Peopl contacting me and asking to meet then disappearing


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mylifesabeach is offline mylifesabeach Post #1  June 25,2010, 6:38pm
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I am not on eharmony right now but was in the past and just didnt get too many matches in my area. I am on POF and match right now but intend to end my match membership when it comes due. I actually seem to get contacted more POF. But I digress

The real issue is that out of the men that have contacted me and that I have communicated with I have only met one in two months. They contact me and email a bit, ask me to meet, often we even talk about where we will meet and then they disappear into cyberspace. This is happening over and over and over again. I am at the point where I dont want to put the energy into emailing with anyone at all. When they contact me I just want to say ok want to meet to see if we are even interested in talking to each other or going on a date.

I hestitate to do that becaue although I know that this is not a politically correct view things seem to go better if the man is the one doing the pursing. But I am sick of putting the effort into emailing back and forth and ending up not meeting anyone. I am starting to suspect these guys or married or falsely representing themselves ie they are massively overwieght but who a 20 year old pic of themselves!

I dont know help me out here. I think my picutre is pretty good on the sites and I get contacted a lot. I do have a graduate degree and that is clearly stated under education although I dont talk about it anywhere in my profile. I am wondering if this is putting people off as in maybe they dont see it as first. Again I know it is not PC to think this but I have been told more than once by men that I know that men dont like women with more education then them and I live in an area with a relatively low level of education.

I know it happens. Years ago I was fixed up with a guy I knew about and was really excited to go out with. We were going to go to lunch together and were fixed up by my officemate who's office we were to meet up in. When I got there he had left. Evidently it came out that I had a doctorate in conversation and he made and excuse and hasty exit soon afterwards. This after evidently being excited to meet me after seeing me and hearing a bit about me from a friend. My (male) officemate said sorry I should have let him meet you and see how easy going you were and not let that info out, I messed up. Ugh!
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  June 25,2010, 6:51pm
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Guys are asking to meet, and then they disappear?

Are you delaying meeting or asking the wrong kind of questions?

I've given up on women after getting communication started, even though I had earlier suggested meeting. (I don't poof, though, I stated that I was giving up.)
 
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mylifesabeach is offline mylifesabeach Post #3  June 25,2010, 7:00pm
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Nope not delaying meeting at all. they just ask to meet, we send a few emails back and forth deciding on where and when in a general sense, like this weekend, next weekend etc. We dont actually have a firm date and time so I am not actually getting stood up if you will. But after this little bit of back and forth about meeting they poof. I happens over and over and over.

Honestly if I were attracted to women I would have already thrown in the towel and changed teams. Alas I am not so fortunate. Its not that I dont like men I love them and in fact as a younger person this was all so easy but I always had problems with commitment. Now in my midfourties and oh so much emotionally healthier twice divorced person, I am rejected before I ever get to meet anyone.

I just find middle aged men mega confusing and if there were any way around having a companion without dealing with this group I would have already done it. I love men but you all bite the loco weed at middle age I think
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  June 25,2010, 7:11pm
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When I get a woman to e-mails, I usually suggest meeting within the second message (unless there is some concern, or some point I wish to learn.)

I do want to see the woman participate in the meeting planning, and appear enthusiastic.

Also, I do not like getting screening questions or reluctance after I have offered a meeting.
 
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2clueless is offline 2clueless Post #5  June 25,2010, 7:15pm
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What approach are you taking? You might consider reaching out to guys more. Perhaps the ones reaching out to you are just flaky. I would urge you to try to move from general sentiments of "we should meet" to more specific details. If a guy won't make that leap then don't invest anymore time in him.

I try to go for 2 weeks between first contact and meet plans, with a few emails and calls inbetween. It doesn't always go like this and I've had people poof as well (but not after agreeing to meet, thank goodness.)

The good thing about POF is that you really can seach in very specific ways so maybe you can just get on out there and search. Be proactive.
 
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jayhawkgirl is offline jayhawkgirl Post #6  June 25,2010, 7:23pm
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I agree with D Lion that it's best to be specific. If the guy does not suggest meeting by the 2nd e-mail, and I'm interested in him, I will usually write to him something like, "In my experience it's best to meet sooner rather than later. I'm not trying to rush you, but if you're comfortable meeting in person, why don't we get together for lunch or a drink early next week? Let me know if that works for you."

This has never failed to get a response (always within 24 hours) setting up a specific date and I've never had a guy poof on me at that stage (i.e., they've all shown up for the date.....although there are some I wish had not shown up, but that's a topic for a different thread).
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #7  June 25,2010, 7:31pm

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I need more info to determine why this is happening with the OP. Maybe there were some things that were lost in the back and forth communication and maybe the guys were trying to get a feel of where things might go, etc...and maybe they were on the fence and kinda look for some direction whether to go or not.

I can tell you as much as many women complain about guys poofing...guys have the same thing (if not more) to complain about women poofing after guys doing most of the work from initiating calls, picking the restaurants, activities, etc..etc.
 
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mylifesabeach is offline mylifesabeach Post #8  June 26,2010, 4:32am
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I made my pic here the same as the one on POF/match so you can see that. And yes I have also tried contacting people. Typically they will respond once and then never again so I have not done that in a while. That said most of those people were not too far from me but not in my town. I am willing to go 1/2 to 1 hours away from where I am.

At first I would email in more depth about things like real conversation but I have changed my strategy and I am not doing much but short light emails then suggesting we meet or saying something like I dont really like to email a lot I think its wise to meet in person ASAP and then they suggest meeting.

Have also decided I am not giving my number out anymore as the same thing happens, they call we talk, then they email me ask me to meet or they ask to meet over the phone, then i never hear from them again.

The last two guys have emailed with each about three times. Each one asked me to meet on the second email. Each one we came up with a place to meet. Each one then told me they had to go out of town and they would like to get together when they came back. One guy, in the process of figuring out a meeting place cause he is out of town wrote just give me a chance I really know what I want and I hope you do to. The other one told me that from my emails I sounded like such an honest person that it was refreshing because he has met a lot of people that are not "for real" online. Then poof poof poof.

Thei scenario has just repeated itself over and over for the past two months.

Also I am 47 and I know that most men dont want anyone their own age so I have upped my age category. I really prefer someone close to my age though and always have though so I am really not wanting ot go past midfifties, I just find it easier to relate. I have also been in contact with some people younger than me but past 5 years younger I really feel weird.
 
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mylifesabeach is offline mylifesabeach Post #9  June 26,2010, 4:33am
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looks like pic didnt load yet
 
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Lilycat is offline Lilycat Post #10  June 26,2010, 4:48am
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Well, if you are feeling down about this whole thing it might be in your best interests to take a short break from it. Just a thought. Clear your mind so you can approach it with an open mind again.

As far as the poofers go, you will drive yourself insane if you try to figure it out. On the net people can be whoever they want to be, for a time. Then you want to meet - well, that brings on a major reality check at times..... and it will never happen.

If you are honest and upfront about yourself in general, you do not expect this to happen, and it becomes awfully frustrating when it does. You need to make up your mind that wading through the chaff is the price you pay, and that there certainly could potentially be some wheat there........ after all, you are an OK willing to meet people person, so there have to be others! Just takes time to find each other...... but it does happen.

JMHO

Lilycat
 
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