People that still talk to their exes


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FebruaryStars is offline FebruaryStars Post #1  July 1,2010, 5:51am
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Every single guy that I have dated here on eHarmony still communicates with his ex or exes. Even though in all cases, there isn't any children involved. One guy told me that he talks to his ex wife a few times a year to see how she was doing. He also touches base with women that he has dated in the past. Another guy told me that he meets with his ex wife a few times a year to see how she is doing. Why the need to make sure she is doing good? Who cares really. Isn't that why we break-up?

To me, communication with an ex (when kids aren't involved) is just weird! Why are these guys unwilling to close the door on their past relationships? My philosophy on past relationships is "there ain't no good guy, there ain't no bad guy..." Sometimes relationships just don't work out. Am I bitter with my exes? No way. Do I still talk to them and want to know how they are doing? No way.

I think that in order to open a new door, you need to close the old ones first.

So I ask, is this the "norm" because I want nothing to do with it?
 
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Johnnyguitarman is offline Johnnyguitarman Post #2  July 1,2010, 6:02am
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AS long as there is no bad feeling, I communicate with some of my exes (though not all). One of them looks after one of my cats when I'm away and I service her car (not her!). Having friends is better than enemies!

I am, however, able to no longer have those feelings for exes. So for me, the communication is platonic. I know that may not be true for all men and their exes.
 
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morningsunlight is offline morningsunlight Post #3  July 1,2010, 6:04am
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I do not know about the situations of your dates.

But I would be very happy if a date cared about well-being of their Exes. He would have married them because he had cared them enough to marry. A few times a year seem infrequent enough not to be suspicious about anything ongoing. I'd interpret that he'd be humane and civil there. I do not think that they should contact their Exes, but I do not think that they should not, either. Basically, that would be none of my business.
Last edited by morningsunlight; July 1,2010 at 6:09am.
 
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Spider is offline Spider Post #4  July 1,2010, 6:08am
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I'm with the poster. I have no reason to be in contact with my ex, other than matters which concern our children or mutual finances. Since we divorced, more than two years ago, I've contacted him once, by email, to ask about the mortgage paperwork on our house.

While I wish him well, there is no reason to socialize.
 
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FebruaryStars is offline FebruaryStars Post #5  July 1,2010, 6:26am
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Spider wrote :
I'm with the poster. I have no reason to be in contact with my ex, other than matters which concern our children or mutual finances. Since we divorced, more than two years ago, I've contacted him once, by email, to ask about the mortgage paperwork on our house.

While I wish him well, there is no reason to socialize.
I am glad that someone agrees with me. Your contact sounds typical and reasonable to me. I just can't date someone that still communicates with their ex or exes. I think that it is nice that they care, but at some point you need to move on. The ex was perfectly fine before they were the "ex," so they will be fine afterwards. Like you said, no need to socialize.

It is very very difficult to move from romantic to platonic. It has been my experience in the past that those old ties come back especially when a new girl is in the picture.

I know that it further narrows my dating pool, but I prefer that the men that I date not be in contact with their ex. Unless like you said it has to do with children or finances.
Last edited by FebruaryStars; July 1,2010 at 6:34am.
 
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FebruaryStars is offline FebruaryStars Post #6  July 1,2010, 6:27am
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Johnnyguitarman wrote :
AS long as there is no bad feeling, I communicate with some of my exes (though not all). One of them looks after one of my cats when I'm away and I service her car (not her!). Having friends is better than enemies!

I am, however, able to no longer have those feelings for exes. So for me, the communication is platonic. I know that may not be true for all men and their exes.
Do the girls that you date mind? Or are they totally cool with it?
 
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Johnnyguitarman is offline Johnnyguitarman Post #7  July 1,2010, 6:35am
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FebruaryStars wrote :
Do the girls that you date mind? Or are they totally cool with it?
Well, my current girlfriend is still in occasional touch with her ex husband and his family, so she can hardly complain. It is useful to stay in touch with people. My ex alerted me to a job advert that I could go for. You need all the help when you are unemployed!

You cannot generalise all people are different. So if you don't like men who have some contact their exes then only date men who have completely cut off their exes.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #8  July 1,2010, 6:49am
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Just because you've decided that you don't make a good "couple" doesn't mean that you don't make good "friends." There is a difference and not all break-ups or bad or require the need to "move on."

I have absolutely no issue with a new partner actually being friends with their ex, as I am friends with mine. I am also friends with a few guys that I have met online in a dating situation and for whatever reason that didn't work out. We still email and hang out occassionally.

I think it's all about the person and the attitude. There is no reason to go out of your way to cut off someone if you truly make good friends. I think a new partner should have the security in themselves and their relationship to deal with it.
 
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greg75 is offline greg75 Post #9  July 1,2010, 7:31am
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If there was something toxic that forced you to break up with this ex (i.e. drugs, some type of abuse,) then maintaining contact is not a good thing.

But, if the break-up was just that....realizing you didn't make a good couple and you maintained a good friendship, I see nothing wrong with that. I, of course, would not spend equal amount of time or even any time with the ex if I am dating someone else though. That would be weird, but I wouldn't stop being friends with an ex just because someone says you can't be friends.
 
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SeeShore is offline SeeShore Post #10  July 1,2010, 8:14am
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When I met current bf, I was surprised at how nice he was to his ex (still am sometimes). He said some women didn't like that they were still friendly, but I said "I think it's great! I might be your ex some day!"

I don't really stay in contact with any exes. Rarely I will speak to my exhusband, as there are kids involved (and he owes me a lot of money grrrr). Otherwise, good riddance to them all!
 
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