Seriously, I really am posting this about a friend


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Emme0264 is offline Emme0264 Post #1  July 10,2010, 7:44pm
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I have an amazing best friend. She has cancer and lost her husband to cancer about 18 months ago. She is smart, hilariously funny, great company, petite and makes me play golf.

In the past month or so, she decided she is finally ready to try to find a man for companionship. She is not looking to get married again, but says she misses hugs, and having someone to go to dinner or a movie with, and other benign activities. She is a member on both eH, match and some group for people over 50 (she's 59). She has had men contact her and want to meet for coffee but she always seems to have an excuse. They're too young, she hasn't talked to them on t he phone yet so doesn't know if she'd be comfortable, they're too smart, they're too dumb, every excuse in the book.

I honestly think (having known her over 20 years now) that she is truly ready to meet a guy to be mostly friends for activities and such. But I'm having trouble understanding her reluctance. I wonder if she's afraid of being rejected. I have told her that talking on the phone is really optional because she won't know if she's comfortable with the guy until they meet in person. I was on my way to a date tonight and she texted me that some guy wanted to meet for coffee but she said no because they haven't talked on the phone.

My friend is lonely. She lives in the house where her husband died and has said the house sometimes feels like a prison. I'm trying to figure out what's going on and how I can help her. Have I misread her and she's really not ready to meet someone? Is she just nervous because the internet thing is kind of scary for everyone when they first start? She has said her kids would be upset if she dated, but these are kids from her first marriage and not from her marriage to the wonderful man who died 18 months ago. So I think that's just another excuse.

Any suggestions? Ideas? I hate to see her so lonely and feeling trapped in that house. My suggestions that she go to movies alone, or poke in flea markets or learn to cook in a class or go for bike rides are similarly met with resistance.

Any idea on how I can get her to go on a date without her having a panic or heart attack? Thanks for any help. I'm at a total loss.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #2  July 10,2010, 7:49pm

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Emme, did you say that she has cancer...what is the status of it?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  July 10,2010, 7:52pm
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Something together?

Two or more women, two or more men.

A purpose for being there, not (ostensibly) about about meeting the MOTOS (member of the opposite sex.)
 
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Emme0264 is offline Emme0264 Post #4  July 10,2010, 7:53pm
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cp30 wrote :
Emme, did you say that she has cancer...what is the status of it?
She's treatable but not cureable, but has no significant symptoms requiring any treatment now.
 
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Emme0264 is offline Emme0264 Post #5  July 10,2010, 7:58pm
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D_Lion wrote :
Something together?

Two or more women, two or more men.

A purpose for being there, not (ostensibly) about about meeting the MOTOS (member of the opposite sex.)
She and I golf together (much to my dismay) every weekend, weather permitting. We are often matched up with another couple or, more often, two men. She hardly speaks to them. She has a group of strong women friends who can do plenty of stuff with her, just we can't be there as often as she has empty time. She has mentioned to me many times that she just misses hugs. I can hug her all day long but it's not the same. I don't know many single men to try to even platonically hang out with her, at least friends that wouldn't make her crazy. I have one male friend who obsesses about every woman he dates and she might hurt him if she had to listen to that for long. I've offered to take classes with her, and we've been to the gym together and other places where she could meet men, but so far nothing. I think she's old school enough that she wants to be approached where I'll have nothing to do with that and will talk to anyone I want, male or female.

I fear that if she just sits and home she will sit there alone for good. Her husband would have HATED that.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #6  July 10,2010, 8:03pm
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Is she getting out and about socially, besides dating? If so, then she is just going through the transition period at her own pace.

There are a lot of reasons for this, and I agree with your speculation that living in the marital home may be one of them. It is hard to reinvent yourself when you are surrounded by reminders of the past.

Also, it will take a good man to make her feel sexy again. It takes time, and it takes a lot of understanding. A lot of online daters are not willing to take that time.
Last edited by annother; July 10,2010 at 8:05pm. Reason: Your post overlapped with mine, so ignore the first paragraph.
 
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JoyfullyLivingMaui is offline JoyfullyLivingMaui Post #7  July 10,2010, 8:14pm

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I agree eith D-L, that double dating with you and another might get her to actually Do something. But given her prognosis, it would need to be a guy that has a lot of compassion and isn't concerned about her being "the one", or concerns over investing money or time that wouldn't result in __________(fill in the blank).

Perhaps when you're matched with guys for golfing you can try to bring out some of the playful, humorous side of the guys so that it has more of a chance to organically become a friendship for her.

I work in alternative healing so I would imagine she is dealing with her own fears, mortality, grief over the loss of her husband, and needs for touch, etc., which is a LOT for one person to juggle. A great supportive, funny, compassionate guy friend would likely be just what she's needing. But I think it is also important to be upfront about her prognosis so that there aren't any surprises for the guys. Just my 2 cents. Good Luck!
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #8  July 10,2010, 8:15pm
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Maybe she is not ready to date?
 
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Emme0264 is offline Emme0264 Post #9  July 10,2010, 8:24pm
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D_Lion wrote :
Maybe she is not ready to date?
I've thought that a number of times, but she so enthusiastically signed up for 3 dating sites that I think I'm wrong. She may be concerned about her own diagnosis and how that would go over with a new guy. But she's not looking for the love of her life. She had that and she knows it. She's be happy to go out on a date with a guy and find a great friend, someone she can hang out with. I don't think she'd even mind if he got involved with someone else. I wish there was a eFriend site or something. Maybe if I ever learn to date correctly the guy I date will have a friend and we can just hang out together, nothing serious. She's just such an amazing person and has been through so much I'd do just about anything for her.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #10  July 10,2010, 8:43pm
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Signing up for a dating site isn't exactly the same as picking out new clothes, getting all nervous, and ending up somewhere new in the morning.

***

I can't speak to it myself, but 18 months may not be a lot, for a person with a long marriage?

This person seems to be looking for reasons to say "no." That suggests "not ready," to me.
 
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