Won't date a workaholic... but are they ALL workaholics?!


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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  June 26,2010, 4:22pm
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I have a short list of things that I consider "deal-breakers" for me as I enter back into the dating world. Other than the main things like no drugs, no smoking, emotionally healthy... I have also decided to scratch "workaholics" off of my list.

I think one of the main reasons I've chosen to be open to dating older guys is because they are more likely to be at a point in their lives and their careers where they are more settled, more patient, and more open to appreciate life... I just figured that by the time guys where in their late 40's to mid/late 50's... that he's at a point where he's "paid his dues" and doesn't have to work the crazy, ridiculous hours, and doesn't necessarily have a desire to do so... although, still motivated to do a good job in whatever it is that he does...

Early on, I started dating early 40 something year olds... for the most part, a lot of the guys in this age range where the typical "workaholics" putting in crazy hours, on the verge of a breakthrough when it came to their career... still having something to prove. I quickly moved on because I felt that I've been there... done that, and have no desire to relive that experience again.

But, laugh seems to be on me... seems now like even some of the "older" guys are still workaholics even if they don't have to be. Is this just a professional male mentality and it doesn't go away?

Really... is it asking too much to not include workaholics in the dating pool and expect the pool to still have contents in it? What is reasonable expectations regarding working and still having time to date, or get away... or, even as simple as not having to talk about work when you're on a date and looking for a relaxing evening? Any experience with resetting your own expectations and realizing that the "workaholic syndrome" is completely normal with guys, and this is just like beer, football and hanging out with friends... for most, a necessity?.
 
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MicMan is offline MicMan Post #2  June 26,2010, 5:06pm
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Hi, I'm MicMan and I'm a workaholic.

Not only do I put in a lot of hours, my hours are different. I'm at work by 5:30AM, but I do finish work in the early afternoon, so there is balance although I have night meetings to cover and I have games to broadcast at night.

I've had women that struggle with my sometimes long hours and the early mornings.

Typically, I do know when I'm going to be free and when I'm going to have to work and that's when I make time for someone. It does cut down on the spontaneity, but that's the compromise.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  June 26,2010, 5:12pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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One thing is....this should be something fairly easy to screen for. It seems an appropriate question to ask men in early communication or dating what their work life and hours are like.

Even commercials for eH sometimes show people who say they use the service because they are so busy they don't have time to find someone. This in itself might be a negative side of why a number of people use this type of service.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #4  June 26,2010, 5:22pm
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MicMan wrote :
Hi, I'm MicMan and I'm a workaholic.

Not only do I put in a lot of hours, my hours are different. I'm at work by 5:30AM, but I do finish work in the early afternoon, so there is balance although I have night meetings to cover and I have games to broadcast at night.

I've had women that struggle with my sometimes long hours and the early mornings.

Typically, I do know when I'm going to be free and when I'm going to have to work and that's when I make time for someone. It does cut down on the spontaneity, but that's the compromise.
I'm an early morning worker myself... I don't consider odd hours a condition of being a workaholic... now if you worked 530am to 900pm every day... that would be different. But, lots of people are not workaholics that have different schedules. I would totally expect different professions to require different hours... a woman may judge that a situation doesn't work for her if your schedules are opposite, but, that wouldn't suggest a workaholic issue to me... and, it would be something that I could put up with as long as we did find the time to spend together. I can have somewhat of a flexible schedule myself, so that wouldn't be an issue for me...

again though, if it's not about the schedule and just the crazy, constant long hours... then you bring your work home with you too and expect continuous conversation about it... yes, I consider that a workaholic!
 
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CH2010 is offline CH2010 Post #5  June 26,2010, 5:37pm
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I am a workaholic and have been for most of my professional life. I am female, so it's not just males who do this! I have a very demanding job, have worked hard to get where I am, and usually put this ahead of a personal life (which probably would explain why I'm usually single). I think that dedication and passion for a job is an important and attractive quality. However, I will rearrange my schedule or cut back on hours when I'm seeing someone. Work usually occupies my time while I'm single. So, I don't think you should necessarily eliminate all workaholics. Some people just work long hours because they aren't involved in a relationship or have another distraction. There are much worse things for us to be doing with our time!
 
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MicMan is offline MicMan Post #6  June 26,2010, 5:40pm
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jussmile wrote :
I'm an early morning worker myself... I don't consider odd hours a condition of being a workaholic... now if you worked 530am to 900pm every day... that would be different.
While rare, there have been some days like this where I've worked that kind of schedule with only an hour or two off during a 14+ hour day. On the other hand, I love my job and it sure beats breaking rocks in the hot sun.


jussmile wrote :
But, lots of people are not workaholics that have different schedules. I would totally expect different professions to require different hours... a woman may judge that a situation doesn't work for her if your schedules are opposite, but, that wouldn't suggest a workaholic issue to me... and, it would be something that I could put up with as long as we did find the time to spend together. I can have somewhat of a flexible schedule myself, so that wouldn't be an issue for me...
Admittedly, this was more of an issue right out of college when I was dating women right around that age. For some of them, they didn't even know a 5:30 AM existed and some didn't seem to correlate that because I have to get up early, I also go to bed early. I'm finding that now most women respect my schedule when they understand it.

jussmile wrote :
again though, if it's not about the schedule and just the crazy, constant long hours... then you bring your work home with you too and expect continuous conversation about it... yes, I consider that a workaholic!
I try not to be one-dimensional, but I find a lot of people ask about my job. Earlier this evening I had an event to cover for work. While I was there, every single person but one only wanted to talk to me about some stuff going on where I work. To some extent, I really get tired of being defined as who I am only by my job, but since I have such a public job that's a reality I knew I was going to have.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #7  June 26,2010, 5:47pm
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jussmile wrote :
But, laugh seems to be on me... seems now like even some of the "older" guys are still workaholics even if they don't have to be. Is this just a professional male mentality and it doesn't go away?
In my experience, people who are motivated to get ahead, and work hard to acheive, tend to stay this way - especially if they are actually successful.

(Historically, in the US, highly-paid persons worked fewer hours - they substituted leisure for work, in the language of economists. Today, it is the opposite, with higher income persons putting in the most hours.)


jussmile wrote :
Really... is it asking too much to not include workaholics in the dating pool and expect the pool to still have contents in it?
Excellent ... but, in your case, by insisting on high-income men, you ought not be suprised by this finding.

Because these are such closely related attributes, I think you should consider seriously the importance of each screen, as I think you've found a pair that don't fit well together.

A further problem is that high-income men are the most likely population to be married.


jussmile wrote :
What is reasonable expectations regarding working and still having time to date, or get away... or, even as simple as not having to talk about work when you're on a date and looking for a relaxing evening?
In my case, I had major problems with working twice as much as women, until I started seeing those who were working and also a student (or full time student with job.) Today, I don't even try to meet women in less than a professional, demanding job.

Another issue is not only the total time spent working, but the travel, late evenings ... you have to accept getting put secondary to management / customers / emergencies. I lost partners over doing this.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #8  June 26,2010, 6:24pm
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D_Lion wrote :
... but, in your case, by insisting on high-income men, you ought not be suprised by this finding.

Because these are such closely related attributes, I think you should consider seriously the importance of each screen, as I think you've found a pair that don't fit well together.
The reason I am surprised is because I couldn't imagine a guy being a workaholic his entire life... I mean, where does burnout come in?! I was also a major workaholic, so completely understand the mentality, and wanting to succeed, excell, and just all around do great and have worthy contributions. But, in my mind... that can only last so long. Like I said... I figured a guy in his late 50's should have been there, done that... burned that bridge! I outgrew "workaholic" syndrome, and just figured guys do too? Eventually.

But, maybe they don't. If not, then I agree that this is a case where I am asking too much, expecting too much, and need to adjust those expectations. I am completely fine with him having priorities over me, just like I will have priorities over him at times. It's all a balance and realizing that we both have independent lives away from each other as well. I can go along with that... but, when we are there, I would like to see a guy who is wholly there... when we make time, unless urgent matters come up, I want that to be our time. And, it's nice if he actually even has time to date, to build a relationship. Again, it really may be asking too much, I don't know. Not even sure where I got the notion that I would have better luck with older guys. The premise made sense to me at least .
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #9  June 26,2010, 6:25pm

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I'm not a workaholic...but ehA-holic, that's a different story!
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #10  June 26,2010, 6:35pm
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Jussmile, I'm wondering if the economy is having an impact on this, too. Both my bf and I are in sales. We are both finding that we are having to put extra time into our careers at this point to just maintain our positions.

Also, it seems reasonable to me that work would be a topic of conversation. For many of us, we spend more waking hours at work on a typical day than anywhere else.
 
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