this guy was too pushy - what to say?


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itsanewworld is offline itsanewworld Post #1  June 26,2010, 4:47am
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I met a guy last week through non online-methods (he approached me at a gas station!) He was very cute and I liked his confidence, so we ended up setting up a date. Went out last night. Lo-and-behold, found out he was 34 (I'm 42!) But he likes older women, so no problem there.

Anyway, again, so very handsome and started out as charming, but he said a few stupid things along the way. Talked about my breasts a few times - as in he noticed the curve of them in my bra in my dress at the gas station and that caught his eye, and then I saw him staring at them in my dress a few times (although he tried to pass it off as looking at my necklace when he was caught). And then he asked, "so, what do you like to do for fun, other than sex?" I just kind of gave him a funny look and he said, "Oh, god, I don't know why I said that. I'm sorry!" He was nervous, and admitted to it, so I let it go.

He has a daughter, and specifically asked me about whether I knew my marriage was over during my pregnancy or after, so I told him that I adopted my two-year-old son and at one point he commented, "Oh, I don't mind you having a young son, and especially since he's not even yours." I was offended at that and told him so. My son is DEFINITELY my child. Biology has nothing to do with it! He apologized profusely so I forgave him. Goodness knows I've heard other dumb adoption comments.

And then, he said he's not looking for a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, but he does want to be exclusive with a girl. However, only wants to see her 1-2x a week and be able to see his buddies and his own daughter the rest of the time.

Other than the inappropriate comments, he was fun, so I agreed to go see a movie with him after dinner. He wanted to hold my hand, so I let him, and he was totally appropriate in the dark theater. I felt a definite attraction to him from just the handholding, so that was promising.

But...somewhere along the way I started to wonder whether I was really interested or just impressed at his cuteness. I decided probably not, but hadn't decided 100%. He kissed me at my car when I tried to just hug him bye and I was surprised at how nice the kiss was. So he went back up a little on my point scale. But then he called me on the drive home, in a nice way at first, to say he didn't want me to worry that he was following me (he was behind me on the highway), that he lived a few blocks from me and had to go that way, too. (He didn't know where I lived exactly, just the general neighborhood.)

Then, I was bugged by something else he said during the call. He said, "I know you have your son the next few nights, but after he goes to bed, call me." I said, "Oh, okay." And then, the kiss of death, he said, "Because I just live around the corner and could pop over, you know, just putting that out there."

Ugh. Met him for one date and he's already trying to invite himself over after my two-year-old son is in bed? What is he picturing? A makeout session on the couch? How inappropriate.

So, with that, I decided no way, no how, never again. And then, of course, he texted me four times once I was home. Just telling me what he thought were cute/funny things. I responded with a smiley, and left it at that.

Not sure what/how to tell this guy that I'm not interested. And not sure why he got so pushy so fast. I hate that he ruined a potentially good date with his inappropriate comments. So disappointing.
 
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Lilycat is offline Lilycat Post #2  June 26,2010, 4:57am
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Sounds to me like he is looking for a FWB here - if that's not something you are after, well staying away might be in your best interests.

JMHO

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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #3  June 26,2010, 4:57am

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he sounds like he's just clueless. some guys are.

anyway, i'd just girl up and call him. say " it was nice meeting you, but i don't think we are made for each other. thanks for the date, best wishes in the future."

he's going to respond of course, but keep it short sweet and pleasant.
 
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PatSweetBabu is offline PatSweetBabu Post #4  June 26,2010, 4:59am
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Why did he get so pushy so fast? He is under-socialized, and doesn't have a filter between his brain (& other organs) and his mouth. The question for me would be: is it worth the work&time you'll have to invest to discover whether or not this can become a safe relationship. Clue: He seems to be transgressing just about every boundary.
 
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itsanewworld is offline itsanewworld Post #5  June 26,2010, 5:15am
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yes, he was definitely missing a filter. that's an apt description. I chalked it up to his age being so young, but then talked to a girlfriend this morning and she said that he sounds more like 24, not 34! he was awfully immature when it came to his comments.
 
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Shelby is offline Shelby Post #6  June 26,2010, 5:48am
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said what she meant; meant what she said.

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He might be immature, a player, a sexual predator, a stalker, emotionally disturbed. How much more do you want to hang out with this guy to find out? I think your Spidey sense is telling you to back off from this guy, so pay attention to it. Think about your safety, and the well-being of your son. Cut him loose.

Tell the guy what you would tell an online guy you met for a first date. "Thanks for taking me to the movie. But I don't think we're a good fit. Good luck in your search." And say it over and over again.

No further explanation needed. He'll show his true colors if he persists.
 
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morningsunlight is offline morningsunlight Post #7  June 26,2010, 5:50am
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He's kind of adorable and you do seem to be attracted to him.

He may be a little pushy, but you can slow him down. Besides, he's not gonna be pushy forever.

People sometimes make stupid comments. His comments are rather innocent and adorable. Some of them made me laugh hard.

It depends on what you are looking for.

If there's chemistry but not much compatibility, it would not hurt perhaps for either of you to date a couple of more times and say good-bye if you find him not compatible as a potential life partner? You may not have to say good-bye to a person you dated just once and whom you still seem to like.

JMO.
Last edited by morningsunlight; June 26,2010 at 5:57am.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #8  June 26,2010, 6:22am
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I tend to agree with morning sunlight.

"Appropriateness" is not a universal standard, so that is not really "wrong" on his part - just wrong for you.

The reality of dating seems to steer men to "swing for the bleachers" with an all-or-nothing approach - it's needed simply to get noticed in the clutter of contacts women have.

This person seems most likely to be a Fun fling. I would suggest going forward with this only if you can accept that as a positive outcome.

I do think that values differences are likely to continue to present themselves.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #9  June 26,2010, 6:48am
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I've heard a lot of stories of women in their 40's who date men in their 20's and 30's and it is mainly a sexual relationship. This might be what a lot of younger guys who are "into" older women are looking for.

Sounds to me, that "he likes older women" comment fits the bill here to a tee.

Also, from a few of the older women that I know... there's a reason these younger guys like them and are expecting that. So, I'm sure as "cute" as he is, he hasn't had a problem with this approach in the past.

He's not clueless... I think he knows exactly what he is doing. I chalk the comments up to own frame of reference being different than yours, so he didn't see how you would interpret them as offensive or dumb.
 
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itsanewworld is offline itsanewworld Post #10  June 26,2010, 6:54am
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okay, an update - he just texted me "good morning" and I think I'll just not respond. and see if that works. otherwise, if he actually calls, I'll tell him on the phone that I'm not into the idea of another date.

jussmile, his ex-wife is my age, and they were married 7 years, divorced 3 years ago, and his gf he had since then is three years older than me. so he actually does prefer older women for more than just sex.

maybe I'm just still stinging that he guessed my exact age. usually people put me 4-5 years younger, minimum. but man, he guessed dead on!
 
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