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SpeaktoMe is offline SpeaktoMe Post #1  July 10,2010, 10:30pm
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Ya know, i have been pondering on this.

Does anyone know the statistics on this?

If a relationship is more likely to success (longevity) in the future, is it best that the relationship start off slower, and just as friends first?

or the ones that start off with the intense, fiery chemistry, also a sign of longevity succes in a relationship or less so than the ones that start off and pace themselves a bit slower, and less intense????
 
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bettinawindbloom is offline bettinawindbloom Post #2  July 11,2010, 5:16am
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From my experience, you can't start off as friends (unless you are like my brother and his wife who were friends for 7 years!! and then they finally both made a move on the same night).

But my friend's parents have been married for 30+ years and got married after knowing eachother for a month. My sister and her husband have been together 15 years, and moved in together after 4 months.

The long term relationships I've had have had passion (and sex) from early on, with a spark right away. I can't fathom just wanting "to be friends", either I want to jump his bones and be his girlfriend, or I want to move on.
 
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2clueless is offline 2clueless Post #3  July 11,2010, 5:39am
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My late dh proposed after 8 weeks and we were very happily married.

My exbf and I were platonic romantic interests for several months after meeting, though. And it worked fine and we had super chemistry once our relationship turned physical. But to me, this is not "friends first" this is two people with an attraction agreeing to take it slow. In my case, I was new to dating and unsure and he waited for me to be more comfortable. In the meantime, we got to know each other but the romantic intent was always front and center.

To me, "friends" doesn't suggest any romantic interest at all. My friends are my friends. My romantic potentials are something different.
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #4  July 11,2010, 5:44am
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*walks in, shakes head at the confusion of love and lust. leaves mumbling to self...
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #5  July 11,2010, 6:01am
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SpeaktoMe wrote :
Ya know, i have been pondering on this.

Does anyone know the statistics on this?
there are statistics on this?

wrote :
If a relationship is more likely to success (longevity) in the future, is it best that the relationship start off slower, and just as friends first?

or the ones that start off with the intense, fiery chemistry, also a sign of longevity succes in a relationship or less so than the ones that start off and pace themselves a bit slower, and less intense????

I dont think there is a rule, but i prefer to be friends with someone first. if that "fire" goes out as friends, then i'm glad i didnt invest further and i still have a friend. if i'm still attracted to a person many months (a year) later and there is mutual attraction, then i can see a reason to make a step forward.

idk really. just theorizing
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #6  July 11,2010, 6:32am
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I've not heard of any studies or statistics done on the matter - but then, I'm not in a profession where I would be on that mailing list.

You will find success stories running the entire gambit - with extremes on both sides of the bell curve - so I don't think it can be shown that 'pace' is a reliable predictor of relationship longevity.

The best relationships, I think, are borne from two people who simply give 'pace' no consideration at all ...it is just the natural progression of events for these two people and neither of them feels as though they are moving "too fast" or "too slow".

In every situation I have ever heard of or seen, if either partner is thinking or talking about the 'pace' of the relationship, there is something wrong.

If either or both feel the relationship is ...

...moving "too slow", there is likely some desperation, codependency, or self-esteem issues happening.

...moving "too fast", there is likely some doubt and hesitation about their feelings or attraction occurring.

"Friends First" is a female concoction that means, "I'm not going to have sex with you until you have proven yourself valuable to me".
 
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iamgermajesty is offline iamgermajesty Post #7  July 11,2010, 6:47am
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I have two couples of friends (is that grammatically correct?) that are getting married soon.

One couple met their freshman year of college through his roommate (the roommate knew her from a class and, obviously, was rooming with him). They met and sort of got to know each other socially, as one would say "as friends." Then he asked her out and the whole time they were dating, it seemed like they were just friends, a very casual relationship. This past year, it seemed to me that all the factors were in place for them to get married - they wanted to, each has a great job in a nice area to settle down and raise a family....I was thinking what the heck! They're going so slow!!

The other couple met online in November. He lives in Germany and she lives in Pennsylvania. And they've never actually met in real life. He went home for two weeks this month and they were supposedly getting married today (still waiting for the update on that ). I was thinking what the heck! They're going so fast!!

So we can wax lyrical all day about whether the quickie marriage will last or whether the other pair will ride out the rough seas, the way I look at it is this: every pair has their own pace and it's for them to set.

If you like to move at a glacial pace, find a fellow glacier. If you're a rocket and wants to get everything done, well find another rocket. Just be prepared for the outcomes of either method.
 
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FebruaryStars is offline FebruaryStars Post #8  July 11,2010, 8:14am
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SpeaktoMe wrote :
Ya know, i have been pondering on this.

Does anyone know the statistics on this?

If a relationship is more likely to success (longevity) in the future, is it best that the relationship start off slower, and just as friends first?

or the ones that start off with the intense, fiery chemistry, also a sign of longevity succes in a relationship or less so than the ones that start off and pace themselves a bit slower, and less intense????
I don't know of any statistics. I think somewhere in between friends first and fiery chemistry is a good balance. I am assuming that the sex will be just as intense if you wait.

I am finding that passion and sparks are great, but when that is gone. What is left? (in my experience...not much)
Last edited by FebruaryStars; July 11,2010 at 9:21am.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #9  July 11,2010, 9:06am
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How about a mix of the 2? Passion and lust early on but still taking measured steps towards commitment. There are happy unions where people got married after a month or whatever ... but there are lots of unhappy disasters that started that way too.

I think knowing someone well, through various kinds of experiences, before fully committing, is more likely to lead to longterm happiness.

I've never had a friend turn into a lover. But it does happen. To other people I guess!
 
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richey is offline richey Post #10  July 14,2010, 10:41pm
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I think we gotta separate physically moving fast and emotionally moving fast.

My experience/observation is that the ones that work well and great and last... they tend to have an idea and this geniune attraction to each other early on ~ where they know it's not just going to be a friendship. But it doesn't mean they actually physically move fast. In fact, they tend to move a bit slower.

I dont' know if this is normal but all my friends that are married were together and dated a long time (even though they knew there was something there). The people I know that jumped in and moved fast ~ it didnt' last.

In my own experience this is consistent too. The ones where we physically moved fast - it didn't really last all that long. The ones where we were very attracted but moved slowly physically, those are the longest lasting relationships I've had.

Just my .02

Richey
 
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