When do your provide free "services" for a date...


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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  June 22,2010, 1:46pm
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I'm curious if anyone has run into a situation where they have an expertise in a certain area or profession, and with that expertise, it is either expected (or needed) for you to provide those services to someone you're dating or interested in building a relationship with. In my case, I've started dating a guy who runs his own business. I work in the business field, pretty good at certain things, and find myself naturally helping him on a number of items. Now, he sometimes "asks" for my help, and I have no problem doing this, and sometimes I even volunteer to help.

I'm wondering if there are people in similar situations that use their talents to help someone they're dating, and where do you draw the line? For instance, as I stated in my "friends with my ex" thread, my ex helps me take out my trash and fixes things around the house... but he is not being used. I also help him in a number of ways as well. It's definitely an equal friendship. Not only my ex though, I help family members and friends on certain business transactions as well.

Do you draw the line as you are dating someone, with volunteering to help them, or them wanting (not necessarily expecting, but asking) for your help in your area of expertise? Is this something you keep completely separate until a serious relationship is established? Or, if you have a talent, or a job that can help the person in a particular area... do you just go for it?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  June 22,2010, 2:09pm
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When a partner wants something from me that I can provide at no cost, which would otherwise cost her a significant amount of money to purchase herself, I will generally provide that fairly soon.

Though I am not compensated for this gift, it is a savings for her (therefore a net gain) and possibly a wash in the long run. House and car repair have been the most common. (I once did some electrical work on a woman's father's house, the same day as our first meeting.)

I would draw the line when it became a zero-sum game - where there was a cost to me to provide the service (including travel or consumable supplies), which offset the gain to her. I would also not miss work.

Somewhat borderline (leaning toward neagative) would be if a non-exclusive partner asked - especially if she did so in a manner which implied an expectation. (That makes it a test.)
Last edited by D_Lion; June 22,2010 at 2:14pm.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #3  June 22,2010, 2:15pm

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D_Lion wrote :
When a partner wants something from me that I can provide at no cost, which would otherwise cost her a significant amount of money to purchase herself, I will generally provide that fairly soon. Though I am not compensated for this gift, it is a savings for her (a net gain) and possibly a wash in the long run. House and car repair have been the most common.
Yeah but what about accounting, taxes? I won't do taxes for anyone unless I am paid for it or know them well enough to trust them. Don't know about you but I have met too many people that are shocked what goes into gross income. My brother will only do legal work for family and he still runs it through his firm.

Manual labor like car and home repair, sure, I will help anyone, friends, neighbors, family, whatever. Not co-workers, not sure why but they always want something for nothing with a warranty as well.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  June 22,2010, 2:25pm
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I would assist a romantic partner to complete a tax return. I would not sign her tax return.

In general, I would provide a service, if it were cost-effective and convenient for me to do so, to most persons, provided there was a reasonable liklihood of being able to have such a favor repaid (and the person gives no sign of rent-seeking.) From a romantic partner, I consider that sufficiently probable.

I agree that not all co-workers fall into that category.
 
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Iconography is offline Iconography Post #5  June 22,2010, 2:32pm
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I am providing my professional services (as well as other things that I can do more readily than he can, even if I don't usually do them professionally) for my guy without compensation. It will, probably in the short- rather than long-term, be quite beneficial to his career, and if we are a long-term couple, by his own words we will both be reaping the benefits from this.

We are also planning several joint projects which, if we can get them working, would financially benefit us both.

Because I am not well-off, it is this kind of effort (rather than an existing fat investment account) that would be my greatest contribution to this kind of partnership. I'm a hard worker, team player, expert researcher, and excellent writer/editor, and enjoy doing these kinds of things. It's my pleasure to share these things with him.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #6  June 22,2010, 2:55pm

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I provide free services to my dates and femail friends (but no takers )
Last edited by PY_2; June 22,2010 at 2:56pm. Reason: back rub, opinions on bikinis, kissing workshops, home made videos...
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  June 22,2010, 3:00pm
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PY_2 wrote :
I provide free services to my dates and femail friends (but no takers )
Is that some sort of new form of mail order bride?
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #8  June 22,2010, 3:19pm

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AndieIsMe wrote :
Is that some sort of new form of mail order bride?
I'm testing out new spelling.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #9  June 22,2010, 3:24pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Does playing doctor count?
 
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tjlpd is offline tjlpd Post #10  June 22,2010, 3:41pm
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I had a first date with a general contractor and at the same time I was having a leaky roof issue. He volunteered to meet the insurance adjuster. I decided not to take him up on it...we never had a second date and I was not thrilled by some of his date behavior. I have given free tax advice to friends. I advised my ex how to file his tax return the year we divorced...and have told him some other things he should do. I would not have an issue with helping someone I am dating if they asked me a financial/tax question which I am qualified to answer. I seem to have more issues with accepting/asking for help than giving. I had some big pictures which remained unhung for a while. I had more than one guy volunteer to help but I never took them up on it. (they are hung now) In my defense a few guys that was the only time they visited my house and the one who I dated for a while...only mentioned it once and qualified it with not right now.
 
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