He is PERFECT for me, But How Can I make This Work?....


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JessiesGirl is offline JessiesGirl Post #1  June 30,2010, 1:09am
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Why does this happen to me?

The men that I have the most amazing chemistry with, the relationships seem to go nowhere.

I have just met this man, and he is everything I would desire. Except in the physical department. I love that he is taller than me, (big plus!) but he is overweight, and just doesnt physically appeal to me.

But we get along really well, I feel like I can talk to him about anything, he is very kind, considerate, romantic, and likes me. Tells me I am gorgeous, and we share common interests (which my interests are not that common, so this is not easy to find in a potential mate)

We have been on 5 dates together, but i just can't seem to feel that strong chemistry that I want. BUT i know that he is good for me, long term,a nd I am looking for a long term relatlionship. He is ready to settle down. Everything is perfect, just the physical stuff not so much. We haven't slept together yet, but I know that is going to happen soon. And he seems very knowledgeable in bed, another plus.

Can I make this work?\
Do you think it's essential to be attracted physically? I do love that he is tall. It would be very difficult for me to date a man shorter than me.

Can long term relationships, that don't have that chemistry/strong physical attraction work? I know on his side, he is attracted to me physically....

Or should I just let it go.....

I tell ya though, that the attractive/chemistry guys,only seem to want one thing, or be a LOT of trouble to maintain a long term relationshp. so far that has been my experience

it is very important for me to feel strongly 'connected' to my partner. the last guy I met (from eharmony) we had that huge connection immediately we saw each other. but he had obsessive, controlling issues.

this man, i don't feel that strong 'connection' yet.

Help please

Thank you.
 
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JessiesGirl is offline JessiesGirl Post #2  June 30,2010, 1:14am
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P.S. He is working hard on shedding the pounds. I saw some pics of him before he put on all the weight (about a year ago), and he was HOT!!

No kidding he looked just like brad pitt !!
 
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TrekRyder10 is offline TrekRyder10 Post #3  June 30,2010, 3:02am
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JessiesGirl wrote :
Why does this happen to me?
The men that I have the most amazing chemistry with, the relationships seem to go nowhere.
It could be your definition of chemistry is mixed up, everyone has a different definition of what that is though.

IMO-
A level of chemistry is what you have with Mr. overweight Brad Pitt. (beginning of the friends zone)

-Physical attraction (only) is what you have with those men that seem to go nowhere! Physical attraction sometimes blocks us from seeing that there is no real connection there.

-Chemistry is when both are rolled into one!

wrote :
this man, i don't feel that strong 'connection' yet.
 IDK.. your post is confusing to me, you don't feel that strong connection, Yet you know that sleeping together is coming soon? He is "perfect" for you but you question your over all attraction.

(enter cliche') looks fade, if he was in shape today & 5 years down the road gained some weight, would you dump him then?

Chemistry it's either there or it's not. I don't believe it can be built over time.

Just curious what's the age difference here?

Also to answer your question "can I make this work?" I think you can, but it depends if the attraction is something you need for yourself, or if you are afraid of what others see/think?
Last edited by TrekRyder10; June 30,2010 at 3:48am. Reason: Been awhile.. ETA
 
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2clueless is offline 2clueless Post #4  June 30,2010, 3:17am
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Sleeping with him is not inevitable. It's a choice. I wouldn't do it (at this age/stage) if I weren't physically attracted and couldn't relish (as versus just tolerate) the physical part as much as the emotional/mental.

This is where you have to take a hard look inside. I tend to like unconventional looking people. It may be something small like super curly eyelashes, or something visceral like his colonge lingering on his neck and his confident walk; or something physical that I can appreciate like his forearms or calves but there has to be something that lights my physical fire about someone--outside of their personality--or else we are not a match. Sometimes this type of chemistry can be generated in the medium term but it has to show up sooner rather than later or else I'm gone. How do you feel when you look into his eyes?

Generally, I'd say you should try to accept someone how they are right now. If you can't accept him right now, it's unfair to both parties.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #5  June 30,2010, 3:25am
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JessiesGirl wrote :
Do you think it's essential to be attracted physically?

Can long term relationships, that don't have that chemistry/strong physical attraction work?
I would love to say, "no, it's not essential" and, "yes, it can work" ...but, sadly, we don't live in that fantasy world.

There is an article - and subsequent member comments - recently posted about "physical attraction" you should read ...not sure it will help in your situation, but might give you some food for thought.

Honestly, in my opinion, I think both people involved in an intimate, romantic relationship *should* be physically attracted to each other; otherwise, you can never hope to have a healthy, equitable situation. As long as he 'likes' you more than you can realistically say you 'like' him, that places him at a severe disadvantage to you ...good for you, bad for him.

I'm curious, though ...what's your plan here? ...force yourself to have sex with him? How long do you think that's going to last until you begin to get resentful about that? Will you be able to resist temptation if something better comes along? ...doubtful, I'd say.

What you have described here is a 'friend' and, based on what you've said here, I see no reason to continue beyond that ...there's no future there for you ...or for him.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  June 30,2010, 3:32am
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Hmm...I have to admit that I'm equally confused with your post. To me not having chemistry means that I could never kiss the guy or sleep with him. The idea is repulsive and so lack of chemistry is an absolute deal breaker. In your case, you describe what sounds like a wonderful relationship and sleeping with him is on the menu. So what exactly is the problem? Perhaps it's something you need to think about and define more clearly to yourself as well.
 
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Lindac7 is offline Lindac7 Post #7  June 30,2010, 3:33am
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JessiesGirl,

Your question is already flawed.

You can't make this work. That's the short answer.

If you have to ask how you can make this work, then he isn't really perfect for you. That's the brutal honest truth.

It either works because you both like it and want it as is, or it doesn't because one of you can't accept something about the other.

Do you want to be spending the rest of your life trying to make this work? Don't take on a boyfriend as a project. It never works that way.

He may be working on losing weight right now, but it's likely only a matter of time before it'll start creeping up again, then you'll lose interest because you're not attracted to him physically.

My advice - DO NOT have sex with him unless and until you can honestly say to yourself that you love and accept him for all that he is right now, and maybe even with more weight on him than he currently has . . . because in all likelihood, he will weigh more some time down the road.

Granted, every relationship takes some compromising on both ends, but I believe too many people are willing to settle for someone who comes close to being what we really want, EXCEPT for that one thing . . . whatever it is, you'll be staring it in the face day in and day out. Don't try to make him into who you want him to be - that never works.

There's nothing wrong with keeping him as a friend.
 
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JessiesGirl is offline JessiesGirl Post #8  June 30,2010, 3:56am
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oh so so sad.
Its sooo unfair!
I jsut want a man that I can have chemistry with AND he also be a 'nice guy'.
This really sux!!

i do want to sleep wth him, and for reasons, I don't want to share here, i am quite curious what it will be like. he is experienced in a sexual art, that i have wanted to experience for ages, but never found anyone who knew or experienced it before!!
 
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JessiesGirl is offline JessiesGirl Post #9  June 30,2010, 4:03am
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TrekRyder10 wrote :
It could be your definition of chemistry is mixed up, everyone has a different definition of what that is though.

IMO-
A level of chemistry is what you have with Mr. overweight Brad Pitt. (beginning of the friends zone)

-Physical attraction (only) is what you have with those men that seem to go nowhere! Physical attraction sometimes blocks us from seeing that there is no real connection there.

-Chemistry is when both are rolled into one!

IDK.. your post is confusing to me, you don't feel that strong connection, Yet you know that sleeping together is coming soon? He is "perfect" for you but you question your over all attraction.

(enter cliche') looks fade, if he was in shape today & 5 years down the road gained some weight, would you dump him then?

Chemistry it's either there or it's not. I don't believe it can be built over time.

Just curious what's the age difference here?

Also to answer your question "can I make this work?" I think you can, but it depends if the attraction is something you need for yourself, or if you are afraid of what others see/think?
hi there

i couldn't care less what others think.

the age difference: he is 5 yrs older than me.
 
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Lindac7 is offline Lindac7 Post #10  June 30,2010, 4:27am
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JessiesGirl, some questions:

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

Also, do you realize that if you sleep with him you'll become emotionally bonded to him and then this issue will become even harder for you to navigate? Are you prepared to deal with that?

We all want someone who we have chemistry with and is also a nice guy - the combination is not easy to find. It takes time and a lot of dating, unless you just get super lucky early in life.
 
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