whatashameaboutme is offline whatashameaboutme Post #1  July 3,2010, 11:02pm
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This isn't another generalization thread. In fact, I'm just looking for genuine answers about what makes people tick, including myself (or the me of the past.)

In high school, I was no different than any other guy. I had crushes on the hot, popular girls. In fact, two of the crushes in particular continued (off and on) after high school ended...and I thought that they had some power over me...that there was some kind of psychology behind myself not being able to attract them...and it drove me in the wrong direction...wanting to meet girls like them, in the 18-22 range, that looked like in high school they were the hot, popular girl.

My theory (and I want to know if this is on point) is that it wasn't so much their physical appearance as much as it was the cache that their appearance brings...and that dating or having sex with a "hot girl" would represent making it in society (in my eyes and the eyes of many.) So in high school, I noticed these women, thought they were pretty, but also noticed "they're wanted, and getting them would somehow validate me."

If this is the case, is this why some (notice I say some, not most or all) women like the jock or the man in uniform...because they think if they're seen with one by other women, other women will be jealous of them and it will make them seem more important, or is it basic animal attraction at work (basic animal attraction, sounds like an erotic thriller with michael douglas and demi moore) or a combination of both?

Also, why don't some people, both men and women, never get over the "hot girl" or "muscular/jock/man in uniform guy?" Is it a maturity issue?

Some people say attraction isn't a choice...I wholeheartedly disagree. There are some people you never will be attracted to, and there are some people, they could be wearing flannel's and a ripped t shirt and you'd still find them very attractive because they're your type...but I un-brainwashed myself from liking the conventional hot women, why can't the 20something women and other women that like those guys do the same? Is their image that important to them?
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  July 3,2010, 11:21pm
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That's an interesting post, OP. Thank you for avoiding generalizing. Now we can actually talk about something instead of just fighting!

My theory on why *some* people, both male and female, get fixated on a specific image of what's "hot" that has to do with superficial traits, is that they are out of touch with themselves. They do not actually experience attraction, in a real way -- "real" meaning it's rooted in their true selves, in their own bodies and perceptions and feelings. They experience instead a reaction to "that's what I'm supposed to like" or "that's what other people will envy me for", or something like that.

That's my theory. Could be wrong.
 
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EmergencyNurse is offline EmergencyNurse Post #3  July 3,2010, 11:26pm
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The bottom line is that we all have different tastes as to what we find attractive, no generalizations. Like most women, I love that "triangle" shape for which men strive. And I'm not talking dramatic shaping....so long as your chest and shoulders are broader than your waist, you've gotten my attention. Regardless of what line of work he is in, you're attracted to what you find attractive.

Regarding men in uniform, I don't know many women who don't have a weakness for a man in uniform....whether he's in the military, law enforcement, or firefighting. Outside of the fact that most men in these positions are reasonably fit, these men exhibit strength, power, protection, and responsibility. All of these traits are things we as women look for in life partners.

Anyhow just a few thoughts for you to chew on.
 
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whatashameaboutme is offline whatashameaboutme Post #4  July 3,2010, 11:31pm
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That's an interesting take, Sass.

Btw, I'm in no way saying that every conventionally hot person is worthless or anything, but a lot of them are victims of their own success and modesty isn't prevalent with them. For example, I told a female stripper years ago "you're pretty" and she said "I know."

Also, getting back to your take...it feels way, way better when you're attracted to someone that's representative of you and what you like as opposed to just noticing the conventionally hot woman.

As much as I love the show Married With Children...they kind of go overboard with the whole "hot girl" thing. In fact, I'd argue, and a lot of other guys would too, that Peg Bundy (Al's wife) is prettier than many of the women that Al and Bud drool over.
 
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robv_la is offline robv_la Post #5  July 3,2010, 11:37pm
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One of the roadblocks to finding someone who is right for you is allowing others to have too much influence on who you date, or on what you think is attractive.

When I say others this applied to society as a whole, friends, or even family.

Regardless, appearance will always play a big part in who we find attractive, at least at first. Once you get past a few dates, appearance becomes less important to most people and other traits become more important.
 
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whatashameaboutme is offline whatashameaboutme Post #6  July 3,2010, 11:37pm
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EmergencyNurse wrote :
The bottom line is that we all have different tastes as to what we find attractive, no generalizations. Like most women, I love that "triangle" shape for which men strive. And I'm not talking dramatic shaping....so long as your chest and shoulders are broader than your waist, you've gotten my attention. Regardless of what line of work he is in, you're attracted to what you find attractive.

Regarding men in uniform, I don't know many women who don't have a weakness for a man in uniform....whether he's in the military, law enforcement, or firefighting. Outside of the fact that most men in these positions are reasonably fit, these men exhibit strength, power, protection, and responsibility. All of these traits are things we as women look for in life partners.

Anyhow just a few thoughts for you to chew on.
Well my cousin's second husband is a cop (also now in Iraq)...he lost his job because he threatened to kill her...he drives around a Ford Mustang that his father bought for him with a license plate "NYPD Blue" when he couldn't cut it in his local town police department.

He's trigger-happy...shot and killed a criminal off-duty...he's negative...never has anything good to say about anything and just complains about how he has no free time since he's a father.

He was caught looking for hook-ups on myspace (and my cousin is really pretty.)

Yeah, a real winner lol.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #7  July 3,2010, 11:56pm
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whatashameaboutme wrote :
Well my cousin's second husband is a cop (snip....)

Yeah, a real winner lol.
And, I know many good (kind, smart, and giving) men who wear a uniform. I'm sorry to hear about your cousin's bad situation, but her husband certainly isn't representative of men in general who wear either a policeman's or a soldier's uniform. So, why generalize? (Similarly, why would you generalize to attractive women from something that a stripper told you? It's her job to be attractive to men -- and she probably has a hundred men a night telling her just what you told her...)

Re: your earlier questions.... "Yes"; it is immature to let others define for you whom you "should" be attracted to, or to derive your self-worth from how others view the object of your attraction. Most adults do not do this. Even where first attraction is primarily based on looks, deep and lasting relationships are built on personal characteristics.

If you are so focused on how others are viewing you, then it's time to take a closer look inward yourself to figure out why that is, and how you can move past that dependence (with help if necessary).
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #8  July 3,2010, 11:57pm

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I was never interested in men because of "what it would do for my image" and in fact what you describe is I think unique to men in a way. I've read about what you describe exactly (sort of this, status thing about being with the right girl, not even the prettiest neccessarily but the popular chick who is accepted as "hot") and men judge other men this way.....or boys, maybe. I've also read most grow out of this...

some don't.

I really don't think women care as much about what their friends think, when it comes to the 'hot guy' anyway.

I've never been into "jocks" or the "popular guy"

of course I've had crushes that lasted a stupid long time, that's normal.

At some point I think I did come to a point of reckoning where I realized how immature I was....and how it was all a fantasy....and how just because you like someone doesn't mean they feel the same way....and you start to realize really how you don't have any control over other people...and it's nothing personal....and yeah, it's an immature thing to objectivy people (yes, me too, then) that in our fantasies this perfect person would be so perfect in our lives and everything would be perfect.

Only, that person doesn't exist for us. And relationships are complicated things that are never perfect and no one exists just to make us happy.
 
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EmergencyNurse is offline EmergencyNurse Post #9  July 4,2010, 12:21am
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whatashameaboutme wrote :
Well my cousin's second husband is a cop (also now in Iraq)...he lost his job because he threatened to kill her...he drives around a Ford Mustang that his father bought for him with a license plate "NYPD Blue" when he couldn't cut it in his local town police department.

He's trigger-happy...shot and killed a criminal off-duty...he's negative...never has anything good to say about anything and just complains about how he has no free time since he's a father.

He was caught looking for hook-ups on myspace (and my cousin is really pretty.)

Yeah, a real winner lol.


Wow sorry to hear that about your cousin! Her ex sounds like a nut job.
 
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whatashameaboutme is offline whatashameaboutme Post #10  July 4,2010, 12:31am
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She's still married to him, and in fact had another kid with him last year (after the death threat and cheating/cheating attempts.)

With her, it's easy to see what her problem is. She has low self-esteem, has battled depression, and also clearly has a thing for not just guys in uniform, but any guy that's average height, stalky, and a flat top (Jason Varitek of the Boston Red Sox kind of men)...and she mistakes lust for love, and also doesn't think she deserves any better emotionally due to the low self-esteem.
 
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