Trust - how to gain it long distance?


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besimhu is offline besimhu Post #1  July 5,2010, 2:13pm
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Some time in May I got matched with an amazing person. We e-mailed constantly and eventually I gave her my number.

I forgot to mention we live 600 miles apart, but it doesn't affect me at all. I know that I have stumbled upon something amazing and letting go of that would be unthinkable.

After talking to her over the phone, I have basically learned that she is worried that my only interest is getting into her pants. As the last few fellas she has met, basically tried to do that.

Some of the main reasons I am talking to her are of how ambitious and genuine she is. She also seems to have a great humor. Her attractiveness is a bonus to me. But how do I make her believe that? One other major reason I am giving it plenty of time long distance, is because males are such visual creatures and I was afraid I wouldn't give myself enough time to get to know her.

We are meeting mid August. And I am very excited about it.

She is also unlike no other female. This woman has her priorities right. She doesn't read into calls and messages sent. School/career and family come first for her. And because she has had so much attention from guys, she now boosts this incredibly thick armor.

As she put it "it's incredibly scary for me to invest myself into hypotheticals (the hypothetical of whether a guy really likes me for who I am, or whether he just likes me for physical reasons)".

And from our last conversation, basically the more interest a guy puts into her...she gets turned off I believe. Because of the constant bombardment from guys, she finds people who are not interested in her more interesting to pursue.

I had mentioned to her that once we meet, and the interaction is there. That I'd be willing to move closer for the communication to be easier. Am I crazy for saying such things?

Any advice from previous long distance relationships that worked out?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  July 5,2010, 2:23pm
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I do think you're way ahead of yourself already. Talking in general terms about ability to move is one thing; this person is not someone to move for, at this point.

The way to be trusted is by not doing anything to cause lack of trust.

With that, do not allow someone to walk over you or expect you to something uncomfortable, to "prove" trust. (You don't have to prove it.)
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #3  July 5,2010, 2:31pm
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besimhu wrote :
Some time in May I got matched with an amazing person. We e-mailed constantly and eventually I gave her my number.

I forgot to mention we live 600 miles apart, but it doesn't affect me at all. I know that I have stumbled upon something amazing and letting go of that would be unthinkable.

After talking to her over the phone, I have basically learned that she is worried that my only interest is getting into her pants. As the last few fellas she has met, basically tried to do that.

Some of the main reasons I am talking to her are of how ambitious and genuine she is. She also seems to have a great humor. Her attractiveness is a bonus to me. But how do I make her believe that? One other major reason I am giving it plenty of time long distance, is because males are such visual creatures and I was afraid I wouldn't give myself enough time to get to know her.

We are meeting mid August. And I am very excited about it.

She is also unlike no other female. This woman has her priorities right. She doesn't read into calls and messages sent. School/career and family come first for her. And because she has had so much attention from guys, she now boosts this incredibly thick armor.

As she put it "it's incredibly scary for me to invest myself into hypotheticals (the hypothetical of whether a guy really likes me for who I am, or whether he just likes me for physical reasons)".

And from our last conversation, basically the more interest a guy puts into her...she gets turned off I believe. Because of the constant bombardment from guys, she finds people who are not interested in her more interesting to pursue.

I had mentioned to her that once we meet, and the interaction is there. That I'd be willing to move closer for the communication to be easier. Am I crazy for saying such things?

Any advice from previous long distance relationships that worked out?
The way I see this, you have two huge issues to concern yourself with...
The first is: distance...which may or may not pose a problem with your side of it, especially if you're willing to re-locate(which it sounds like you are)
In between now and then, though..., 600 miles is a long drive.

The second and possibly biggest obstacle to overcome is she's obviously lumped you in with every other guy with whom shes had experiences with...hence the "getting into my pants" comment....

The first obstacle, the physical problem.... may be actually easier to overcome than the second one, which is psychological.

It's up to you if you want to try, but, I can tell you from experience.... you will have your work cut out for you.
IMO, she has issues.

If you need further evidence of this, look to your own words:

"And from our last conversation, basically the more interest a guy puts into her...she gets turned off I believe. Because of the constant bombardment from guys, she finds people who are not interested in her more interesting to pursue."

So...the more "amazed" and "excited" with her YOU get...the more turned off she'll be??

Well, that sounds healthy.


Good luck, though....
Last edited by TheThinker; July 5,2010 at 2:44pm.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  July 5,2010, 2:39pm
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Its almost impossible to build authentic trust long distance with someone that has a normal level of reserve. You don't know each other, as much as it seems like you do now.

You havent been with each other at your worst, during challenging circumstances, over any length of time. Any of these situations could change the way that you feel.... instantly. It could also change the way that she feels.

If you are concerned about the sex thing, the best way to gain her trust that way is to simply not push for it or place yourself in circumstances where it might happen. A guy that was conscious of this/responsible in this way would gain huge points with me.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #5  July 5,2010, 2:49pm
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besimhu wrote :

I had mentioned to her that once we meet, and the interaction is there. That I'd be willing to move closer for the communication to be easier. Am I crazy for saying such things?

Any advice from previous long distance relationships that worked out?

Some advice.....


First off have you guys talked about how set either of you are in staying where you currently are or are either of you open to relocating either to each other or to a mutually agreed opupon spot? If the answer is no then why bother pursuing this? I have been matched with people for an LDR but I knew there was just no way I could move to where she was located.

Have you ever met anyone in person whom you met online before? From my experence you never know until you meet in person no matter how good the phone chats are.

Some advice prior to meeting.....DO NOT talk to her for a week or so before meeting. The reason is that you will have stuff to talk about. If you talk the night before meeting you will have not have stuff to talk about.

Her concern has been just sleeping with her then leaving. Do your best not to sleep with her unless she initiates it.
 
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besimhu is offline besimhu Post #6  July 5,2010, 3:14pm
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There are smaller things that I forgot to mention here and there.

I am actually not even interested in sleeping with her...yet (I'd be foolish to say never...as a guy sure it comes up). My whole hearted intentions are to get to know her first. And actually even if she were to make a move...I'd be standing down until I know it is a right thing to do. Which from our conversations I know she won't. She is not a casual girl.

For maybe half of June we didn't talk, she was in the process of moving from Arizona to Nebraska for her Masters, along the way she has summer classes and projects that are demanding. Which I totally understand. Most of our conversations were via text or email during that time.

Saturday before the fourth was the first time we talked since the whole June no talk time.

We have never discussed who would move and such if things were to work out. In fact it would be too early to ask such a question. I graduate fall of 2011, and I actually have not asked when her masters is done.

I have a certain career path that I want to take, and I know for a fact she wants to stay in Nebraska by her family. That's another reason why I enjoy her. She has a very loving and affectionate family which is something I have not had growing up.

And yes, I am taking it slowly until I meet her to see how it will work out. Most of our conversations are anywhere from hour and a half to two hours. So we have plenty to talk about...and for most part get along.

And even if she's got a hold of me...she has nothing to gain out of it.

For me it is simple. As a person you know when you have met someone unique and special. And that someone is her.
Last edited by besimhu; July 5,2010 at 3:16pm.
 
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besimhu is offline besimhu Post #7  July 5,2010, 3:21pm
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TheThinker wrote :
So...the more "amazed" and "excited" with her YOU get...the more turned off she'll be??

Well, that sounds healthy.

Good luck, though....
I don't necessarily think that is the case with me. I suppose it's when random guys in public act in such a way towards her. I know from our emails and conversations that she has excitement. In fact she has communicated that when she is busy -- that she has not forgotten about me and that she'd call or text/email when she has time.

She'd rather have time to write a great email or have time for a longer conversations instead of writing 1-2 sentences or calling for 5 min. Which all that is totally cool with me.
Last edited by besimhu; July 5,2010 at 3:24pm.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #8  July 5,2010, 4:21pm
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besimhu wrote :
I don't necessarily think that is the case with me. I suppose it's when random guys in public act in such a way towards her. I know from our emails and conversations that she has excitement. In fact she has communicated that when she is busy -- that she has not forgotten about me and that she'd call or text/email when she has time.

She'd rather have time to write a great email or have time for a longer conversations instead of writing 1-2 sentences or calling for 5 min. Which all that is totally cool with me.
Yeah, we're all different. all unique...
(At least that's what we'd like to convince ourselves of, eh?)

The only thing I'll add is that, if it were me...I'd go easy on the constant emailing, chit-chat, texts...whatever.

Her track record, in as much as what you said in your previous posts, indicate that frequent communication is not going to go over very well in the long run.

A little anticipation is never a bad thing. And the stars that shine the brightest, also burn out the fastest.
wrote :
For me it is simple. As a person you know when you have met someone unique and special. And that someone is her.
and for me it is quite simple, as well:
Until you actually meet someone....in person, you don't know them....you just don't.
And they don't actually know you.

Keep that in your memory banks, and it will serve you well.

Anyway, good luck.
Last edited by TheThinker; July 5,2010 at 4:33pm.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #9  July 5,2010, 4:27pm

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just do what you are doing. Trust takes time near and far and by giving things time you are building trust. Simple as that. there is really nothing you can do in the meantime but be consistent in your behavior ane match your actions to your words. The rest works out.
 
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