GentleDoc is offline GentleDoc Post #1  July 7,2010, 11:34am
GentleDoc's Avatar

sees the light coming up on a new dawn!

Virtuoso

Joined: Jul 2010

Philly area

Posts: 3,316

See profile

I was separated from my wife for about 1 1/2 years. The marriage was actually over for me 7 months prior to that when I found out I couldn't trust her, and I withdrew. When a lot of her other personal crises were finally under some sort of control, I told her I wanted a divorce.

Our divorce was supposed to be final in May, but was kicked out due to a technicality, so we refiled. However, before the divorce could be final, she died suddenly. Ok, so now I'm a widower...

When I've looked at profiles in the past, I tend to "avoid" widows. Assuming they had happy marriages and had widowhood thrust upon them without choice, I assume they will be tougher to please than the divorced crowd.

WAIT! NOW I'M ONE OF THEM!

I've been working toward personal growth virtually all my life. I live in the "now" and take full responsibility for my life, past and present, so I've "checked" my baggage. I am caring, loving, giving, affectionate, communicate well, love to "do" for others because it feels good. I know who I am but know that I can always continue to develop. This is who I am, regardless of the labels "divorced" or "widowed."

Do women make any generalities about widowers, judge them differently than divorced men? Do you have preconceived ideas regarding these labels on profiles?
 
  Reply With Quote
Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  July 7,2010, 11:46am
Sassafras54's Avatar

Your Community Coordinator

Moderator

Joined: Oct 2009

San Pedro, CA

Posts: 9,080

See profile

It depends on what else he presents along with "I'm a widower". A profile that dwells on his lost wife? I think he's probably not over it yet, or she's on a pedestal, or something like that that doesn't bode well for a new "us".

Same with divorce -- does he dwell on her? Is he overly full of praise or hatred towards her?

Mostly I want to know that he's over it, and it's a plus if he appears to have learned whatever there was to be learned.

But I don't think you can get that from a profile, for the most part. So I'd go into it with an open mind.
 
  Reply With Quote
GentleDoc is offline GentleDoc Post #3  July 7,2010, 12:01pm
GentleDoc's Avatar

sees the light coming up on a new dawn!

Virtuoso

Joined: Jul 2010

Philly area

Posts: 3,316

See profile

Obviously that's the best possible answer. I'm wondering what the rest of the gang will say.

Thank you.

BTW - taking full responsibility for what I've created means no venom, no blame, no hostility, and no boring talk on dates about "them" or "what they did to me"!

I'm just sayin'
 
  Reply With Quote
livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #4  July 7,2010, 12:02pm
livenlearn's Avatar

Yay! spring has sprung.

Virtuoso

Joined: Dec 2009

cosmos

Posts: 3,439

See profile

GentleDoc wrote :
she died suddenly. Ok, so now I'm a widower...

When I've looked at profiles in the past, I tend to "avoid" widows. Assuming they had happy marriages and had widowhood thrust upon them without choice, I assume they will be tougher to please than the divorced crowd.

WAIT! NOW I'M ONE OF THEM!
Exactly. Everytime I read where someone wont date a widow/er I think to myself. Why not? Some people are just plain loyal and may not have been in love with the person who died anymore.
Besides, humans are capable of loving different types of people. Why some think they will have to live up to a ghost, I dunno!

You listening gr8?
 
  Reply With Quote
Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #5  July 7,2010, 12:20pm
Mokkesofie's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 8,463

See profile

I used to avoid widowers when looking at profiles as I thought it would be difficult to live up to, and be compared to, a beloved wife from a long and happy marriage. I recently spent time with a widower and now and then, he would mention his wife, but in a natural way during the conversation. My assumption has proved to be wrong.
 
  Reply With Quote
deegoesgreen is offline deegoesgreen Post #6  July 7,2010, 12:33pm
deegoesgreen's Avatar

beagles are best

Pacesetter

Joined: Dec 2008

South Carolina

Posts: 368

See profile

wrote :
Do women make any generalities about widowers, judge them differently than divorced men? Do you have preconceived ideas regarding these labels on profiles?
I've been widowed almost 10 years now. My loss was sudden, after 24 years of marriage.
I belong to a very large internet group for widowed folks, and over those 10 years, I've gotten a good "read" on the prevailing opinions of dating widowed versus divorced. Widowed folks tend to want to date only other widows/ers due to their belief that only another of their "kind" will understand the experience, and therefore, be more accepting, tolerant, patient, comforting, etc.
It's generally thought that if a widower was in a long marriage that only ended due to death, then that person understands what long term truly means, and is capable and successful for the long haul. However, it's still truly an individual experience, b/c only the two people in the marriage knew the quality of it, and if one or the other had issues/challenges in spite of the long time together, those issues/challenges don't magically disappear b/c one spouse died. Oftentimes, issues are left unresolved which can create a whole new set of challenges to overcome/deal with. But yes, I do believe widowers are looked at differently by women than divorced men, especially when the topic of "Why did you get divorced" comes up.
Widowers also tend to remarry much more quickly. If they were comfortable and content in marriage, they earnestly seek it again. Divorced men may come out bitter, wary, leery, defensive, confused, ambivalent .... or mostly negative outlooks about recoupling.
I have dated gentlemen who were both widowed and divorced. Doesn't sound like it applies in your case, but my experience has been that there are widowers so eager to remarry/recouple, they weren't very discriminating. Any half-way decent woman would do. Or they revved up the dating process with too much attention, affection, etc., which comes off artificial to me.
Likewise, the divorced men were not far enough removed from their loss, meaning either they were still hung up on how it all fell apart, that they couldn't let go of the ex, or they were so happy to be free, they wanted to stay that way!
It's hard not to generalize or stereotype men in either category, but at my age, that's mostly who I would likely date. So I earnestly try to appreciate every man on his own merits and evaluate how his experience has brought him to be who he is currently.
As you said, living in the NOW.
Good luck!
 
  Reply With Quote
DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  July 7,2010, 12:37pm
DancingFool's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 5,750

See profile

I approach both divorced and widowed with caution. However it's my direct nature to address my concerns with the person and to ask questions about whatever bothers me. So, whether I would proceed with a person or not, depends entirely on how they answer and whether their answer in fact comes across as a truthful one.

One word of caution is that if you assume that someone is leaping to negative conclusions and immediately take the defensive stance or aggressively announce that nothing is there, then you may seem/come across like you have issues rather than being truly over it. Kind of a situation where a genuinely honest person does not walk about trying to convince everyone just how honest they really are.
 
  Reply With Quote
ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #8  July 7,2010, 12:53pm
ami1uwant's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Feb 2008

Seattle, WA

Posts: 4,639

See profile

GentleDoc wrote :
Obviously that's the best possible answer. I'm wondering what the rest of the gang will say.

Thank you.

BTW - taking full responsibility for what I've created means no venom, no blame, no hostility, and no boring talk on dates about "them" or "what they did to me"!

I'm just sayin'


Call it a divorce. That was what was going to happen. Save the story till later.

You saying a widower may scare some women off because if you are rather younger (say 45 and under) then they will assume that this is a shock to you so you carry alot of mourn and baggage and feelings for you ex. If she is younger divorce she can understand...widower she cant.



Personally I do believe everyone has had a life before...call it what you want ..baggage...life experiences or what ever uou want to call it.

I also believe That people have a part of their heart for their prior loves....the marraige happened for a reason so there is something there.


What also would complicate matters is if you and your ex had children together of which you are the sole parent. Under that circumstance..and this is something that would bother many women...is you having pictures of her for your kids...they could be of just her or your kids and her. It is their mom.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #9  July 7,2010, 3:32pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,677

See profile

GentleDoc wrote :
When I've looked at profiles in the past, I tend to "avoid" widows. Assuming they had happy marriages and had widowhood thrust upon them without choice, I assume they will be tougher to please than the divorced crowd.

This is a good thing, though.

A widowed person seems to me to be less likely to have failed at relationships, more likely to have the skill-sets to succeed, and have a personal experience of quality which gives them an appropriate sense of expectations for a relationship.

I am much too young to have personal data, but I fully expect it to be favorable, if I get it.
 
  Reply With Quote
Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #10  July 7,2010, 3:58pm
Dropdeadredtx's Avatar

Still listening for the jingle of dog tags that isn't there...

Board Leader - Books

Joined: Apr 2010

Houston

Posts: 14,635

See profile

At my age there aren't many men who aren't either divorced or widowed. I give no preference to one over the other, as long as the past relationship has been safely to put to bed and he is ready to take the next step.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« The perfect mate... how do you NOT be insecure?! | Dating | Whats age got to do with it? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Divorced but wearing a wedding ring? nixxie Dating 25 May 18,2010 6:50pm
Dating the recently divorced AIMEZTAVIE Ask a Dating Expert 1 December 19,2009 11:35am
Dating someone who is Divorced knittingtakesballs Dating 16 November 6,2009 1:23pm
When a married man says divorced in profile parakeetjordan Dating 21 August 22,2009 9:29pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Sometimes it is better than going on a so-so date just to fill your calendar.” –  sun73

Join the “dreaded free weekend” discussion

“When a man dates women, especially exclusively, who are much more physically attractive, I think he gets exactly what he's asking for and what he deserves - a woman who is not physically attracted to ... ” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “My first "Matchmaker" date” discussion

“Always trust your instincts.” –  sun73

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion

“ I was never into David Cassidy. Now, Shaun Cassidy... loved him! (And he was such a girl, too. So pretty!) I still have his album, too. I think it has my sister's name sticker on it, too. ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion

“I enjoy walking my german shepherd.” –  sun73

Join the “Friday Night Roll Call !!! Sweaty Summer Fun edition!” discussion

“Hmm. I think we are using the term 'preference' differently. Anyway, you can choose 'not important' for everything if you want the widest range of choices possible. If you do that and still don't get ... ” –  mitchell175

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“Seriously? That cloud looks nothing like George Clooney!” –  mitchell175

Join the “Comment to win a FREE month of eHarmony!” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 2:45am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0