ravitaekwondo is offline ravitaekwondo Post #1  July 2,2010, 9:29pm
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Well, tonite had to be my worst date ever. I got matched up with somebody a month ago, and we started to develop the dialogue in the last couple of weeks. We had good e-mail exchanges, and even talked on the phone a few times. So, I took the initiative and asked her out.

The date lasted only 45 minutes. She is just recently divorced, and apparently was not ready for the potential of a relationship, let alone even going on a date.

I just wonder why women who are divorced and claim to be over it are really not over it. They have no business dating until they feel they are ready to date, and are ready to embrace the fact that not all guys are like their exes.

Thoughts on this, fellow eH advice board members?
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope Post #2  July 2,2010, 9:35pm
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One of the first questions I ask someone is how long they've been divorced. When it's recent, they usually go on to describe how it's much longer since they've been emotionally close.

Yeh. Less than a year is kind of a 'take your chances' period, IMO.

Sorry you had such a disappointing date.
 
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ravitaekwondo is offline ravitaekwondo Post #3  July 2,2010, 9:44pm
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I am actually doing pretty good. My last relationship ended a few months ago, and I tell ya, I have done a lot of growing up from that. I am a lot more sure of myself. Maybe that is why I am able to "forget" tonite's experience...the old addage, being comfortable in your own skin.

I have dated divorced women before, but boy, she had some really negative attitudes about dating. I tried to be understanding and listenting, but boy, so much negativity!!!
 
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TXButtercup is offline TXButtercup Post #4  July 2,2010, 9:59pm
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lacedwithhope wrote :
One of the first questions I ask someone is how long they've been divorced. When it's recent, they usually go on to describe how it's much longer since they've been emotionally close.

Yeh. Less than a year is kind of a 'take your chances' period, IMO.

Sorry you had such a disappointing date.

I tend to feel the same way as Laced.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #5  July 2,2010, 10:59pm
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What did you see in her that made it end. Are you sure it was her divorce recently and not some excuse because she wanted out from you?
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #6  July 2,2010, 11:14pm
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lacedwithhope wrote :
One of the first questions I ask someone is how long they've been divorced. When it's recent, they usually go on to describe how it's much longer since they've been emotionally close.

Yeh. Less than a year is kind of a 'take your chances' period, IMO.

Sorry you had such a disappointing date.

I disagree with you on this point.

I know from my own experience. I was married. The last 3 years we were civil but unromantic. we went through marraige counseling and it didnt solve anything. We talked about divorce. I held of because I didnt like the feeling of throwing her on the street. But then she pulled something and it was over like that.

I found out about this on a Sunday and by the next Sunday I never saw her again--ever. (no...she is still living). We went through divorce...a quickie one. I was fine afterwords.


The factors that play in a divorce and recover time relates to:

length of the relationship/marriage?
How intertwined are your lives post marriage...you share kids..share friends? How often do you need to see them.
How much fighting in the marriage?
Was there cheating?
Was the divorce realized and known going in or was it a shick to you?

The last two are the biggest factors that say how much recovery takes before you date again.


Sure everyone has been affected by all past relationships where they have been affected from the results...both good and bad.

Marriage was part of your life....its not baggage. Just because you can freely talk about your past marriage and what happened does not mean you somehow have problems or bring baggage. Actually its the opposite...if its more difficult to talk open about it the more baggage you bring.
 
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ravitaekwondo is offline ravitaekwondo Post #7  July 2,2010, 11:18pm
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ami1uwant wrote :
What did you see in her that made it end. Are you sure it was her divorce recently and not some excuse because she wanted out from you?
True, there could very well have been something(s) about me she didn't like or find attractive...I keep an open mind. But when she made comments like "I am so glad I cancelled my eH account", or "I am not ready for a relationship", or "I am scared of dating", you can bet 8.99/10.00 she is not over her divorce.
 
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ravitaekwondo is offline ravitaekwondo Post #8  July 2,2010, 11:22pm
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ami1uwant wrote :
I disagree with you on this point.

I know from my own experience. I was married. The last 3 years we were civil but unromantic. we went through marraige counseling and it didnt solve anything. We talked about divorce. I held of because I didnt like the feeling of throwing her on the street. But then she pulled something and it was over like that.

I found out about this on a Sunday and by the next Sunday I never saw her again--ever. (no...she is still living). We went through divorce...a quickie one. I was fine afterwords.


The factors that play in a divorce and recover time relates to:

length of the relationship/marriage?
How intertwined are your lives post marriage...you share kids..share friends? How often do you need to see them.
How much fighting in the marriage?
Was there cheating?
Was the divorce realized and known going in or was it a shick to you?

The last two are the biggest factors that say how much recovery takes before you date again.


Sure everyone has been affected by all past relationships where they have been affected from the results...both good and bad.

Marriage was part of your life....its not baggage. Just because you can freely talk about your past marriage and what happened does not mean you somehow have problems or bring baggage. Actually its the opposite...if its more difficult to talk open about it the more baggage you bring.
In the end, we all bring some sorts of issues and baggage into relationships. We all have had negative experiences, to varying degrees and types. My point is that a divorced woman should not think that all guys are scumbags because their ex treated them so bad. There are few good guys left on this planet, who truly have a great heart and an open mind, and would prefer that a divorced woman see him in such a way.
 
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Johnnyguitarman is offline Johnnyguitarman Post #9  July 3,2010, 12:42am
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Good point OP!

I too have had less than great experiences with divorced/ seperated women who think they are ready but are clearly not. Including one who told me she was divorced when it was really seperation for just over a year.

I read somewhere that the divorced should wait TWO YEARS before dating, and that is two years from finalising the divorce not just from becoming seperated.

This is a good idea and will save a lot of trouble all around.
 
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cal_dude is offline cal_dude Post #10  July 3,2010, 1:50pm
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ravitaekwondo wrote :
True, there could very well have been something(s) about me she didn't like or find attractive...I keep an open mind. But when she made comments like "I am so glad I cancelled my eH account", or "I am not ready for a relationship", or "I am scared of dating", you can bet 8.99/10.00 she is not over her divorce.
Wow! almost an hour of torture! Sorry! We've all been there.
However, if you ask me who'd I pick as the worst date: 1) a divorced woman still not over her ex, or 2) a woman who never had a long-term relationship because of her lack of warmth and emotional development (while she'd consider it "independence" ). Although both are louse options, I'd say #1 is better because at least she has feelings.
 
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