guess we'll see what happens once he gets back . . .
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #6  July 11,2010, 11:19pm
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I don't think that's a very mixed message ... clearly he's thinking of you as a potential sexual partner, or this wouldn't have come up. I would guess D_Lion is right and he wanted to know if ED was going to be a big issue for you.

I would find that an awkward topic, early in dating -- like any other personal sexual topic. But you've known this guy as a friend for a long time -- seems reasonable.

Since it's not a dealbreaker for you, if you haven't already, I would tell him that.

Good luck!
 
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richey is offline richey Post #7  July 15,2010, 4:13am
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1. He's definitely interested in you.

2. I can't comment on bringing up the ED as I'm not in that situation so I don't know. Perhaps it was his way of finding out how you felt about him (if he was unsure).

3. he just wants to know your'e cool with it and that its' not an issue to you ~ end of story.

So.... go ahead... call him up and ask him out (some guys need a bit of a nudge). Once you make it crystal clear to him you are interested in him (he may not be sure yet.. so make it obvious you are and h'll do the rest).

Good luck.
Richey
 
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greg75 is offline greg75 Post #8  July 15,2010, 5:23am
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He definitely likes you, but he must have gotten burnt a few times in the past which is making him apprehensive to stepping up to the plate and asking you out. So, he's sort of putting his feet into the water slowly and trying to "move in" in a very slow manner. Sort of a way of saving face in case you weren't interested in him in that manner.

As far as the sexual problem, who's to say it is ED? He said it's been a long time and you'll have to work with him a lot could mean that it is going to take him some "practice" to get to where he can perform to your satisfaction. That's not necessarily a sign of ED, but just the fact that when a guy doesn't have sex for a long period of time, he tends to not have the longevity as guys who have sex on a regular basis. Maybe he brought that up so as long as to not disappoint you if the first time or two isn't up to par.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  July 15,2010, 5:29am
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A very curious guy. I would say that if you are interested in something more with him then you should step up your game and make the first move.
 
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