Is it clear in a "Blink" or does it have to unfold in time?


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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  June 24,2010, 12:09pm

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The book that came out several years ago, Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell, suggests that your first impressions may sometimes be the most accurate. For instance, you may notice a few things that could be red flags or warning signs that could save you time and energy with something that could be a waste of time or even harmful. Gladwell asserts that when we ignore these queues we may be sorry later.

Have you felt that this is true in your online relationship search? Or in your experience, has it taken more time for these things to emerge in getting to know your match?

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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  June 24,2010, 12:46pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I do know in a 'blink' if I am physically attracted to a woman or not. To be honest, that in itself is a big hurdle. After that, any major personality traits or quirks that might be 'dealbreakers' for me would likely be obvious very quickly in a conversation. There can be some smaller or less obvious factors, which nonetheless might end up being dealbreakers, that may take longer to determine. For me, in a way it's sort of like the law of diminishing returns in that the biggest potential hurdles are obvious immediately and after that smaller and smaller hurdles can potentially be revealed.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  June 24,2010, 4:20pm
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I kind of agree with JayJay.

Attraction is quick (though it takes longer to check that appearance-care is sustained, and not just attempted for the short run to snare a partner.)

I disagree with the premise, though. In my experience, first impressions are usually wrong.
 
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kimbirdy is offline kimbirdy Post #4  June 24,2010, 6:48pm
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I don't really agree with that premise. I met a guy who I wasn't instantly attracted to, but the more time I spent with him the more attractive he became.
 
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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #5  June 25,2010, 8:00am

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It's interesting about the dynamics of attraction, here, and first impressions. It's so true that people want to put their best foot forward, and so may be "cuter" on the first date.

What about things other than appearance, though? I.e. personality, personal maturity, etc.

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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #6  June 25,2010, 8:16am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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kimbirdy wrote :
I don't really agree with that premise. I met a guy who I wasn't instantly attracted to, but the more time I spent with him the more attractive he became.
It seems I hear this much more frequently from women than from men.
 
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SeeShore is offline SeeShore Post #7  June 25,2010, 8:33am
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I think often the things we know "in a blink" are misleading.

Sometimes our gut will pick up on something that we can't quite put into words and we should take heed of that (be it positive or negative) BUT we have to be careful to watch that those impressions stand up as things progress.

IME... attraction usually does not change a lot, though it can. However, a strong physical attraction can blind us to red flags in a person's actions- which are much more important when it comes to maintaining a relationship.

As far as online specifically- I typically communicated with anyone who didn't send off an obvious an non-negotiable red flag, and if after communicating, there was still nothing of that sort, I would meet. And if nothing undeniably bad came up then, I would be willing to go out on a real "date," and so on.

So, I did not rely on my instincts in deciding whether or not to communicate, meet, or even date. BUT in nearly every case my instincts- that gut feeling I had from the beginning- ended up being confirmed through that process.

I only had two people I met who I thought had good potential where things went wrong, and admittedly in both of those situations, I had concerns but brushed it off because I wanted it to work out.

I don't think I had ANY where my instinct was that I was not going to like them and I did.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #8  June 25,2010, 8:43am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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We've heard of things like some actually being more attracted to unhealthy people...such as those with addictive personalities etc. Other people aren't. How accurate one's first impressions are is probably an individual thing related to how well the person interprets the information they get about the other person.
 
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