Deal-breakers confirmed or changed?


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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  June 21,2010, 5:39pm

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Have you ever had a match who appealed to you so much in almost every way that you decided to ignore the one big deal-breaker and pursue getting to know them anyway?

What happened? Did getting to know them confirm that you should never date someone who had even one glaring deal-breaker? Or did your set of deal-breakers change upon getting to know them?

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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  June 21,2010, 5:45pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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A couple years ago I dated a woman for 3 months who had what (for me) might be a big red flag. Her ex husband and her relationship with him were very bizarre. I had hoped that somehow she wouldn't be as equally troubled.... but eventually I found out that she was.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  June 21,2010, 5:45pm
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I've tried to go forward against too much distance, and not enough attraction.

Both were mistakes, and confirmed the importance of these criteria.
 
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Iconography is offline Iconography Post #4  June 21,2010, 7:16pm
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got her own goat!

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My guy mentioned sex in his profile--more than once! That really worried me (being a 44-year-old virgin with a history of victimization by men) and I had closed other matches for it. But other things about him were just so appealing (and unique) and I figured that he wrote in his profile only what other men were thinking... In consequence, well, it's been working out so far. In retrospect, I probably needed someone like him--with a combination of patience and, um, persistence--to overcome my difficulties in that area.

If we ever do break up, it likely won't be on account of that "dealbreaker."
Last edited by Iconography; June 21,2010 at 7:18pm.
 
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PebblesC is offline PebblesC Post #5  June 21,2010, 9:40pm
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Deal-breaker: Smoking

I selected 'non-smoker' and/or 'cigar afficianado' on Match, meaning 'a cigar every once in a while' in my mind. It turned out the man I was matched with smoked several cigars per day. I didn't find this out until we went on a weekend trip a couple months into our relationship and I had already fallen for him. We ended up together for over a year, but deal-breaker confirmed. Non-smokers only for me from now on.

Deal-breaker: Emotional immaturity/excessive insecurity

This one doesn't seem to show up for a while - or I was really bad at spotting it. He was quite a catch until this deal-breaker reared it's ugly head. I adored him, but in the end, some people are too broken to be fixed without professional help. Deal-breaker confirmed, big time!
Last edited by PebblesC; June 22,2010 at 6:42am.
 
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RedApple is offline RedApple Post #6  June 21,2010, 9:55pm
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One of my matches had "sexually knowledgeable" as must have. This would be the last thing how I could be described, but I proceeded anyway, I was just curious. But during OC it became clear we were not a good fit, so my "knowledge" did not have to be put to a test.

But in general, I don't proceed when must haves/cant stands show incompatibility.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #7  June 21,2010, 9:57pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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PebblesC wrote :
Deal-breaker: Smoking

I selected 'non-smoker' and/or 'cigar afficiando' on Match, meaning 'a cigar every once in a while' in my mind. It turned out the man I was matched with smoked several cigars per day. I didn't find this out until we went on a weekend trip a couple months into our relationship and I had already fallen for him. We ended up together for over a year, but deal-breaker confirmed. Non-smokers only for me from now on.
I also went on a couple dates once with a woman who had 'trying to quit' under smoking status. The proper interpretation of this turned out to actually be 'chain smoker'.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #8  June 21,2010, 10:09pm

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Matched with an attractive woman on EH...but her openness to diversity, wanting to meet other people and her open minded culture made me think I had a decent chance (she was in another state...which was not my preference at all). I waited after sending a guided comm...then she closed me due to distance. lol.
Last edited by PY_2; June 21,2010 at 10:10pm. Reason: wait...this didn't even answer the question. dang!
 
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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #9  June 22,2010, 5:38pm

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Iconography wrote :
My guy mentioned sex in his profile--more than once! That really worried me (being a 44-year-old virgin with a history of victimization by men) and I had closed other matches for it. But other things about him were just so appealing (and unique) and I figured that he wrote in his profile only what other men were thinking... In consequence, well, it's been working out so far. In retrospect, I probably needed someone like him--with a combination of patience and, um, persistence--to overcome my difficulties in that area.

If we ever do break up, it likely won't be on account of that "dealbreaker."
That is such a sweet story, Iconography. Thanks for sharing. I saw your post in "Using eHarmony" too. That's a great example of an exception to the rule.

For myself, in the past when there were core-level deal-breakers, the getting-to-know-you process only reinforced the importance of the serious deal-breakers.

“Preferences” that aren't at "deal-breaker" level…that’s another story. I have met some guys who didn’t align with my original preferences and discovered that certain traits or qualities were a complete non-issue.

PY_2 wrote :
Matched with an attractive woman on EH...but her openness to diversity, wanting to meet other people and her open minded culture made me think I had a decent chance (she was in another state...which was not my preference at all). I waited after sending a guided comm...then she closed me due to distance. lol.
So, PY_2. Did you have a real answer? LOL

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heisenberg is offline heisenberg Post #10  June 22,2010, 6:37pm
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I have some deal breakers such as smoking that apply without exception in all cases.

However, I have other "deal breakers" that in reality lean toward strong preferences. But these are often strong enough that I will not initiate contact with or may even close matches over. These generally include education, income, and such, where there are often varying shades of gray.

While I have deviated from one or more of these significantly on occasion, it was always with women I had gotten to know in my day to day life casually before we dated.
 
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