No BF for 2.5 years...why??? PhD?


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metjodes is offline metjodes Post #1  June 27,2010, 5:16am
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Dear All,

I've been *truly* single for 2.5 years now. I've done the online dating thing several times over, dated men I've met from all sorts of places (bars, via friends, etc.), I've taken dating breaks, etc. I have yet to been out with a man more than 3-4 times...I'm seriously starting to think it's me...it has to be.

I'm 31, well-established, attractive (or so I think!), fun, all that good stuff. At one point I thought maybe it's because I'm about to get my PhD, which is intimidating to some men. I'm very conscious of how I portray myself so that I'm not intimidating. I'm also tall and "curvy" -- I get a lot of attention from men, all the kind of attention that I don't want! I wonder if that has anything to do with it. I really would like to settle down and have kids (I'm feeling the pressure, but I make sure not to radiate this pressure on dates). Most men that I date can't understand why I'm still single, and then it never goes anywhere...

I'm losing motivation at this point. I just don't get it, and I'm about to give up and adopt like 10 cats, seriously.

Any thoughts or words of encouragement are appreciated!
 
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frontline is offline frontline Post #2  June 27,2010, 5:43am
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metjodes wrote :
Dear All,

I've been *truly* single for 2.5 years now. I've done the online dating thing several times over, dated men I've met from all sorts of places (bars, via friends, etc.), I've taken dating breaks, etc. I have yet to been out with a man more than 3-4 times...I'm seriously starting to think it's me...it has to be.

I'm 31, well-established, attractive (or so I think!), fun, all that good stuff. At one point I thought maybe it's because I'm about to get my PhD, which is intimidating to some men. I'm very conscious of how I portray myself so that I'm not intimidating. I'm also tall and "curvy" -- I get a lot of attention from men, all the kind of attention that I don't want! I wonder if that has anything to do with it. I really would like to settle down and have kids (I'm feeling the pressure, but I make sure not to radiate this pressure on dates). Most men that I date can't understand why I'm still single, and then it never goes anywhere...

I'm losing motivation at this point. I just don't get it, and I'm about to give up and adopt like 10 cats, seriously.

Any thoughts or words of encouragement are appreciated!
first of all congrats on the phd

I can't speak for every guy but i like educated women, my ex finished her doctorate a few months ago i went out with her and some friends for a celebration night.

My thought, and mind you i am grasping for straws and going off my own experience is the stress from all the classes that is what ended it for me and my now friend, she was under a Lot of stress over the years from all the school and it Really will change the way you behave even if you don't notice it. she's now married and moved to another state, she recently called to apologize about how she acted, moral of the story is be mindful of how you let stress affect you.

you might want to pay attention to your conversations, the wrong phrase at the wrong time Will make a guy run for the door, i wouldn't talk about the future too much early on and so on.

some guys might be intimidated by a successful woman personally i think they are just being babies. Me? i just won't date doctors any more
 
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heisenberg is offline heisenberg Post #3  June 27,2010, 6:05am
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For many guys with at least bachelors degrees, a PhD is an and of itself not a big deal, or especially intimidating. However some degrees may be more a more intimidating than others, for example a PhD in Engineering or high tech discipline. One in liberal arts, languages, or education not nearly as much. But then it ultimately boils down to how you present yourself in the context of your degree.

Beyond this is that your pending degree will open you up to relocating in the near future, unless there are jobs available for you in your discipline in your local area.

2.5 years is not that long of a run with limited dating success, as many here may be inclined to admit.

There may be a whole lot of reasons beyond the PhD thing. Your stated aversion to guys wanting to date you "for the wrong reasons" on some levels may be sending a subtle or even overt message to your dates about sex that may make them not pursue dating you beyond the second or third date.
Last edited by heisenberg; June 27,2010 at 6:13am.
 
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metjodes is offline metjodes Post #4  June 27,2010, 6:11am
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Thanks! You both made great points. I do lead a stressful life and I work a lot, which could make me appear "unavailable." I suppose I should make it known that I'm willing to share my time with the right person.

fyi -- My PhD is in Statistics =( So yes, it's super technical...
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #5  June 27,2010, 6:33am
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As a general rule, I don't subscribe to the "I'm single because men are intimidated by my success and independence" excuse ...sorry.

It's more likely, in my unintimidatedable guy mind, that successful and independent women are crippling themselves ...by not 'allowing' themselves to appear available or interested (after all, that's way to close to showing weakness) ...or by having higher than 'normal' expectations about who they are willing to date (I'm better than most women, so I deserve 'better than most' men).

I obviously can't say for sure, I'm just saying ...
 
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hankscorpio is offline hankscorpio Post #6  June 27,2010, 7:20am

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BikerBeagle wrote :
As a general rule, I don't subscribe to the "I'm single because men are intimidated by my success and independence" excuse ...sorry.

It's more likely, in my unintimidatedable guy mind, that successful and independent women are crippling themselves ...by not 'allowing' themselves to appear available or interested (after all, that's way to close to showing weakness) ...or by having higher than 'normal' expectations about who they are willing to date (I'm better than most women, so I deserve 'better than most' men).

I obviously can't say for sure, I'm just saying ...
Just from observation on this forum I'd agree with you.

I don't know many women. I definitely don't know many women with doctorate degrees. (I'm not sure I even know any at all)

However, I have definitely noticed a similar trend for women with a great deal of education to the trend from jussmile in her thread. They set very high expectations, then come to the forum and complain that no one has managed to climb their tower.

If a regular sort of man just isn't good enough for you then you're fighting over that 5% of guys that the majority of women are fighting over. Of course it's going to be difficult to meet someone if you only want to date highly educated people (remember, intelligence isn't education, education is just how long you spent in schooling) or if you're like Jussmile and only want to date very wealthy men.

I'm not saying women shouldn't have standards, I'm just saying some people really need to think over their standards and figure out what it is they're really looking for in a partner. Once you've done that you can actually start looking for THAT instead of just trying to put a filter on your dating profile and going to take a nap. After all, you snooze, you lose, right?
 
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Emme0264 is offline Emme0264 Post #7  June 27,2010, 7:22am
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I have a JD and have found men few and far between who are even remotely intimidated by this. I don't place much emphasis on education in general as every person is smarter than I am in some way and there is always something I can learn from them. My longest relationship was with a guy who had a GED. If your date's education is really important to you I can see men having feeling inferior if you make that known, or talk about being about to get your PhD. If a guy's education isn't that important to you, then I personally wouldn't mention your education at all unless asked or it becomes necessary for you to address it. I can't think of one man who was intimidated by my education, though I suppose there were some who closed me or otherwise chose not to see me anymore and they simply didn't convey to me that my education was a problem.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #8  June 27,2010, 7:32am
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metjodes wrote :
I've been *truly* single for 2.5 years now. I've done the online dating thing several times over, dated men I've met from all sorts of places (bars, via friends, etc.), I've taken dating breaks, etc. I have yet to been out with a man more than 3-4 times...I'm seriously starting to think it's me...it has to be.
The fact that you are meeting people and going out on dates shows that what you are doing is probably okay. Dating is a number's game and you have to just keep at it until you meet someone who is compatible with who you are. It takes a lot of effort and tenacity, but if you are doing a PhD, you should have plenty of determination. It's most likely that after 3-4 dates, there just wasn't enough interest to want to continue because of lack of chemistry or compatibility.

If you become the crazy cat lady, that will severely cut down on your dates though.

In case there is something you are doing...perhaps you can look at the men you've dated and see if there is a common factor to all of them. Is it always your dates who don't want to continue seeing you? Do you decide that you don't care to date them further?
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #9  June 27,2010, 7:36am
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metjodes wrote :
Thanks! You both made great points. I do lead a stressful life and I work a lot, which could make me appear "unavailable." I suppose I should make it known that I'm willing to share my time with the right person.
Don't make it "known'....make it "shown".
You actions will speak louder than words.
If you're in school...work a ton of hours...and have a crazy schedule, so be it. No one can blame you for that.
But...
The thing you have to understand is single people are pretty much all doing the same thing as far as dating goes...if you don't make yourself available enough[because of your schedule] then not many guys are going to stick around and wait until you are...and vice versa...
That's only fair.
There are going to look for someone who has the time...because, in the end, it's a game of numbers.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #10  June 27,2010, 7:56am
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I have, by far, my best experience with women with more education. I've also found that unless she is busier than a conventional workweek, that discrepancy was, more often than not, a problem.

However, also in my experience, many women will not date beneath their own income / education / class - a self-imposed limitation that men are less constrained by.

Since many of the "prime" men are married, and others with partners who are not at their level in such things, that leaves only those still single - and this is the pool of men who are most intensely sought.

With that, if in fact you are seeking a similar man, and want a family, there is the problem that, on the one hand there is you, and on the other a woman with far more time to devote to raising children.

***

I think you are damaging your chances (if perhaps acheiving some self-protection) by reacting adversly to men who are drawn to your appearance.

You may have missed it in your studies, but sexual attraction is a foundation of a romantic relationship.
 
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