Starting to lose confidence with this dating thing


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Amarok is offline Amarok Post #1  June 28,2010, 7:26am
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So I've been on a few dates with different people (obviously! ) and for some reason I'm not getting second dates. I dress appropriately, always greet them with a smile and a hug (they initiate that one). I ask them about themselves, (what I remember from their profile anyways), and just about them in general. Nothing pressing, just about their hobbies, work, 'safe' topics. I mean if they're not interested it's ok, I just tend to think if it's me and I dunno....I don't think I'm sending any type of signals. They always say the usual 'I'd like to see you again. I'll call you next week'

Sheesh. Makes me kinda want to hide in a hole or something!
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #2  June 28,2010, 7:32am
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Join the club. I rarely get a second date and thus far I have only had one girl say that she was not interested in seeing me again at the end of the first date.
 
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Amarok is offline Amarok Post #3  June 28,2010, 7:48am
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Wow really??? See, at least that last one was honest (I know it probably hurt like heck to hear it, but I would rather them do that then the other thing.) If I don't feel anything, I let them know gently as possible. That's only happened once though.

Let's hope we get out of this 'club' eventually with a great match! Yeesh...
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  June 28,2010, 8:40am
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What you describe is very normal with online dating and if you think about it, it kind of makes sense.

When you meet someone in real life, you've already established that the chemistry and physical attraction is there and you are trying to learn more about who they are as a person and if you would get along. So it may take more than a few dates for that.

However, online you first establish that you have some things in common and would generally get along, but the big unknown is whether there is any chemistry in real life. Unfortunately, most of the time it's not there at all or it's not mutual. The person may have a great time with you, they may think that you are attractive, but....if that extra factor is just not there, not much you can do about it. It's not you or even him for that matter. Chemistry is just not something you consciously control so don't let that get to you. Everyone is in the same boat.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #5  June 28,2010, 8:55am

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Have you ever been on a job interview that you are more than qualified for, a job you would be perfect for? There is no reason you couldn't make a career there that would be perfect for you and the employer. They then say they will get back to you. You know it is because they have a stack of applications to go through and even though you are perfect there may be someone better they can get for the same salary? Then you never hear from them again.

Online dating is the same thing. Very romantic.
 
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Amarok is offline Amarok Post #6  June 28,2010, 8:59am
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Oh wow! I like that analogy! Hahahaha! Yeah, I guess you could consider it a 'mate' application. Still painful to go through all that stuff though. But I guess we all need to enjoy the ride (joy). And I get motion sickness!!!
 
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Antalicus is offline Antalicus Post #7  June 28,2010, 9:01am
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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
Have you ever been on a job interview that you are more than qualified for, a job you would be perfect for? There is no reason you couldn't make a career there that would be perfect for you and the employer. They then say they will get back to you. You know it is because they have a stack of applications to go through and even though you are perfect there may be someone better they can get for the same salary? Then you never hear from them again.

Online dating is the same thing. Very romantic.
You are right and it sucks that it has to be that way. The most you can do is make it clear that you are interested in them and want to see them again, because when they sort through their stack, you being interested is a big defining factor of their choice.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #8  June 28,2010, 9:20am

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I would explain the countless threads about how long to wait before making a follow up call and thank you letter(email).
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #9  June 28,2010, 9:32am
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Amarok wrote :
So I've been on a few dates with different people (obviously! ) and for some reason I'm not getting second dates. I dress appropriately, always greet them with a smile and a hug (they initiate that one). I ask them about themselves, (what I remember from their profile anyways), and just about them in general. Nothing pressing, just about their hobbies, work, 'safe' topics. I mean if they're not interested it's ok, I just tend to think if it's me and I dunno....I don't think I'm sending any type of signals. They always say the usual 'I'd like to see you again. I'll call you next week'

Sheesh. Makes me kinda want to hide in a hole or something!
Maybe you need to think about what kinds of things you can do to make your dates seem like more fun or make them more connecting if they're not working out. I mean given the situation of online dating, I think it could well be your enthusiasm may be waning a bit and rubbing off on subsequent dates?

I can't tell from your post what you might or might not be doing but here are some random ideas to start the thinking.

I would say don't be afraid to initiate the hug if you can do it comfortably and they don't seem too standoffish. It will make you seem warm and generous and it will help break the ice immediately.

Do make at least a few compliments during the evening Ie, the venue he chose, for example.

Make sure to show enthusiasm for being there, and for life in general. Be ready to show you care about something, whatever it is.

Have some subjects to talk about in mind, so you don't freeze up. Preferably things he would be interested in. It could be something you saw in his profile.

Kind of make a little game of the evening maybe. Try to learn at least three things about him you didn't know? Ie, like one thing you have in common, things like that, you can even tell him that you'd like to do that and make it into kind of a game. But don't turn it into an interview. Keep it light and fun.

Be careful too of tiny data points that can seem more negative than they really are and don't reveal them right away. Be careful of making complaints on a first date. They can sound way more princessy and negative than you mean them to be.

Talking about your ex is a common land mine. So come up with some really short version that doesn't get into any details and be ready to change the subject if the conversation starts to dwell there. Like, I don't really want to talk about him, I want to talk about you. And smile at him when you say it of course.

OK just some things off the top of my head?

Might help if you described a date in more detail. Maybe we could spot some things you're not thinking of.
Last edited by nightling; June 28,2010 at 9:35am.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #10  June 28,2010, 11:44am
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The meeting is like a job interview so people will find some odd reasons for not liking you.

Another factor in play is that some of the online people through dating sites are looking for that 110% dream catch with everything they want so they find little faults in a person and then decide they dont want to pursue them.

One time I had a first meeting with a woman and everrything went really well, we really connected. At the end of the date we actually kissed (dont usually expect that on a first meeting). Then planned for a second date only to have her cancel and not bother to suggest another time. I have no idea why....maybe I broke some silly ryle by calling her before 72 hrs had passed...i dont know.

Also as part of things with dating sites...you arent the only one they are talking to nor having dates with.

So she could have not been interested in you or she was dating someone she just liked more than you for whatever reason.
 
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