How do you date more than one person?


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morningsunlight is offline morningsunlight Post #1  June 27,2010, 6:22am
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I read over the boards that people date multiple people and then eventually decide with which one to be exclusive.

I have no experience in this and am curious how people deal with that.
If you have multiple people, how do your dates go?
Is it different from a friendship?
Is it more like a romantic date?
Then, how much?

I wouldn't kiss at least until the second or third date. I also wouldn't kiss multiple people at the same time period.

Do you share the fact that you are meeting other dates? If so, how much? Do you reveal your dating schedule packed with the other dates?

Just an example,

A good male friend of mine was dating a lady who had multiple dates. She was pretty open to him about her schedule with other dates. He was like "This is how this city is like and you have to accept the situation." Yet, my friend did not date with other ladies, but just one lady because this was what he was. They dated for a while. I do not know if they had ever reached the exclusive stage. But she broke up abruptly.

As an outsider, there seems to have been some trust issues there. I also would be extremely hesitant to get involved romantically with another person, given the knowledge that your date is meeting other people as well.
 
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Lilycat is offline Lilycat Post #2  June 27,2010, 6:57am
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When dating multiple people, just don't get ahead of yourself. These are early dates, just to meet people and see who you get along better/the best with. Some you will be comfortable with, others not so much, and eventually you will find someone intriguing enough to you that you will not be interested in dating others for a bit....... maybe permanently.

A date may lead to a marriage ultimately, but do not mistake it for a marriage proposal lol...... or a proposal of anything beyond an enjoyable time out together.

No this approach is not evil, manipulative or any of the BS that gets spewed here on the subject at times - to me its just normal.

Wouldn't sleep with any of them if you know what I mean, until you are both into going further - Nanette (and a number of others here, she is just the first who sprang to mind) has some really good attitudes toward this type of thing, her posts are worth a read.

Only you can decide what you can handle - some people find this approach confusing, others have no problem doing it. You need to decide which is right for you, but be prepared that people you are meeting may be doing any of the above. That would be their approach, and yours can be totally different, and things can still be good.

You set your own boundaries based on what is good to you, and unless and until you are in or approaching a more committed relationship with one person, theirs are their own business.

Life is not black and white (although that would be easier) it is a million shades of grey.....

JMHO

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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #3  June 27,2010, 7:08am
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morningsunlight wrote :
I wouldn't kiss at least until the second or third date. I also wouldn't kiss multiple people at the same time period.
Honestly, if you are unable or unwilling to be even remotely intimate with multiple dating prospects (PDA, kissing, possibly even 'making out' - whatever that means to you), you likely won't do well in the multiple dating arena for very long.

morningsunlight wrote :
Do you share the fact that you are meeting other dates? If so, how much? Do you reveal your dating schedule packed with the other dates?
As a general rule, no ...none at all, if possible ...and no. It is assumed by most in the dating world that, until the topic of exclusivity comes up, each of you are willing and able to date others ...it's not something that you talk about as this will likely backfire on you making it appear as though you are inciting competition and drama.

For some, this opens an ethical dilemma of 'hiding' or having 'secrets' - i.e. not being completely honest with those they are dating - and if this is a concern for you, you again likely not do well in the multiple dating arena for very long.
wrote :
A good male friend of mine was dating a lady who had multiple dates. She was pretty open to him about her schedule with other dates. He was like "This is how this city is like and you have to accept the situation." Yet, my friend did not date with other ladies, but just one lady because this was what he was. They dated for a while. I do not know if they had ever reached the exclusive stage. But she broke up abruptly.
It was uncouth of her to be sharing with him her extracurricular dating activities, for certain - if I were him, I would've put a kitzbah on that pretty quickly - but *shrug* ...it happens ...and, as your friend stated, you have to accept multi-dating as the 'assumed' situation.

His mistake, if you can call it that, was 'putting all of his eggs' in that one basket. He should've been dating others as well (or, at least, looking to date others, continuing to create opportunities or being open to ones that present themselves).

This happens fairly often with people who aren't really 'multi-daters' though ...they meet one person and they want to take that one 'relationship' to the end of it's foregone conclusion before seeking another. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that, provided you don't assume the person you are dating is doing the same thing (which he would have had no reason to believe any ways since she was sharing with him all the gory details).

Honestly, it's not a particularly pretty dating world out there, especially online dating. You will almost certainly need to grow a very thick skin to overcome some of the tribulations that will ensue (being ignored, deleted/closed without any reason, being 'poofed' on, the rebounders, the married people, etc).

Sadly, the sheer ease of posting a dating profile and concept of internet anonymosity hasn't proven to be a boon or benefit to the dating market.
 
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morningsunlight is offline morningsunlight Post #4  June 27,2010, 7:34am
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I would start as platonic friends. There's no problem in meeting multiple platonic friends.
But the problem here may be that as long as you keep seeing him as a friend, we may settle just as friends.

I was actually wondering what kind of dates my friend was having with her when the other guys were still on the list. I cannot picture him proceeding romantically until she drops all the list. He was looking for marriage and trying to ensure commonality in values. But this may be difficult to ascertain until they develop a dating relationship. After all, you won't talk about dreams about family with your "friend."
 
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morningsunlight is offline morningsunlight Post #5  June 27,2010, 7:45am
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BikerBeagle wrote :
As a general rule, no ...none at all, if possible ...and no. It is assumed by most in the dating world that, until the topic of exclusivity comes up, each of you are willing and able to date others ...it's not something that you talk about as this will likely backfire on you making it appear as though you are inciting competition and drama.

For some, this opens an ethical dilemma of 'hiding' or having 'secrets' - i.e. not being completely honest with those they are dating - and if this is a concern for you, you again likely not do well in the multiple dating arena for very long.
It was uncouth of her to be sharing with him her extracurricular dating activities, for certain - if I were him, I would've put a kitzbah on that pretty quickly - but *shrug* ...it happens ...and, as your friend stated, you have to accept multi-dating as the 'assumed' situation.
I am wondering the issue of honesty here.

There was a whole discussion on the other thread about little lies. The tone there was that little white lies are still lies and few little white lies are acceptable.

But to me, concealing the fact that you have other dates seem like a big lie unless the other persons share the assumption that they are doing the same thing.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #6  June 27,2010, 7:55am
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morningsunlight wrote :
I would start as platonic friends. There's no problem in meeting multiple platonic friends.
But the problem here may be that as long as you keep seeing him as a friend, we may settle just as friends.
On the subject of "friends", read my posts in this thread: http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...ml#post1021115 (no sex no friend)

I don't know how to explain it any plainer than that.
 
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VB_Girl is offline VB_Girl Post #7  June 27,2010, 8:42am
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morningsunlight wrote :
I am wondering the issue of honesty here.

There was a whole discussion on the other thread about little lies. The tone there was that little white lies are still lies and few little white lies are acceptable.

But to me, concealing the fact that you have other dates seem like a big lie unless the other persons share the assumption that they are doing the same thing.
I wouldn't volunteer the information. If the other person doesn't ask, you are not being dishonest, just living your life.

If they ask you out and you have another date set up for that time, say you already have plans. Again don't volunteer that it is a date with someone else, it's none of their business what you are doing.

If on the other hand they ask if you are dating other people, don't lie about it. Most people won't ask until they are ready to get more serious.

Also, you shouldn't be on a dating site to meet platonic friends. The other person is on a dating site to date, not make friends. Just my opinion.
 
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howardtheduck is offline howardtheduck Post #8  June 27,2010, 8:45am
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #9  June 27,2010, 8:49am
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morning, this is more a "don't ask don't tell" situation. I don't ask my dates if they are seeing anyone else. They don't ask me, generally. Until we get past a date or two there is no point expecting him to only be dating me. Same from him. If he does ask me, assuming he is asking because he wants to be exclusive and not just nosy, then I will tell him.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #10  June 27,2010, 9:12am
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With online dating, you're basically meeting a complete stranger. To me, I'd not be comfortable with any kind of intimacy like kissing them right off the bat. A hug would be OK.

In my experience so far, the few men who have asked me about this turned out to be stalkerish and controlling. I think for myself to ask him about this would seem needy, insecure and a little bit demanding.

The thing is neither of us has any way to know if we'll even want to date with each other without meeting a few times, so any expectation of exclusivity at that point is totally out of line. Most people seem to get that.

Once mutual interest is clear and established, then I think is the time to discuss it. If you've already put your eggs in the basket, it can be hard to give the other person the space to decide they also want to put their eggs in your basket, but that's the respectful and correct choice. You want them to choose you above all others freely, not be cajoled or pressured into it.

So I think the only time I would discuss the matter early on in the dating is if I saw signs that they were getting too far out ahead of the process and assuming exclusivity before I've even decided I like them. I would say something at that point, to make sure they're keeping their expectations in line with reality.
Last edited by nightling; June 27,2010 at 9:14am.
 
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