People that still talk to their exes


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Spider is offline Spider Post #51  July 3,2010, 5:46am
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trixie1868 wrote :
I have dinner with my ex much more regularly than that. We've never stepped over the platonic line and one or both have us have often been single. The thing is we've had a lot of sex and it was fantastic so there's no curiosity about that, nothing left unanswered. What's more we've always liked one another but as a couple we simply didn't work out. We're very functional friends and I think we both know that any repeat sex would mess that up. We both know that we're very compatible in bed but we also both know that we didn't fall in love with each other when we had the chance. More importantly we both know that we'd miss this friendship more than we'd enjoy a passing rekindling.

Oh, I did that - had dinner on a regular basis with the ex when we first split, often with our son. We met up about every two/three weeks - but after three or four times, I found myself thinking, "Good lord, this man is dull!" and realized that my time would be more exciting if spent painting my toenails or scrubbing the grout in the bathtub.
So no more meetings, straight on to the divorce with no looking back.

Now, I am still willing to socialize with the guy I dated afterward, but I don't consider him an "ex", just a man I saw a few times. I don't even consider him a friend - the relationship (if you could call it that) didn't get that far. When I see him - grocery store, gas station, etc. - we speak and catch up for a few minutes, but there's nothing more than that. As I said, not friends, just friendly, but I would be more willing to sit and have a coffee with him than the ex, just because he's more interesting. Neither of us has made an effort to keep in contact, though, and I haven't seen him in about a year.
 
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Kukuxumusu is offline Kukuxumusu Post #52  July 6,2010, 7:11am
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[Well put Spider. I actually spoke with a therapist about this very issue. The therapist said that if a person stays in contact with their ex and has dinner 3 times a year with him/her. More than likely sex is involved]..

Your therapist said that? wow! Interesting. That is a very solid statement. I wonder where he/she gets this fact. As someone who's well informed about the counseling/therapist world, I find it quite fascinating that this person is making such statements to you. Most therapist will avoid doing so because (like you seem to be doing) people take them as an absolute truth. The power authority of the Counselor validates facts that may as well be just their own individual perception of things.

Anyway, listen. This is the thing. If you feel like it's not ok for the person you wish to date to have contact with his ex/es that is fine for you. At the end, it's what makes YOU happy. You asked, people gave you an array of different opinions. That doesn't make either party wrong. That only means that we're all entitled to our own opinion and feelings about things.

Live your life, be happy.
 
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FebruaryStars is offline FebruaryStars Post #53  July 6,2010, 1:00pm
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Kukuxumusu wrote :
[Well put Spider. I actually spoke with a therapist about this very issue. The therapist said that if a person stays in contact with their ex and has dinner 3 times a year with him/her. More than likely sex is involved]..

Your therapist said that? wow! Interesting. That is a very solid statement. I wonder where he/she gets this fact. As someone who's well informed about the counseling/therapist world, I find it quite fascinating that this person is making such statements to you. Most therapist will avoid doing so because (like you seem to be doing) people take them as an absolute truth. The power authority of the Counselor validates facts that may as well be just their own individual perception of things.

Anyway, listen. This is the thing. If you feel like it's not ok for the person you wish to date to have contact with his ex/es that is fine for you. At the end, it's what makes YOU happy. You asked, people gave you an array of different opinions. That doesn't make either party wrong. That only means that we're all entitled to our own opinion and feelings about things.

Live your life, be happy.
Well put!
Different strokes for different folks!
 
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aylia is offline aylia Post #54  July 15,2010, 9:17pm
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I still see my ex (of 13 years) everyday at work. Being on speaking terms makes my life a whole lot better. We don't talk all the time but I value being able to talk to him. We have a history and he has an insight that no one else has. Just because we're not together doesn't mean I don't care. It would be sad to break off contact all together.
 
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petunialane is offline petunialane Post #55  August 30,2010, 5:14am
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Although it does make my jealousy tendencies flare slightly, I think it'd noble and says something nice about a man who still cares about his exes. As long as it's not inappropriate, which is up to you, it does prove that he has the capacity to really love and care about somebody outside of sex and the need for companionship. I have never been married, but do wonder how my exes lives are going. I am friends (not close, though) with one and see one for work about weekly. Things are civil and it is certainly nothing that a current bf should see as an issue.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #56  August 30,2010, 7:36pm
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ratedPG wrote :
I honestly DO think I will get to the place where I can speak to him reasonably....most of our problem is that he is NOT over me yet, and it DOES affect how we relate to each other! UGH....It'll be hard...but I know it can be done. Thanks for once again being an encourager!

Penny
Hey Penny...

Anytime. People tend to think (and understandably so) that if it hasn't worked for them, or it's not to their taste, then it must be that way for everybody... *buzz*. No, see.. there is this thing called individuality, personality differnces, different belief systems and such? One Size does not fit all!

As I see it... ex's as platonic friends is not impossible at all (of course really bad relationships in which we're talking a very destructive and negative person does not count for this). What's more at issue is most couples just don't go about becoming friends the right way. They try it right away, they don't take the time to heal and get over their emotions/feelings for each other (which you pointed out)...

I keep it simple and tell people this: you have to un-learn your relationship, before you can learn a new friendship together. Most people don't do the first step and thus the 2nd step has no hope.

Because of that.. most people think it's just not possible. It is possible. It just has to be done the correct way.

Richey
 
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psgcooldog is offline psgcooldog Post #57  August 31,2010, 4:24pm
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Well, the g/f I broke up with in February was here today. First time in many, many months. We had a good talk - finally. Stayed on safe subjects, mostly. She'd pretty much stalked me for two and a half months back then.

She's got a new boyfriend, and that's great.

I wish her nothing but the best; she's had a tough life. I'm sad that it didn't work out between us, but I don't want to try again.
 
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