LollyGager is offline LollyGager Post #1  July 2,2010, 11:58am
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I am a recovering addict, been clean for some time now. I am afraid to date because sooner or later the guy will see my arms. They are healed but dtill noticable. How do I broach this topic?
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  July 2,2010, 12:44pm
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Can you wear sleeves until you're at a point where you feel comfortable talking about this with him? So you don't have to go into it before you're ready to.

When you do start talking, I think it's best to be straightforward. Don't downplay it or make excuses etc, just say what happened. And include the positives (being clean, for how long, what you've learned from the whole experience, etc.)

If you haven't already, HIV and hepatitis testing would be a good idea, both for yourself and future partners. Whether you shared needles or not: your future partner will have this concern and it would be good to be able to say you're on top of it.

Congratulations! on getting clean, that is so great! :-)
 
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yeahitsme is offline yeahitsme Post #3  July 2,2010, 1:01pm
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Yes, congrats on sobriety!!

I think this is a topic that should probably be addressed relatively early on in a relationship.

Just remember that not every match is going to be forgiving of your past. Its a personal choice that they make and doesn't reflect on you. Much like people setting standards that they won't date anybody who has been divorced, is short, over weight, an accountant, has the same name as their uncle... whatever it is.

Once again, congratulations! Good luck with your matches!
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  July 2,2010, 1:07pm
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I agree with the above advices.

This would scare me - if we met, of course.

You might find that the person you meet has never seen drug use, or has reason to be knowledgeable about it, and thus may not even think to ask, or be inclined to think of it.
 
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yeahitsme is offline yeahitsme Post #5  July 2,2010, 1:19pm
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Personal disclosure:

In my past, I struggled with a very deep depression. I have some self inflicted scars on my legs. I found the right medication, and worked through a lot of issues in therapy and now find myself in a very contented, healthy place. I don't make a point of showing people my scars and telling them my life story, but if somebdoy happens to see them, I am honest and explain what is different now. I don't make excuses, and I certianly don't appologize. I have found the reaction to this disclosure to be about 75/25. Most people say "I'm sorry about your past but glad to see you are happy now.", but it totally freaks out a lot of other people. The people that aren't understanding aren't people I'd be inclined to date anyhow.

I'd venture to guess your experience would be the same.
 
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Johnnyguitarman is offline Johnnyguitarman Post #6  July 2,2010, 1:31pm
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You should let dates/ potential dates know very soon. To be honest, it would freak me out and quite a few other men too and we are not the ones you want to date- so we need to know. Not sure about mentioning being a former addict on any online profile, but you should tell any matches. And I agree with the above comment, get tested for everything.

The issue is not the track marks (these may heal and be barely visible- I don't know), but the fact that you were a heroin user that any potential dates should know.

I do feel sorry for your predicament, but please consider others!
 
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Emme0264 is offline Emme0264 Post #7  July 2,2010, 2:04pm
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Without getting too personal, I can relate to some of this and trying to find the time to disclose. First, the obvious question - are you in any 12 step or other recovery groups where you might find a guy who completely understands and accepts you for who you are right from the get-go? If not, or you've already tried that avenue, I probably wouldn't address the issue until you're a few dates in. I believe track marks fade to very faint marks with time, is that right? Cutting might leave bigger scars. I've been trying to think how I would react to a match telling me such thigns about himself. First, I would be flattered he felt comfortable enough to share that with me, so maybe make sure you're comfortable with him before thinking of bringing it up. Second, I fear my shallowness would want to know that he was hepatits B and C clean, as well as HIV and another other needle-related illnesses. If he isn't, that would be something I'd have to work on accepting.

My experience is that people who have been in recovery for a while and have battled their demons as you appear to have done, tend to be extremely sensitive to the needs of their partners as well as themselves, and probably more in touch with what's going on. So I don't think I'd rule anyone out for drug history or depression history. But then again, my own mental health history isn't exemplary so I'd be needing some accomodation there as well.

I think there are plenty of people for whom your issues would be minor. For some reason my tattooist comes to mind. He's impossibly hot (and married, to say nothing of way too young for me) but he's got a rather extreme drug past that he has put in his rearview mirror and he is one of the most fascinating people I have evern known. I wouldn't hesitate to date him for even a nano-second.

i wish you well. Great men are out there. I hope you find one, and keep us up to date with how your search goes!

Emme
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #8  July 2,2010, 2:53pm
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LollyGager wrote :
I am a recovering addict, been clean for some time now. I am afraid to date because sooner or later the guy will see my arms. They are healed but dtill noticable. How do I broach this topic?

I once dated someone who was a recovering alcohol and drug user. She had been sober about 10 years. The time span was a factor in my willingness to date her.

Other factors was if she removed to influencers in her life that originally started the addiction problems and she said she did. I would be more concerned if the person didnt change much in social contacts and habits from before so the influencers were still there.

Some will turn and run from you...and that is the risk that you will need to accept.

A piece of advice is not to be secret about it or basically lie at first hoping the longer you are with him to tell him the real truth. As much as I could understand why you wanted to lie...to me it sharters the trust because I would wonder what else you lied to me about. The same is true when you lie by omission by not telling the details.
 
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