confused about his interest (or not)


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reenz is offline reenz Post #1  June 15,2010, 9:31pm
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Hi all. So as I wrote about in an earlier thread, I entered email communications with a man I was matched with on this site. We were matched a few weeks ago, quickly went through the process, and have sent each other several long (and deep) emails since that time. We are long-distance (live in different states). Through our several lengthy emails to one another, we realize that we have an extreme amount of common interests, and we think very similarly on a number of issues. The connection seems extremely strong. I've been on eHarmony for a few years now, and have never felt this way about a match on here like him.

My issue is that I am a bit confused about his intent. He still has one more year of his degree program, thus he told me that he can't relocate until that time... plus, he is going to be traveling internationally to do some projects in the upcoming months. (Nor am I able to move for the next few years either due to school.) A few emails back, he wrote in that email that it would be nice to keep things friendly, casual, and platonic. And that no matter what happens between us, he'd be honored to have me as a friend. However, at the same time, he also wrote that due to our distance, we don't have to worry about our 'hormones' getting the better of us. (I am not sure what to make of these 2 statements, as they almost seem to imply different things.) He asked me how I felt about this, and I wrote back that I am totally open to being platonic friends with him. I didn't elaborate. So we have continued to write each other lengthy emails between us.

From where I stand, I am open to him either way - I'd be open to being friends-with-romantic-possibility or just eternally-platonic-never-romantic-friends as well. I normally avoid being 'just friends' with people I meet on dating sites as people usually offer that without really meaning it, but this guy is truly something special and very similar to me in many ways... so I'd be fine with it as he seems like someone I want to know further regardless. Even though I am open to either type, the problem is that I don't know which type of 'friends' he is trying to suggest. However, I would like to know which kind of 'friends' he means, so that don't start to develop feelings for him if he truly means the 'just friends' not romantic type. Right now, it's still early on enough where I can divert my feelings and put him in the 'just friends' category without being hurt about it. But I know that if we continue this long email exchange then I will start to develop feelings - which will be hurtful to me if he doesn't feel the same. Our emails have gotten more and more deeper and personal, so I know that an emotional bond is in the early stages of forming - which can be a scary thing if unreciprocated.

What do you guys suggest? I was actually writing him a response email tonight to his last email, but then thought about deleting the email and telling him to call me instead (as we haven't chatted on the phone yet). If there is any future romantic possibility, then it's high time we should talk on the phone instead of emailing...as long emails are so time-consuming. But then I thought that if he meant the 'just friends' pen-pal type, then me giving him my number would be too forwards. I also feel like if he has any interest in possible future romance between us, then he should ask for my number instead of me giving it to him and telling him to call. Thus I don't know if I should tell him to call me, or continue to just be his pen-pal. I'd like to ask him this directly, but I don't know how to say all this... as it would probably sound insecure, like I am giving him the power to make the decision. And that's not what I want either.
Last edited by reenz; June 15,2010 at 9:43pm.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  June 15,2010, 9:39pm
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I don't think it sounds insecure to say more or less what you said here to him, and say that you want to know what type of relationship the 2 of you are forming. Au contraire. An insecure approach would be to avoid the topic altogether.

Well you kind of are giving him the power to make the choice, aren't you? You said you're ok either way, but you don't know what he wants. That sounds like if you find out what he wants, that's the way you'll go. I don't see that as a problem really.

Or am I misunderstanding you?
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #3  June 15,2010, 9:43pm
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Its can be complicated. I dont know if either of you are in cities or small college towns or close to family.

Have either of you said in email that you plan on staying in or going back to your home town?

A fair question to ask him is if he doesnt want to meet you or someone else because of school then why does he have the settings in terms of distance that matched the two of you.

He may be saying this because he has found someone else he is more interested in but doesnt mind having a person to pen pal with.

Have you two exchange photos? He may have done this when he saw your picture so he isnt interested in you. He could be not interested in you for other reasons because of some things you said where he is not offended by what you said but he sees some big difference that arent a big deal in a friendship but are a big deal in a relationship.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #4  June 15,2010, 9:49pm
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Get him to call or you call. Then ask him what he means by those two statements.
 
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reenz is offline reenz Post #5  June 15,2010, 9:55pm
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Sassafras54 wrote :
Well you kind of are giving him the power to make the choice, aren't you? You said you're ok either way, but you don't know what he wants. That sounds like if you find out what he wants, that's the way you'll go. I don't see that as a problem really.

Or am I misunderstanding you?
Nope, you aren't misunderstanding... this is what I mean. In a way I guess you can say that I am giving him the power to decide... but only for the 'possibility' of a relationship, not for a relationship itself. It's too early to say whether a relationship would be in the cards for us, but I do know that I am interested in dating him. At the same time, if he had no romantic interest in me at all, that would be fine as well. Normally, it's very difficult for people to be friends after dating because of the feelings that are there. But since it is so early on, I don't mind either way, as my romantic interest could easily be shifted to friends-only. However, a few months down the line, I may not be able to do that so easily once feelings are present.
 
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reenz is offline reenz Post #6  June 15,2010, 10:02pm
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ami1uwant wrote :
Its can be complicated. I dont know if either of you are in cities or small college towns or close to family.

Have either of you said in email that you plan on staying in or going back to your home town?

A fair question to ask him is if he doesnt want to meet you or someone else because of school then why does he have the settings in terms of distance that matched the two of you.

He may be saying this because he has found someone else he is more interested in but doesnt mind having a person to pen pal with.

Have you two exchange photos? He may have done this when he saw your picture so he isnt interested in you. He could be not interested in you for other reasons because of some things you said where he is not offended by what you said but he sees some big difference that arent a big deal in a friendship but are a big deal in a relationship.
I have told him that I plan on staying in my city for the next several years due to my education, and my family also lives in my city. He replied that he won't be able to relocate in the short-term (the next year). But he didn't say he had any problems after that, as he moves often for projects and doesn't appear too attached to any one place.

We are both paying members of EH. I have many pictures up. He hasn't commented on them, but obviously he has seen them. He only had 2 pictures of himself on his profile, so I am thinking of asking him to send me more pictures of himself so I can get a better idea of what he looks like. He doesn't appear drop-dead-gorgeous (like the last guy I dated). But he appears decent looking enough where I think I could fancy him.
 
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reenz is offline reenz Post #7  June 16,2010, 2:32am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
I don't think it sounds insecure to say more or less what you said here to him, and say that you want to know what type of relationship the 2 of you are forming. Au contraire. An insecure approach would be to avoid the topic altogether.
Update: Well, I went ahead and emailed him on this topic... I can only hope it doesn't come off as being insecure, as that's not how I'd like it to come off.

Here's what I had written:
"... Anyway, I had previously suggested the idea of chatting on the phone, but it appears to me that you are more interested in being pen-pals (or email-pals I guess). I don't have a problem with that as this is just fine, but I just wanted to make sure that I am reading you correctly. Also, I wanted to be ask you directly something else... you had mentioned us being platonic friends in our past emails. I was thinking that we should probably clarify this just to be on the same page. By 'platonic' do you mean: 1) eternally platonic - due to incompatibility, lack of attraction, etc...? OR 2) platonic-with-possibility-of-more - due to distance, but with an interest in actually meeting up in the future to possibly consider a relationship if the logistics, chemistry, etc are in place...? This is what I am wondering. I was initially assuming #2 when you brought the issue up previously, but recently I have started to think you mean #1. You seem like a great guy, and I think we could totally have a great 'platonic' friendship, but only if we are on the same page about what that means - as I don't want us to have different expectations. I've chatted with people online for years, so this isn't new to me. I've seen firsthand that in these types of long, personal, intimate exchanges that feelings can develop. And I've unintentionally broken a few people's hearts (and had my own heart broken as well) in the past due to different expectations. So this time, I want to do things right by asking this question early on, just to make sure we are on the same page, before anything possibly develops."
If he hates it or thinks less of me for what I've written above, then I can't help it. I made a sincere effort to communicate with him and be straightforward instead of dancing around the issue.
 
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robv_la is offline robv_la Post #8  June 16,2010, 3:38am
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That is very upfront and honest, I like it. Great approach to clear up confusion about his intentions.

However, to be honest, neither you of is able to move closer in the near future. So I would assume keeping this casual, not romantic, is the way to go here.

I think to start a solid romantic relationship you need face time. Time to spend together at events, and eventually with friends and family. And obviously time spend together intimately.

Plus I've seen it so many times, long distance couple gets along great, so much in common, etc. Then finally they meet and oh no, he's not as tall as I thought or she doesn't quite look as good as her pictures.

Or perhaps the initial meetings go great and eventually one person decides to move closer to the other. Usually when this happens you have one person who must leave a job, friends and/or family to pursue the relationship.

And this tends to put pressure on the relationship. The person moving will expect promises of being together to be fullfilled. They will expect the other to make a lot of time for them to acclimate to the new area, introduce them to people and places.

Even though initially this can be great, spending time together. Eventually, this can become too taxing on the person who hasn't moved. And it's a tough transition going from seeing each other maybe once a month to spending so much time together.

People often think of looks, height, weight, income, interests as items that help determine desirability. Being geographically desireable (close enough to see each other regularly) is important too, imho.
 
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reenz is offline reenz Post #9  June 16,2010, 8:09am
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Wow, Rob... your post totally makes sense to me. I wish I had read that advice before sending the email, as I wouldn't have sent it otherwise.

If I had to guess the reason for him suggesting us being 'platonic' 'casual' etc... it would make sense that it would be for exactly the reasons you described.

I wish my email had an 'unsend' button. In my previous experiences with men, any time I have used a direct approach like that, it has caused them to respond to me politely, but to withdraw as they feel pressured in some sense. I suspect the same will happen here after he reads my email unfortunately. I wish I had considered things from your perspective before sending it.

What has occurred to me, after reading what you wrote, is that you are so right that a romantic approach at this time is just not appropriate due to the distance. I think I can see now what he meant by 'casual', thanks to you elaborating. It dawned on me that because of this, our current approach to sending each other long emails every few days just isn't going to work... because for me, that is just too much emotional bonding when there is no way to be together in person right now. I can't put myself though that, as it's too much of a risk to me emotionally. I need to totally back off myself. I think shorter emails between us once every 2-3 weeks or so would be so much more appropriate... less risky and less likely to cause feelings etc.

In case he hasn't totally disengaged after reading my email, I will tell him this next time he and I communicate. Thank you so much. Now I just need to get over my embarrassment.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #10  June 16,2010, 8:16am
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Reenz there's nothing wrong with the email you sent. I think maybe you are just worried about his response?

As you said in the email, you've had experiences in the past with confusion with email-pals about what's going on, and people getting hurt. You're just trying to be more upfront with it this time.

I agree, LDR is hard. But there's a real difference communicating with someone, LDR or not, who's a potential romance rather than a pal.

Anyway! I hope you get a good response!
 
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