Is dating overrated? Or is the problem me?


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gmart8 is offline gmart8 Post #1  June 17,2010, 8:18pm
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Well, I'm here to report back on my experiences of my first date (and second). It was, let's say completely not at all what I expected. It was my first date, first first date, like ever in my life. It went pretty well, up until the end of the night when we walked he walked me to my car and proceeded to kiss me. Lol, It happened all too fast, I was overwhelmed, and I freaked out and said "i've never kissed a guy before" And it was the truth. But then he understood and that night he texted me and said that he had a good time. A couple of days later we went for a second date. However, it wasn't as thrilling as the first. Completely not what I was expecting whatsoever. We went for a walk after dinner, and I felt like there was nothing there. We held hands the entire time, but one thing I noticed was that there was SO MUCH silence. So much. I just didn't have anything to say. One of the reasons why is because I was still in awe; I still couldn't believe it was all happening to me. This is all COMPLETELY new to me. Those dates were my first ever. I was overwhelmed that I couldn't believe it was for real.. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I didn't speak much. But I also feel that one of the reasons is because of me. Because i'm really shy and it's something i've struggled with my entire life, that I'm afraid to speak up in fear of judgment.

Because of the outcomes of these couple of dates with this one guy, I can't help but blame the lack of success because of my personality, because I was shy and couldn't say much. I can't help but put myself down. When things don't go as planed, are you supposed to blame yourself because that's what I feel. I'm thinking back on those dates last week, and picking out the things that I did wrong.

At least I can finally cross these things off of my life list: First date and first kiss. That's the only ups I can think of unfortunately I'm trying to look forward now, and not dwell on the past, because it just makes me feel like I failed in all ways.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #2  June 17,2010, 9:14pm
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Yay! spring has sprung.

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Congratulations Gmart8,

Keep focusing on the positive.
You two may not have been the greatest match. But there will be more if you dont allow your negative thoughts to convince you to never want to go out again.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #3  June 17,2010, 9:33pm
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I remember that feeling "I can't believe this is happening to me!" the first time going out with a guy. And first kiss. It is overwhelming!

If you're shy anyway it's not surprising you found yourself clamming up, right? There is no point in beating yourself up about it. What's that going to accomplish. Not one thing.

A suggestion: activity dates are easier if you're shy -- talking is not the only thing there is to do. And, there's something you're both involved in, to talk about; you don't have to search your mind for a subject to talk about. Go bowling, art museum, whatever.

Congratulations!
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #4  June 17,2010, 9:38pm
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Don't blame yourself. You've gained some experience & that will go a long way.

He might have been lacking in something to say just as much as you were. Sometimes that translates into awkwardness & sometimes it doesn't.

Keep putting yourself out there with new people & it will get easier. Also try not to think too much about what to say before you say it.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #5  June 17,2010, 9:44pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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If you learned to ride a bike did you just get on it and take right off like an expert? If you have learned to swim did you just jump in the water and start doing the breast stroke? Almost everything we do has to be learned. After you've done it a while it will feel more natural. Just keep 'practicing'. Good luck.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #6  June 18,2010, 2:41am
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Two firsts! Well done. This is just the beginning, so give yourself lots of time to live and learn.

It may help if you think of dating not as some special mystical event or that you need to acquire a set of complex skills. You are making new friends, and you already know how to do that.

I agree with Sassafras that participating in an activity/event together will help with conversation. Don't beat yourself up over silences, though. Being in someone's company doesn't mean there has to be talking all the time.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #7  June 18,2010, 3:38am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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wrote :
We went for a walk after dinner, and I felt like there was nothing there.
Sounds to me like, while the experience itself was interesting and nerve-wracking for you, you weren't feeling any 'chemistry' with this guy. That, in and of itself, can make certain activities - like walking in the park holding hands (a romantic gesture) - a bit more uncomfortable and could help justify the deafening silence you felt.

I think it is important for you to not blame yourself or feel guilty for not having felt 'chemistry'. It's a slippery pig and no one - and, I mean, no one on the planet - has broken it's secret code. It's either there ...or it isn't (and, arguably, never will be).

You aren't going to 'succeed' every time ...in fact, your dating life will likely have many more 'failures' (depending on your perspective) than 'successes' ..."gotta kiss a lot of toads to find your prince" and all that.
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #8  June 18,2010, 11:48am
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Congratulations on having your first date and your first kiss. One thing I will mention is that I don't think it is a bad thing that the two you just held hands and didn't talk much. It is perfectly acceptable to just enjoy being in one another's company and not saying much of anything.
 
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gmart8 is offline gmart8 Post #9  June 18,2010, 6:53pm
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Thanks for all the advice. Perhaps I need to work a little bit on my self esteem and being happy with myself. I think i'm going to hold back on the dating for a while.
 
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