reenz is offline reenz Post #1  June 16,2010, 1:40pm
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I have heard often that it is best not to get into a relationship with someone with the hopes that the person will change, and that you should accept the person as he/she is. I was wondering if this still holds true for something as minor as physical appearance (hairstyle, clothing style etc). If I really like a guy for who he is, but he dresses in an unattractive way... should I still pursue dating him?

For example, I am in my late 20s. I previously dated a guy some years ago (we were friends for awhile first) who dressed rather old-fashioned. He had his hair in that dreadful side-part across his forehead. It would drive me crazy, and I'd always rearrange it by combing it forwards. He'd allow me to do so; however, the next time he fixed his hair, he'd part it in the same side-part again.

I also sometimes see men my age wearing attire that I would expect someone in their 50-60s to wear. Like if they have those open-collared shirts with their chest chair showing through, and then wearing shorts and bowtie loafers. That does not appeal to me at all, as that would be something more appropriate for my father to wear.

I just wanted to ask opinions on this. I'd hate to let a good guy get away simply because I'm unattracted to his dress style. I was wondering if this is possibly an exception that could be changed in someone if I liked the rest about him.
Last edited by reenz; June 16,2010 at 1:43pm.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  June 16,2010, 1:46pm
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I might make minimal changes to my appearance for a partner, provided it did not incur cost, discomfort, or inconveniance for me, or involved appearance attributes I wouldn't present in the work place.

Also, such a partner may have to accomodate my requests of her.

***

So, if you want to try to convince him to change, I suggest being receptive to making changes yourself, and using an opportunity to get the person an item of clothing in your tastes.
 
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dmi is online now dmi Post #3  June 16,2010, 2:02pm
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I had a girlfriend that didn't like some of the clothes I wore. I've never really been a jeans wearer, but, she liked me wearing tight fitting jeans.

It didn't bother me one bit to wear the stuff she liked to see me in when we were together. So, we went shopping a few times, she picked the stuff out she liked and I wore it. No big deal to me at all. Of course, what she picked was acceptable to me. If it had not been, there's no way I would have changed.

I also went shopping with her and got to pick out a few things that I would have liked to see her wear. She vetoed a few of them and bought a few of them. She used to wear these overalls that I didn't much like on her all the time. She stopped wearing them around me when I mentioned it as a part of the whole fashion overhaul.

So, I think that changes can happen pretty easily if they are acceptable to the person changing.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #4  June 16,2010, 2:20pm
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It probably depends on who buys his clothes. If he buys them and likes looking that way, he's going to revert back to that style no matter what you do.

However, if his mom still buys his clothes and he never goes shopping for himself, dear 'ol mom is probably buying the same style clothes for son from the same stores she shops at for dad. If he's just wearing these clothes because they're in his drawers, you have a better chance of influencing his style by taking him shopping yourself and complimenting him on how he looks in your suggested styles.
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  June 16,2010, 2:30pm
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Is his style of dress a common "style"? My nephews will sometimes wear those horrible vest sweater things with a button up shirt under. It's "old fashioned" to me, but apparently it is a current "in" style. As are tight fitting jeans for boys. But they also wear fedora style hats sometimes.

If this is his style and it's not like he's just clothing style challenged I wouldn't recommend you trying to change him. If he just can't seem to coordinate his clothing and is a mess all the time, then go for it.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #6  June 16,2010, 2:40pm
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I got my ex to change his appearance somewhat for me. I forced him to get certain things (like, more designer stuff) because some of the carp he had was pure carp. He got a lot of compliments for it too, I might add.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #7  June 16,2010, 3:01pm
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reenz wrote :
I have heard often that it is best not to get into a relationship with someone with the hopes that the person will change, and that you should accept the person as he/she is. I was wondering if this still holds true for something as minor as physical appearance (hairstyle, clothing style etc). If I really like a guy for who he is, but he dresses in an unattractive way... should I still pursue dating him?
He allowed you to do his hair to be nice.

There is a fine line between giving advice and trying to be controlling or wanting to create some fantasy person.


There are some things you can change in a person. Some guys may not feel comfortable shoping for fancier clothing because they are unsure of what matches (and they dont trust the sales people who will say it looks great on you no matter what you tried on).

Some can handle some small changes but trying to change radically is just too much.

I am 40 so I am stuck in my ways. I know I am not a suit and tie kind of guy...it is just not my style. Sure I can wear it occassionally but I dont feel comfortable wearing it all the time.

I also know I will not radically change my hairstyle.

A lot of that has to do with comfort level.

If you go at it in trying to change too much he will see right through you and say you really dont want me and walk away.

There are some small things you can change...but the idea of dating someone based on potential and radically changing him to your way is doomed for failure.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #8  June 16,2010, 3:03pm
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AndieIsMe wrote :
My nephews will sometimes wear those horrible vest sweater things with a button up shirt under.

I beg your pardon!
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #9  June 16,2010, 7:32pm
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I don't think you should go into any relationship expecting to change the other person. You may be able to influence his sense of style in some ways, but you have to be able to accept that it may not 'take'.

When I married my ex, I knew that I had to change his style and I did. We went from his mom buying all his clothes to me buying them. Now he's remarried and his new wife has changed his style again and picks all his clothes.

WW mentioned that it might be more likely to change his style if he never goes shopping and his mother has been buying his clothes for him. That is probably true, but do you want a man who is in his late 20s (or beyond) who lets his mother choose all of his clothes? Just something to consider.....
 
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