Too emotionally invested before 1st meet.....


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2clueless is offline 2clueless Post #1  June 17,2010, 7:34pm
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I have a first meet tomorrow and I broke my own rule about minimal involvement before meeting and now I feel such a sense of weightiness about this meet up.

We connect on many levels, but I guess have really bonded over our status as widow/widower and as parents. We have spoken on the phone 3X for about an hour and a half. I ended all the conversations and also tried to put some space between them because I felt like he was getting overly invested in the idea of me. However these were great conversations and he is very forthcoming in a very sweet way. He is a newbie to online dating and I feel like he has insta girlfriended me.

I guess the problem is that my romantic feelings haven't really grown. Part of it is that I am keeping them at bay until we meet. I am still in dialogue with other matches. The other part of it is that I am not able to picture myself in his life between all that he has to juggle as the solo parent of three kids. I have struggled so hard to create a non-mommy life for myself and want to date to enhance that space.

On the other hand, my friendship feelings have grown by leaps and bounds. I like him, respect him and think he is really special. But is he a compatible romantic partner for me? I dunno.

My little voice tells me that we might be headed to the friend zone. And the thought of telling him that after meeting him somehow feels like some kind of break up.

I just had to say all of that outloud somewhere. I guess my user name is apt.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #2  June 17,2010, 7:43pm
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2clueless wrote :
I guess the problem is that my romantic feelings haven't really grown. Part of it is that I am keeping them at bay until we meet. I am still in dialogue with other matches. The other part of it is that I am not able to picture myself in his life between all that he has to juggle as the solo parent of three kids. I have struggled so hard to create a non-mommy life for myself and want to date to enhance that space.

On the other hand, my friendship feelings have grown by leaps and bounds. I like him, respect him and think he is really special. But is he a compatible romantic partner for me? I dunno.
I think none of this matters -- it will all depend on when you meet. Will there be chemistry or not? Friendship is a good start, but romantic feelings don't need to be cultivated over the phone and are completely unpredictable, IMO.

Good luck with your date.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #3  June 17,2010, 7:52pm
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Thank goodness you meet tomarrow. At least you wont be worrying about this for a week.
You tried.
I hope it works out well for you.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #4  June 17,2010, 9:49pm
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"Insta-girlfriend" ... I like that, good term for it!

Hopefully you can meet him tomorrow with an open mind and open eyes? And just see what develops. You little voice might be right, and he's friend material, or you might find things are different when you're in person.

Hope it goes well!
 
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Johnnyguitarman is offline Johnnyguitarman Post #5  June 18,2010, 12:05am
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Try not to worry about all that stuff. Just put it out of your mind and see what happens when you meet! Keep open minded and optimistic and just slightly nervous.

(a little "good" nerves can help on a first meeting).
 
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Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  June 18,2010, 4:22am
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The proof is in the meet up. It's either there or not. You'll know quickly.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #7  June 18,2010, 5:54am
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I've learned that it doesn't mean anything until you meet... I did the same thing... 3 TIMES! Yes, 3 times I was in a situation where I just KNEW I had THE ONE... yes, we were writing, and for whatever reason, could not meet face to face for a couple of weeks. The way "he" wrote in email, conversed on the phone, we had so much in common... blah, blah, blah... then, BOOM, first meet and the chemistry was just not there. Nothing! From then on... I just figured 3 strikes and you're out... I will NEVER invest myself into a "relationship" until the first meet, and will always try to meet as quickly as possible!

Good luck though! The guy I'm dating now had great communications skills and it does work out. But, I didn't invest myself until after we met.
 
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coffeetogoplease is offline coffeetogoplease Post #8  June 18,2010, 6:53am
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I have made the investing too quickly mistake and can't seem to stop myself with certain matches. Sigh. Never good.

But as a single mom with sole custody of 3 kids I want to encourage you to be open to the possibility that he can handle a relationship and his children. Not saying he can but be open. I waited until this was possible with my kids. And I know I get closed for it. A lot. I would give him the opportunity to share with you why he thinks it is doable and his vision of a relationship before you put him in the friend zone for it. If other things seem good.....Good luck
 
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margaret18 is offline margaret18 Post #9  June 18,2010, 8:16am
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I have a similar experience going on right now with a match I will meet this weekend. Uncanny bizarre similarities and coincidences. He is the one doing the pursuing and is revealing more than I am, so he is not even aware yet of some of the ways our lives and minds are eerily similar. I don’t talk to matches prior to meeting, we have only emailed. his email responses make me do double takes. They answer what is underneath what I asked or said … on several levels, and pitch perfect. Can’t explain it any better than that.
In any case that digression is leading somewhere relevant to the OP. Guess I’ve been on enough of these that I am protecting myself now as a reflex. Be discerning, that is the mantra I keep in my head, I could show up and find someone 10 years older and 5 inches shorter, who can’t put a sentence together.
 
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coffeetogoplease is offline coffeetogoplease Post #10  June 18,2010, 8:31am
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margaret18 wrote :
I have a similar experience going on right now with a match I will meet this weekend. Uncanny bizarre similarities and coincidences. He is the one doing the pursuing and is revealing more than I am, so he is not even aware yet of some of the ways our lives and minds are eerily similar. I don’t talk to matches prior to meeting, we have only emailed. his email responses make me do double takes. They answer what is underneath what I asked or said … on several levels, and pitch perfect. Can’t explain it any better than that.
In any case that digression is leading somewhere relevant to the OP. Guess I’ve been on enough of these that I am protecting myself now as a reflex. Be discerning, that is the mantra I keep in my head, I could show up and find someone 10 years older and 5 inches shorter, who can’t put a sentence together.
I hope not! But wise to protect your heart until you meet....good luck.
 
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