Understanding Disengaging


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TXButtercup is offline TXButtercup Post #1  June 30,2010, 4:39pm
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It seems I have some knack for attracting men that come on really strong and then withdraw, for no apparent reason that I can understand. You would think it would stop being so hard on a person and so unsettling as we get older, and yet I still never expect it and feel very confused and frustrated when it happens.

I have heard that other women have experienced this too. Scenario goes something like this:

1. Guy and woman meet or start talking.
2. Good exchange of ideas and conversation. Seems like a nice easy pace, fun, having a good time. Woman isn't rushing it or speeding it along, just keeping up with guy's pace.
3. Guy increases the frequency and length of communication (in my cases, it has been guys that contact me every day, stay on the phone for hours sometimes, sometimes call numerous times a day, text frequently and respond very quickly, having time to call me at lunch, etc.)
4. Guy shares more intimate information and thoughts - shows vulnerability.
5. Guy starts sending messages (or talking) listing all things he really likes about woman or saying things like "I think about you all the time" or "I miss you" or "I like you - A LOT!"
6. Guy starts using nicknames like "babe" or "honey" or "sweetie" or some other pet name when talking and messaging woman.
7. At this point, woman, who thinks it is safe to like the guy back, lets down her guard on her emotions and trust a bit. She may or may not say anything yet, but likely she will share that she likes the guy too.

8. All of a sudden guy doesn't behave the same way any longer. He doesn't poof, but he doesn't call or message as often. (that alone isn't a big deal since the woman wasn't asking or requiring that level of contact, but rather that it literally changes overnight). He takes longer to respond than before. More importantly, his tone and words aren't the same as before.

9. Woman doesn't know what the hell is going on. Does he not feel those things anymore? Here she is starting to feel something and if this guy is going to withdraw and run away or be weird, well, she wants to put a stop to feeling anything right now! Woman hates to make a rash decision and just cut the guy off, but doesn't want to get hurt, and also knows that any attempts to ask about the change in behavior will be labeled by guy as "drama" or "overly emotional" or "clingy." Woman isn't and doesn't want to be any of those things. Some people advise she is panicking for no reason just because the guy hasn't called in days. Others agree something is amiss. She just wants to understand what happened and if the change in behavior means a change in feelings so she doesn't let herself get too involved (or just move on).

Anyone want to take a stab at helping me understand why this behavior occurs, and what it means?

I am seriously thinking right about calling my latest to do this and telling him he needs to man up and be honest or hit the road.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #2  June 30,2010, 4:52pm

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apparently it's so you will just text him and say that 'drinks are okay' and he won't have to buy you dinner after getting you wrapped around his finger.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #3  June 30,2010, 4:52pm
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Yeah.. my experienceis similar with women (this is not a male-exclusive trait). So I consider it more of a personality-type trait.

And that is exactly as you describe - the people that seem to come along a bit quickly and strongly and get caught up in the new relationship real fast.... and then suddenly and without logic or explanation ~ go cold real fast.

There could be a million explanations for it. Maybe they are the type where it's the thrill of the hunt, rather than the kill they enjoy. Maybe they are people that play the numbers and do this with tons of folks simultaneously and see what comes thru the cracks for them to select from. Maybe they are just in it for an ego stroke and just want to know they can make people want them (when they dont' want the other person back in reality).

The other part i don't necessarily know what to say is ~ "why does it seem I am attracting only these type of people?" The answer is that for some reason these people are picking up somethign about us that tells them they will be successful with us. What that "thing" is I have yet to figure out completely yet.

So all i can say about that part is... do your best to figure out what it is that they might be picking up about you, and handle accordingly. If nothing else, try changing your routine, change what you look for that attracts you, just try something different... and see if the results change.

I hear a lot, "why aren't there any good men/women out there anymore?" The reality is, there are plenty. WE all just keep chasing teh bad ones for some reason (they're more "exciting"? they're harder to get so it seems like we've gotten something more worthwhile?"). One of these days all us good apples are going to realize we need to just pick the other good apples instead and give it a shot...

(you know.. all those "nice guys" that are always there for you that you consider a terrific friend but for whatever reason you come up with.. never think of dating them? those are the good apples.).

Richey
 
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amused_n_confused is offline amused_n_confused Post #4  June 30,2010, 4:54pm
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I think it could be one of two things.

1) The guy is only in it for the "challenge." Once he knows he has you hooked, you are no longer as interesting.

2) The guy is trying very hard to engage you. Once you have been engaged, he stops trying as hard and becomes more himself.

Of the 2, of course the latter isn't too bad. If he is still treating you well, but just isn't calling you as much, then you have to decide at this stage whether or not it is important for you to have a guy calling you all the time. If it is, then this guy might not be the guy for you.
 
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ThePriestess is offline ThePriestess Post #5  June 30,2010, 4:58pm
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amused_n_confused wrote :
I think it could be one of two things.
There are more.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #6  June 30,2010, 4:59pm
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In my view, men think they need to "come on strong" to either get a woman's attention, or break through the clutter of all the other men (they beleive) are pursuing her.

Then, they back down to something sustainable.

I don't think it's a good idea myself, and I try not to do it, but just think of all the newbie posts "he was so great, calling me every day and taking me out, then nothing. What happened?"

Guys know what women find "great," and may make this unhealthy, unsustainable effort, but can't keep it up.

My recommendation is not to validate it when it starts, and keep your own pace stable.
 
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TXButtercup is offline TXButtercup Post #7  June 30,2010, 5:05pm
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richey wrote :
I hear a lot, "why aren't there any good men/women out there anymore?" The reality is, there are plenty. WE all just keep chasing teh bad ones for some reason (they're more "exciting"? they're harder to get so it seems like we've gotten something more worthwhile?"). One of these days all us good apples are going to realize we need to just pick the other good apples instead and give it a shot...

(you know.. all those "nice guys" that are always there for you that you consider a terrific friend but for whatever reason you come up with.. never think of dating them? those are the good apples.).

Richey
Thanks Richey. I had never heard of a man having this same experience before, so enlightening. Not encouraging mind you, but still of interest to a curious mind as mine.

I do try to think about what is the signal I must be sending out to attract these types that *seem* like a good guy but then end up acting....well....I still don't know.

In my case, I haven't been the one to chase these guys. In fact (and partially because they are communicating so much I don't have a chance to), they initiate just about everything. And by the time I start to like them back (at least enough to want to still explore where it is going), they are pulling back and I don't know what to do.

I don't know if they just couldn't keep up that pace, and so I should just let things be and see what the new pace is going to be.

Or if it is a test to see if I will start initiating.

Or a test to see if will call bs on the behavior (has occurred to me this is a possibility with the latest guy - he seems like a tester).

Or if they lost interest (if so, would be nice to know and know why) and so I should put a quick end to it and move on and save myself additional hurt.

I haven't turned away any good guys and I certainly don't go looking for the bad ones. The problem is that they just refuse to wear signs around their neck letting me know which is which and some of them are pretty good actors I guess.
Last edited by TXButtercup; June 30,2010 at 5:15pm.
 
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dazedconfuzed is offline dazedconfuzed Post #8  June 30,2010, 5:06pm
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This seems an all too common occurrence. I can't even count the number of times it has happened to me. I seem to be a magnet for it. And now I read a heart-wrenching post about this happening to someone just recently, but it went so far as to become intimate, then he starts to disappear.

It's such a sad state of things.
Why can't people just be real and honest... *rhetorical question.
 
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TXButtercup is offline TXButtercup Post #9  June 30,2010, 5:11pm
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D_Lion wrote :
In my view, men think they need to "come on strong" to either get a woman's attention, or break through the clutter of all the other men (they beleive) are pursuing her.

Then, they back down to something sustainable.

I don't think it's a good idea myself, and I try not to do it, but just think of all the newbie posts "he was so great, calling me every day and taking me out, then nothing. What happened?"

Guys know what women find "great," and may make this unhealthy, unsustainable effort, but can't keep it up.

My recommendation is not to validate it when it starts, and keep your own pace stable.
I have often wished they had just kept an even pace - something they can really maintain - since I am trying to get to know who the person really is and how he normally behaves. It would seem like a better way for us to see where it could go.

So, you are suggesting that I tell them to quit calling me so much, don't text me often, don't tell me all the things you like about me?

Okay, I am only half playing. I know that men need some validation they are headed in the right direction, so can you think of a good way to slow them down without it being one of those cases that shows up on these boards where the guys says "she says she wants to slow things down - does that mean I should just give up on her" ?
 
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TXButtercup is offline TXButtercup Post #10  June 30,2010, 5:11pm
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ThePriestess wrote :
There are more.
Yeah, I can think of more too - care to elaborate?
 
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