pixelwire is offline pixelwire Post #1  June 27,2010, 2:14pm
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I've been dating a man for about 3 months now and things have been going quite well. He's a smoker and drinks fairly often, especially in social situations. He's a social person and has a large group of friends, most of which he's known for years. On the other hand, I do not smoke and do not drink much. I have been a loner and am happy with that, but don't mind engaging socially with his friends.

However, all of his friends are smokers and somewhat heavy drinkers. I don't feel comfortable when going out with his friends (which he does often) and they are all puffing several cigarettes and I'm having to inhale the smoke. I don't really mind the drinking because I can always pass and just have water or whatnot. The smoking is the main problem. The second is me feeling a bit left out of conversation because they've all known each other for so long. They are polite to fill me in on some things though, but I end up feeling like a third wheel.

I can see it being a bigger problem later down the road if I were to constantly blow off hanging out with him and his friends. Would I be too picky to leave for these reasons or should I find a way to compromise and risk interrupting ritual between him and his friends?
Last edited by pixelwire; June 27,2010 at 2:17pm.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #2  June 27,2010, 2:25pm
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For me...a preequiste to any dating is her being a non-smoker.

You ending this because of his smoking and drinking is a reasonable reason to end the relationship.

You have to look long term and say can you live this lifestyle over the long haul...I think the answer is no.

You need to tell him that...maybe that will change him...I dont know.

The heavy drinking is the associated behavioer because bars are one of the few places you can smoke.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  June 27,2010, 2:29pm
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I would not accept a smoker either, and would not spend time with one, or permit others to smoke in our presence. With this, if it was only your partner, you might lean on him to quit (since most people seem to want to anyway.) Given that it is a large group, I see your choice as either leaving the relationship, or not socializing.

Drinking to excess is largely the same choice.

That you do not know the people is a problem that would correct itself in time, so that would not concern me much.

Still, this is a behavorial / lifestyle difference which is substantial. I do not think you are likely to be content with this partner.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #4  June 27,2010, 2:35pm
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pixelwire wrote :
The smoking is the main problem. The second is me feeling a bit left out of conversation because they've all known each other for so long. They are polite to fill me in on some things though, but I end up feeling like a third wheel.

I can see it being a bigger problem later down the road if I were to constantly blow off hanging out with him and his friends. Would I be too picky to leave for these reasons or should I find a way to compromise and risk interrupting ritual between him and his friends?
he smokes.....his friends also smoke...so you're basically asking him to stop hanging around with people that smoke to please you?
I don't see that happening myself.
Let's be real, you're dating a smoker.
What did you think would most likely happen??


As far as him knowing people better because he's known them longer than you....that kind of goes with the territory of dating anyone new, doesn't it?
 
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howardtheduck is offline howardtheduck Post #5  June 27,2010, 6:34pm
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Have you talked about it? Now that you are basically asking him to stop hanging out with his friends? This is volatile territory here... I would never put up with being who can and cannot be my friend at my age - my girlfriend is not my mom, and I am not 10...
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #6  June 27,2010, 9:01pm
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You were not finicky enough to begin with.
Why start now?
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #7  June 27,2010, 10:52pm
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I would personally be flexible on this.

How often are you in direct contact of smoke due to this relationship?

I have been around people that smoke & they typically will try to minimize its effects on those around them.

Also, you can't smoke in any public place in my state so I would only have to deal with it in private homes. It really isn't much of problem when we are hanging out outside.

So here I would only have to deal with that during bad weather where people did not want to go outside to smoke.

Is it really something that you will have to deal with often?
 
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richey is offline richey Post #8  June 28,2010, 2:13am
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It is true, there are a lot of people who consider smoking a deal-breaker (mostly non-smokers - go figure!). So it defintiely would not be UNCOMMON for you to leave because of this (although I believe there are more things than that really bugging you).

So just my thoughts if you wanted to try and handle this:

1. you're playing with fire (literally and figuratively) if you are suggesting you want to try and make him or his friends stop smoking. But perhaps compromise is in order ~ like... every other time you all go out as a group, you alternate places with and without smoking. OR... you go to a place and they smoke away from you (like a 5 min break from work).

2. You definitely will want to talk to him that since you are not a smoker, the smoke makes you feel a bit uncomfortable (all smokers underestand non-smokers aren't as used to smoke as we are) and ask him for his ideas on how you guys can handle that while you all are out together. Is it possible to alternate between smoking/non-0smomking venues? Is it acceptable to ask they smoke outside and not around you? Or maybe you only go every other time so you're not always subjected to it? Just HIS ideas for some compromise.

as a smoker (trying to quit again.. this is day 6 of no cigarettes for me), smoking is not something you can just start/stop because you want to. It's been the toughest thing to deal with (trying to kick the habit) and I really WANT TO STOP!

I only say this to say... if he's worth it, please have patience on the smoking thing. If he's a good one, he will understand your discomfort with the smoking and try to accomodate you half way somehow.

Good luck.
Richey
 
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richey is offline richey Post #9  June 28,2010, 2:13am
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sorry.. double-posted again.
 
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