Is Passive-Aggressive considered the new... Mr. Nice Guy?!


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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  June 21,2010, 6:14am
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Maybe it's just me, but I seem to run into a lot of guys who are so far on the passive-aggressive side, it's not even funny. I've finaly gotten to the point that I do this... simply take a guy at his word. If he says he wants to do something or not, if he says he likes something or not, I stop going of off his reservation and somewhat seemingly gestures that he is just trying to make me happy and start believing that this is actually what he wants.... even when he murmurs under his breath that everything isn't what it appears...

I just think there is a big difference between trying to please someone you're dating to impress them, to make them think that you are thoughtful, and actually wanting to do something, when you're really holding a little bit (even if a wee little big) of resentment inside because a person doesn't "see" what you really mean, which translates into you thinking they are not considerate of your feelings. Again, maybe it's just me, but it just seems like so many guys these days are far too passive aggressive, and I think they have really translated this as good thing because... maybe, passive-aggressive to them means they are trying to compromise and be thoughtful. To me, I would much, much rather you just come out and say exactly how you really feel, what you really want, and then that's when the compromise comes in.

Is it a sign of the times that it seems like 75% of the guys I'm dating appear to be this way (I would say 90%, but a few of the guys I didn't date long enough to determine). Is "passive-aggressive" the new "nice?" Or, has it pretty much always been this way because a lot of guys equate to telling a woman what they really want as a confrontational thing because I know some guys believe that many women don't want to hear the truth.
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #2  June 21,2010, 6:28am

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the Nice Guy has always been passive aggressive.

do i have the link the nice guy article again?
Last edited by scarlet13; June 21,2010 at 6:39am.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #3  June 21,2010, 6:50am
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they do it because they think they wont get what they want if they dont. its like the guy that says that they want a "smart independent woman" but if she actually is that he doesnt like her anymore because she actually rubs him the wrong way, but he also wants the other benefits of being with someone that claims to be that
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #4  June 21,2010, 6:54am
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scarlet13 wrote :
the Nice Guy has always been passive aggressive.

do i have the link the nice guy article again?
Oh boy, another Nice Guy thread. I have to ask if you haven't been reading them here, Jussmile.

Here you go for a rather lengthy discussion on this topic:
http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...-not-nice.html (Resolved: "Nice Guys" are not nice.)

Scarlet is right, but maybe we do need the article again if there's no memory of Nice Guy discussions around here.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #5  June 21,2010, 6:56am
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scarlet13 wrote :
the Nice Guy has always been passive aggressive.

do i have the link the nice guy article again?
I guess I don't equate passive-aggressive to nice... to me, PA means that for whatever reason, you don't want something you're agreeing to... but you won't speak up and say the truth. I equate "nice" as a sincere gesture that you actually do "want" something... It might not be what you would have originally wanted, but because you see how happy it makes another person, etc... you genuinely do want it and hold no resentments about it.

Maybe this is why I'm running into so many PA guys... I am definitely attracted to the "Nice" guy, and have no intentions of dating another bad boy... no thanks. But, I don't see why the nice guys have to be PA...
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #6  June 21,2010, 6:57am
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ThePriestess is offline ThePriestess Post #7  June 21,2010, 6:58am
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Well, this is the longest day (sunshine) of the year here ... what better way can we spend it than discussing the merits of "nice" guys?
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #8  June 21,2010, 7:00am

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here ya go:

The Holy Drive-Thru of Lurve - No More Mr. Nice Guy

honestly, i don't know what the OP is really about. It's common sense.

the "Mr Nice Guy" type *is* passive aggressive. a passive aggressive person does not always have the additional traits that makes them a Nice Guy.

but i'm sure this thread will decend into chaos regardless of the answer i just gave.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #9  June 21,2010, 7:02am

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jussmile wrote :
I guess I don't equate passive-aggressive to nice... to me, PA means that for whatever reason, you don't want something you're agreeing to... but you won't speak up and say the truth. I equate "nice" as a sincere gesture that you actually do "want" something... It might not be what you would have originally wanted, but because you see how happy it makes another person, etc... you genuinely do want it and hold no resentments about it.

Maybe this is why I'm running into so many PA guys... I am definitely attracted to the "Nice" guy, and have no intentions of dating another bad boy... no thanks. But, I don't see why the nice guys have to be PA...
oh for pete's sake.

there are nice guys and there are Nice Guys. if the guys you are dating are passive aggressive, then you aren't dating nice guys. you are dating Nice Guys.

read the article.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #10  June 21,2010, 7:02am
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MelinCali wrote :
Oh boy, another Nice Guy thread. I have to ask if you haven't been reading them here, Jussmile.
Hi MelinCali... actually, I don't remember seeing that thread, interesting...

but, truth be told, I don't agree with it. I am not talking about the "nice guy" who is weak, who is not fun or boring... and, I'm definitely not talking about a guy complaining that they are too nice and end up with girls who just want to be friends. I am actually attracted to nice guys with a kind heart. My issue seems to be that all guys are so concerned about hurting a woman's feelings, that they say things they don't mean, and then hold that resentment for later. I am not looking to "just be friends" with a nice guy. I want to date, love, treasure a real Mr. Nice... but, I also want him to be comfortable telling me the truth.

For instance, it's not just Nice guys... my dad, I would say, is not the definition of a nice guy... but he is very passive aggressive. He won't speak up because he is non-confrontational... but, he is also not very considerate of other things that I would label as a "nice guy"...

I didn't get a chance to read the entire nice guy thread, but I would say that a lot of guys (nice ones and bad ones)... are passive aggressive for reasons similar to what nanette said... they are trying to get something, and they don't want to ruin their chance at it... the "what" is something left undefined.
 
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