sunkissed222 is offline sunkissed222 Post #1  June 17,2010, 8:58pm
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So I started talking to this guy at work (my best friend "hooked us up") and we're both interested in eachother. He's 25, he's single, we're just talking right now and it's going alright. He seems to be a good, hard-working guy (and attractive!).

I found out that he has a 6 year old daughter who lives with her Mother in another state. He sees her when he can and when the ex lets him. It freaked me out at first because I told myself I wouldn't date a guy who already has kids (I have in the past). Mainly because that's a major life experience and thats a first I'd like to share with someone someday.

Also, I don't have a lot of experience so it's a little bit scary.

I'm keeping an open mind to it though. It's not like he has a built in family and it could be far worse. He also told me most girls run when he tells them and he was suprised I didn't. I guess I'm just asking if one of your "requirements" was no kids, would it be a bad idea to stray from that? Given they're everything else on the checklist?

I know it's not as little as compromising something like "must have brown eyes" lol It's just been on my mind.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  June 17,2010, 9:20pm
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Not sure how old you are, Sunkissed, but as time goes by a much higher percentage of your potential dating pool is going to have children. You might reconsider this as a dealbreaker.

So how reasonable is it to want to share first-kid with your eventual mate? Kind of reasonable, I guess. It's a little bit fairy-tale but so what?

A downside I see in this particular case is the guy does not seem to be an involved parent. I would want to know why that is. Living a long way away, sees her "when he can"? "When the ex lets him?" The ex doesn't control that, unless he lets her ... it's up to a court. So I'd want to know in detail what's up with this ... does he have a good reason why he's so disconnected from his child? If you want to have children, it's best to pick someone who's demonstrating good-parent qualities.

You say he "doesn't have a built-in family" ... but he does. He's just not dealing with it?
 
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2clueless is offline 2clueless Post #3  June 17,2010, 9:30pm
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I was also going to ask about their custodial arrangement.

I dated a guy with kids in another state. He flew them out once a month and they spent summers. Although they were not part of our daily life except for a few months per year, his responsibility to them dictated everything from his budget to his will to his vacation time to his view of our relationship. Kids don't have to be actually present for a good parent to take them into account. I'd be concerned your guy is not taking his kid into account.

On the other hand perhaps he tried to minimize things in order to not scare you away. Ask him how his child fits into his life and listen very closely to his answer.
If he doesn't mention, facetime, financial planning, future plans, it might seem like a plus because it's almost like the kid isn't there...but it is really a huge crimson flag.
 
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ThePriestess is offline ThePriestess Post #4  June 17,2010, 9:34pm
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It all depends.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #5  June 19,2010, 9:30pm
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If it is a dealbreaker for you it is. We all ahve our preferences and reasons for them. So only you can decide how big of a deal this is for you.

Maybe, at some point, it is something you can talk to him about and just be honest and say, "you know. i really dig you. but i've never dated somebody with a kid so I'm not sure how to handle that..." And maybe you'll be able to say what it is that you fear about it and maybe he can alleviate those fears....

My experience is that a lot of it also depends on the parent. Some peopel are looking for another parent for their kids... some people aren't looking for anything of the kind and the relationship will be primarily about them and their partner (i.e. "i can handle my kids.. i don't need help....")

But this is one you will have to think about and decide for yourself. But my all-encompassing advice is... "wha's the hurt in trying and seeing? you can always back out later."

Richey
 
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sunkissed222 is offline sunkissed222 Post #6  June 19,2010, 10:53pm
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I'm 25, too to the one that asked.

It's tough because it's still very, very early, we only started talking about a week ago. I hate to push for more info that soon. From what I understand, the ex is in an abusive marriage and that guy wants to control everything. He gets angry that she even communicates with this guy (which is ridiculous because they have a kid). I think this guy is trying to cause as little trouble/drama as possible for her and her kids but I can see it's really frustrating him, he was in tears. He works full time, he pays support, he goes there to see her because the Mom won't let her come here. I didn't ask about if he ever took her to court or not yet, those are still things to uncover.

He doesn't seem to be a deadbeat Dad to me, he just seems really frustrated and unsure with the whole situation. I realize it's a major thing, I'm not trying to downplay it.

I did date someone with kids before, he had 4 that lived with him and for some reason, I didn't think twice about any of that (naive at the time for sure). But maybe part of me knew that wasn't going to last and that's why.
 
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yeahitsme is offline yeahitsme Post #7  June 19,2010, 11:08pm
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ONE WEEK? Oh, honey you have to decide for yourself if you want to get involved in a relationship with a man who has children. For me, its a personal deal breaker, fair or not. I mean you can't be tooo invested in this fellow after only a week, so once you decide if you WANT to date a man with kids or not, the answer is really simple.
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope Post #8  June 20,2010, 3:41am
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When I was 25, I gave little thought to avoiding drama. I was focused on school, career, etc.

Fast-forward 20 (ahem) -some years and if I met the man you're describing, I'd want to know who moved from where. In other words, was he married and get divorced? Did his ex- go to court, get primary physical of their daughter and then move to another state? Or did he move away when he had a young daughter? Finally, what you describe is a high-drama situation. And it could be the tip of the iceberg, since you've only known this guy a week.

IMO, these are important things to find out if you decide to continue dating this man...if you hope to have a family someday.

I'd proceed very cautiously. Good luck!


Good luck!
 
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zephyr1973 is offline zephyr1973 Post #9  June 20,2010, 11:05am
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I recall having on my settings NO divorcees and NO kids - somehow some jerk played a game and slipped past this and I called him out on it as it really upset me for a myriad of reasons, mainly because he had to have lied to have slipped past the "gate keeper".

Here's the number one reason I chose to limit my dating pool to those who had never been married and who did not have any children: I HATE DRAMA! I didn't want any mama drama, I didn't want wife drama, and I sure as heck did not want the financial drama that seems to follow either!

There are many women and men who are not like me and who can handle this aspect of a person's past - I knew I was not one of them. If this issue raises any concerns for you, I would explore those first before investing too much in this relationship.
Last edited by zephyr1973; June 20,2010 at 11:09am.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10  June 21,2010, 6:10am
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NEVER DATE SOMEONE YOU WORK WITH!!!

I will presume that you are within a year or two of his 25 years old. So it would be reasonable to expect that there are plenty of guys with no children at your age. As you get older the percentage is going to go down.

Without using my calculator, if he is 25 and has a 6 year old daughter that means that she was born when he was 19, which means that she was conceived (probably) when he was 18. A lot of people are going to say I am being harsh, but I see this as a red flag indicating poor judgment skills and there is a good probability that they may not have improved in the past 6 years.
 
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