A better way to ask important questions on a 1st or 2nd date


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cal_dude is offline cal_dude Post #1  July 1,2010, 3:57am
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In the "annoying conversations" thread some say don't ask anything that might annoy. Others genuinely want to know stuff about their date, but could be too perceived as pushy.

For example, the "ex questions." I try to ask about her applied "cannot stands" based on her past relationships. What were the top couple of things she didn't like in the past but needs for a relationship to succeed. I get great answers that tell me more about her than other things: both her preferences, like the need to be with a good communicator or the need to go out clubbing every night, and whether she understands herself well.
However, I'd prefer to frame it in the most positive way.
To make sure it's as little as possible about an ex, but more what she would want to see in a relationship to make it last.
Any suggestions for a snappy one-liner positive question?
 
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FebruaryStars is offline FebruaryStars Post #2  July 1,2010, 5:36am
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cal_dude,

I am not really sure how you can ask about prior relationships without opening the door to more information that you might not want to hear. I like to wait for that kind of information over time, but overall I don't want to hear a lot about someone's ex.

I think that other factors will indicate if she is in tune with herself. How are her relationships with her family/friends, what are her hobbies, etc?

Personally, I have learned a great deal from my past relationships. I guess I just like to move forward instead of backwards. I don't want to dwell on the past. So if someone asks me about my past relationships on a second date, I might me a little taken back.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #3  July 1,2010, 5:41am
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Just ask perhaps? "So ... what do you think makes relationships last?" ... asks for what works, not what didn't work in the past.
 
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cal_dude is offline cal_dude Post #4  July 1,2010, 1:08pm
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FebruaryStars wrote :
cal_dude,

I am not really sure how you can ask about prior relationships without opening the door to more information that you might not want to hear. I like to wait for that kind of information over time, but overall I don't want to hear a lot about someone's ex.

I think that other factors will indicate if she is in tune with herself. How are her relationships with her family/friends, what are her hobbies, etc?

Personally, I have learned a great deal from my past relationships. I guess I just like to move forward instead of backwards. I don't want to dwell on the past. So if someone asks me about my past relationships on a second date, I might me a little taken back.
Thanks, other indirect questions are a good idea too.

But I don't mind getting more info than expected
I find the way people talk about this very illuminating.
Last edited by cal_dude; July 1,2010 at 1:17pm.
 
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cal_dude is offline cal_dude Post #5  July 1,2010, 1:15pm
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Sassafras54 wrote :
Just ask perhaps? "So ... what do you think makes relationships last?" ... asks for what works, not what didn't work in the past.
That's a great one for 2nd level questions, thanks.
In person, though, I want to get a hint what she needs to make her next relationship happy and lasting.

In general, everybody answers similarly online. In person though, I get revealing gems like "He didn't want to go clubbing every night" or "He was too close to his family" Or she scores points saying she needs somebody more open-minded or less possessive.

So I want to keep asking this, just to find the best way to frame the question.
 
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ThePriestess is offline ThePriestess Post #6  July 1,2010, 1:23pm
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newbie40something is offline newbie40something Post #7  July 1,2010, 1:37pm
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Yeah....I think the ex questions are just not a good idea. Sassafrass had an excellent point about the positives. Because, in relationships and marriages, it's just too complicated as to why they didn't work out. Usually, there is ownership on both parts in some way. Many times, it could just be a build up of various things and have a long history of many hurtful experiences. I would rather focus on positives.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #8  July 1,2010, 1:41pm
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yeah I tend to shy away from questions on early dates about somebody's past, their philosophies on relationships, etc. To me, it just seems a bit unnatural to talk about that when you're not at the point of a relationship being developed already to some point.. Know what I mean?

It's kind of like asking during a 1st job interview, "so where will my desk be?" It's just a bit early for that kind of question. (Just my opinion anyway).

Another reason I shy away is because one thing I've learned (especially about early dates)is that the answers you get from these types of questions are moreso how your date wants you to see them, what your date wants you to think of them. It may not actually be how they really are. (Kind of like profiles and early Q&A's on eh. Everybody says basically the same thing and answers the same way ~ but then you get to dating them and turns out they're a bit different).

So for that kind of information, I tend to just use my observations and watch how they act to determine that. It is a far more accurate/reliable way to figure out what is what with them. Being so, I tend to just keep it light and ask them what they do now, what are things they woudl like to do in the future (for themselves, not necessarily relationship-wise), what is something new they've done recently that they haven't done before, etc.

It gives me more of an idea of what are they, how they live now. And that tells me a lot about what they've learned and picked up from the past, what they've applied form what they've learned from the past, etc.

Richey
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #9  July 1,2010, 1:51pm
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I think asking about why someone selected the must haves and can't stands which they did is better than asking about prior partners (since the must haves were already introduce by there inclusion in the GC.)

I agree with Richey, in that certain questions nearly invite misleading or evasive answers.

I prefer questions which address her choices in the current time, and near-term plans.

I also try to learn about how she thinks, and her knowledge - things that can't be faked or omitted.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #10  July 1,2010, 2:15pm
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oi. erasing this post lol.
 
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