5 new dates... 4 call backs... but then nothing...


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dakotatogo is offline dakotatogo Post #1  July 11,2010, 8:10am
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I decided a month ago to get back into dating. I have been using several methods of meeting potential dates including internet dating and a local matchmaking service. I have had 5 dates in that month, 4 of which have resulted in men requesting a second date. However, despite their calling or texting for a second date only 1 out of the 4 has actually followed through. The rest have just sorta flaked out before meeting a second time. Im 38 years old, divorced, no children and the men I have met are between 40-48.

Is this normal? I return calls and texts promptly so Im not sure what the issue is, or is this just dating these days?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  July 11,2010, 8:21am
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It does seem to be common.

I'd venture that something about you is not exciting enough to them, and / or they are not finding enough from you to select you over other options they have.

I'm not sure that 1 out of 4 is that bad a result, though - we can't expect to be appealling to everyone. While it is Lame to poof like that, it seems to be the standard behavior of many people.
 
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dmi is offline dmi Post #3  July 11,2010, 8:24am
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That doesn't seem normal. Men won't normally call/text asking for a second date if they don't want one; they'll just disappear on you.

You return calls and texts promptly, but, are you enthusiastic about doing another date? If so, I don't know what the issue is. 3 out of 4 doing this seems high. Might want to talk to them and see what's up.
 
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FebruaryStars is offline FebruaryStars Post #4  July 11,2010, 8:25am
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dakotatogo wrote :
I decided a month ago to get back into dating. I have been using several methods of meeting potential dates including internet dating and a local matchmaking service. I have had 5 dates in that month, 4 of which have resulted in men requesting a second date. However, despite their calling or texting for a second date only 1 out of the 4 has actually followed through. The rest have just sorta flaked out before meeting a second time. Im 38 years old, divorced, no children and the men I have met are between 40-48.

Is this normal? I return calls and texts promptly so Im not sure what the issue is, or is this just dating these days?
Internet dating is nice, but I think that it is over stimulating for some people. It's like a kid in a candy store....too many options to choose from. These other men may have a lot of fish on the line.
 
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dakotatogo is offline dakotatogo Post #5  July 11,2010, 8:44am
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It seems high to me too... but Ive reflected back on the first dates and the follow ups and I cant figure out what is going haywire, if anything. To me, if a guy isnt interested he doesnt call or text.. he just goes away (which is fine!). Its the behavior of contacting me after the initial date and then disappearing that is confusing me.

Date #1: Met for drinks, ended up chatting for 4 hours. He followed up the next day w/ text saying he enjoyed meeting me, wanted to go again. I texted back I agreed and was looking forward to going again. After some traveling on my end we finally agree to meet again this past Saturday night (mid week we agreed) and then I hear nothing from him.

Date #2: Meet for drinks, end up having dinner, spend 3 hours chatting. He asks me out again at the end of the night, I agree. He follows up with a phone call the next day, I return his call within 24 hours. He leaves town for 3 weeks on business.. returns, leaves voicemail saying he's back in town and wants to get together. I return his call within 24 hours and then he never returns my call.

Date 3: Meet for drinks, spend 3 hours, asks me out at the end of the night, I agree and then nothing.

I try to be as enthusiastic and upbeat as possible when men bring up meeting again, but I stop short of jumping up and down in glee (ha ha). Truth be told, there are very few reasons I wouldnt see someone a second time. I rarely judge a man on a first date impression alone... but apparently Im alone in that belief!
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #6  July 11,2010, 8:51am
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#2 was how long since your last message?

***

In my view, the best thing is the make these subsequent meeting plans somewhat specific as soon as possible. (In other words, I would not be using "yes, we should do this again sometime," as that is far too vague.)

Also, it is not clear from your detail if you are actually showing any tangible sign of investment / effort on your part, or simply enjoying being taken out (who doesn't)? This could explain the problem, if, having arranged the first meeting, they are (were) waiting for you to arrange the second.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #7  July 11,2010, 8:51am
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You could try getting specific about setting up the 2nd date. Not just agree "we'll go out" but more like "we'll meet at X restaurant at 7 this saturday".

It is kind of odd, what you describe. I'd guess it's just some anomaly, you happened to get 3 in a row who act like that, or there's something about the way you interact that makes them feel like they didn't actually set up a date.

Sometimes men can be very sensitive about feeling rejected. They ask you out, you say "sure sometime" ... they may hear that as "no". Being more specific might help?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #8  July 11,2010, 8:54am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
Sometimes men can be very sensitive about feeling rejected. They ask you out, you say "sure sometime" ... they may hear that as "no". Being more specific might help?

I agree with this advice.

I think many (most?) men have the experience of being strung along by women who made vague acceptances and then continually delay.

Still, the first response to that is not to poof, but to state a specific date and time, and force the issue; it doesn't sound like that was what happened.
 
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dakotatogo is offline dakotatogo Post #9  July 11,2010, 9:04am
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#2... I left him a voicemail on Thursday around noon and he hasnt returned my call. I dont think it would be appropriate to call him a second time.

Im really not in the market to just be wined and dined by men.. I know many women are, but thats definately not me. Id rather buy my own dinner than spend time with a guy I have no interest in. But I also dont want to chase men that arent interested in me. If a guy calls or texts me wanting to get together again I have no problem contributing to the when and where for the next meet but if they dont return my call / text I dont even have that chance.

In my #1 Date example I actually suggeted a Friday meet, he couldnt but replied he could do Saturday, which I agreed. Seems normal back and forth to me.. then he disappears. That from a guy that has texted me every single day for two weeks. Thats just odd.

Maybe this is just a 3 strike anomoly.. I sure hope so. Thanks to all for taking the time to share your input!
 
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Emilsmom is offline Emilsmom Post #10  July 11,2010, 9:12am
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Some people are just addicted to texting.

If he really wanted to meet you, he'd call.

JMHO
 
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