Girlfriend with some socialization issues


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daunrealone is offline daunrealone Post #1  June 28,2010, 3:15pm
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Hi all,
My girlfriend and I are 21 years old and we met on eHarmony in September '09 (~10 months) and absolutely love each other. I made a list of the attributes I would love to have in a girlfriend and she has fulfilled literally every one... however, we've recently run into a snag.

My family has apparently been holding back some opinions they have of her and now are expressing dislike. She is shy around people she doesn't know well and not good in groups. She is funny, intelligent, and witty with her close friends and myself but unfortunately not with my family. Admittedly, I've spent a disproportionate amount of time getting to know her parents very well and they've welcomed me wholeheartedly.

I confronted her with this and in a tear-drenched hour of realization, she agreed that she had been acting in a somewhat abrasive manner, albeit unintentionally, primarily because of her insecurities with meeting new people.

My main question is: since my family has a specific and significantly skewed opinion of her, would it be conceivable that they would be able to change if she is able to change? I value the opinion of my family and am aware that she has these issues but based on how my girlfriend is around me, I certainly don't think the issues are insurmountable, however, my family continually shoots me down when I have alluded to wanting this to be a long term relationship.

Expounding upon that, in your (the collective intelligence of responders ) opinion, what time frame would be realistic for potentially getting engaged? I know that now would certainly not be a good time because of my family's opinion of her, but assuming she is able to repair the opinion, at my age, would dating for, say, two years be "enough" to be considered socially acceptable? My family has had a history of early-life long term relationships which failed so I suspect I may be fighting an uphill battle but I can honestly say that eHarmony got this match perfect.

Thank you for your insight!
 
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TalkingTina is offline TalkingTina Post #2  June 28,2010, 3:27pm
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[quote=daunrealone;1024303] My family has had a history of early-life long term relationships which failed so I suspect I may be fighting an uphill battle but I can honestly say that eHarmony got this match perfect. [quote]

Based on this comment, your family's opinion shouldn't matter (nor should it matter if they are in superb long-term relationships). She can certainly be more at ease around them, but whether or not they decide to change their opinions of her shouldn't matter to you. You say eHarmony got it right and you are in love. All that matters is what you think.
 
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IcedKiwis is offline IcedKiwis Post #3  June 28,2010, 3:34pm
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Don't let the opinions of others affect your perception of a person because the most important and relevant opinion is your's.

You and your girlfriend love each other. That's great and while it's repectful to hear the advice your family has to say, it's your relationship; your family isn't dating this girl. Ultimately, how you feel towards your partner is the most important.

Furthermore, I think if you make this issue about your family's opinions a priority, your girlfriend might see it that you would put your parents first over her. Putting timelines on changing people doesn't feel very appealing. You're putting quite a bit of pressure on a girl that you've said is already shy. It's good that you both were open enough to discuss it; you should see if she changes, but I believe it would be a bad idea to even set a timeline in your head about this. Sounds a lot like an ultimatum or deadlines for class projects from college, ehh.

Getting enaged part is way out of my league since i've never reached that stage in a relationship but I'm quite certain someone will chip in for that.

sorry if I was harsh. I've seen 2 of my best friends who were perfect for each other get broken off because they let parental influence screw everything up.
 
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TalkingTina is offline TalkingTina Post #4  June 28,2010, 3:47pm
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I would also add that your girlfriend doesn't have to change to please your family. How she is around you and her friends is the real her. She may be different around your family because she senses their "displeasure" with her, for lack of a better word. If she were to be herself around them, as she is around you and her friends, and that didn't change their opinion, then there is nothing more she can do. She shouldn't have to change who she is to please anyone, not even you.

Again, if you both are happy in your relatioinship, that is all that matters.
Last edited by TalkingTina; June 28,2010 at 3:50pm.
 
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Johnnyguitarman is offline Johnnyguitarman Post #5  June 28,2010, 3:57pm
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Look up "Myers Briggs' and see if you can get everyone to do a free personality test. This will reveal which of the 16 types you all are and to which degree you all exhibit the various characteristics.

This will help you to understand the issues between people and maybe come to a solution.

It sounds like your girlfriend is certainly an introvert and possibly a thinker rather than feeler. This is fine, however, it is extroverts and feelers that warm to people much more quickly than i and t's. I would say give it some time. You clearly love your girlfriend and she loves you and you are committed to each other and she is everything you want in a girl. That is great! I wish that had happened to me when I was 21.

Stick with the relationship and realise that your family does not have to approve for it to work and to be long term. You are both 21 so can make those decisions for yourselves. Try gradual introduction of GF to family, little and often. Hopefully your GF will overcome her shyness and your family will see what a great girl she is and warm to her.
Good luck!
 
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Diann1950 is offline Diann1950 Post #6  June 28,2010, 4:00pm
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It sounds like the problem is more with your family than your girlfriend. Remember it would be common courtesy for them to make the extra effort to make her comfortable not the other way around. She is the new person coming into a situation with all kinds of hidden agendas and has every right to hold back a bit.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  June 28,2010, 4:20pm
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You should not be thinking about engagement until you figure out how to establish some healthy boundaries with your family regarding your relationships and not rely on your family opinions and manipulations.

Also, as some other posters already pointed out, it's not up to her to change her personality, it's up to your family to make a new person feel welcome and comfortable. The fact that they are not exactly doing that say a lot about them. The fact that you are confronting your gf and making her out to be the sole problem and the sole person responsible says something negative about you.

Also, often the way that the family sees or accepts a new person depends a whole lot on you and how you treat and respect her as well. When they are being negative toward her do you actually stand up for her and correct your family members or you do allow them to go at it and possibly even join in even if you don't quite realize you are doing it? The bottom line is that before you think about starting a family of your own, you need to learn to draw some healthy boundaries with your family members on what is and isn't acceptable from them. Any relationship where family members are allowed to meddle in a negative way is essentially doomed from the get go.
 
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IcedKiwis is offline IcedKiwis Post #8  June 28,2010, 4:20pm
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Johnnyguitarman wrote :
Look up "Myers Briggs' and see if you can get everyone to do a free personality test. This will reveal which of the 16 types you all are and to which degree you all exhibit the various characteristics.
Myers Briggs Test... a professor made my senior class take that test and then divided people into 2 groups based on the results of the test. Turns out 1 group (about 90% of the class) contained people with personality profiles that made good engineers and the other group were the people who she claimed did not have the personality it took to be an engineer in the working world. I was in group 2, and she was sooo wrong.

I think it's definitely an interesting tool to find out more about yourself but I wouldn't agree on using it to define how you match up to other people.

me~ISTP
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #9  June 28,2010, 5:05pm
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daunrealone wrote :

My family has apparently been holding back some opinions they have of her and now are expressing dislike. She is shy around people she doesn't know well and not good in groups. She is funny, intelligent, and witty with her close friends and myself but unfortunately not with my family. Admittedly, I've spent a disproportionate amount of time getting to know her parents very well and they've welcomed me wholeheartedly.

I confronted her with this and in a tear-drenched hour of realization, she agreed that she had been acting in a somewhat abrasive manner, albeit unintentionally, primarily because of her insecurities with meeting new people.


Expounding upon that, in your (the collective intelligence of responders ) opinion, what time frame would be realistic for potentially getting engaged?


You just gave me flashbacks to my ex.


This is a serious issue because on the surface this may be little but in terms of a marriage this could turn into something a lot worse.

How did you and her meet...if she is so antisocial then how did she meet you???

What this shyness could turn into is a battle of who sees who over the holidays when you are married. It will turn into a battle of control and you will acquiese to her because you love her and dont want to get into a fight..thus you wont see your family as much. Especially if you two live apart from each others family where one is across town and the other you have to fly to see.

My ex-wife was very antisocial where she behaved one way in public or with her friends and totally different when she was at home.

She could do the same to you where the personality you are in love with now could disappear to the one you see when at your parents.

I understand you made an effort to meet her parents..why didnt she make an effort to get to know your parents and family???

It sounds very selfish to me.....this selfishness can turn into other problems during a marriage of getting your own way and always fighting.

I can understand initial shyness the first time meeting..but this is 10 months...how often have you seen her parents/family vs yours????

Since you talked to her about it you can give her a chance to prove herself but until she does dont even think about a ring.....

Watch out to make sure she is honestly doing this and not just doing it to be nice to you.

I AM WARNING YOU....dont even think about a ring right now. Trust your siblings and family...they see things you are blind to.
 
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heisenberg is offline heisenberg Post #10  June 28,2010, 5:07pm
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daunrealone wrote :
what time frame would be realistic for potentially getting engaged
daunrealone wrote :
I know that now would certainly not be a good time because of my family's opinion of her, but assuming she is able to repair the opinion, at my age, would dating for, say, two years be "enough" to be considered socially acceptable? My family has had a history of early-life long term relationships which failed so I suspect I may be fighting an uphill battle but I can honestly say that eHarmony got this match perfect
The time frame for getting engaged is after you have matured enough to grow a spine and man up on behalf of your girlfriend.

No self respecting man who really cared for his girlfriend would even think about sitting her down for a talk about how his family does not like her and that he would like her to better conform to his family's expectations. This in a family with a history of failed relationships, that from the looks of this may continue to be perpetuated.

While she may be perfect for you, you appear to have some shortcomings such that you may not be so right for her. She will probably come to realize this soon enough, after the shock and disappointment of your recent revelations wears off, and this turns to her resenting you and your family.
 
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