He doesn't ask me questions..... How well does he really know me?


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VonHaaz is offline VonHaaz Post #1  June 15,2010, 9:28pm
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I've been dating a guy for about one month; we've been on 5 dates. This guy likes to talk, while I tend to be more introverted, at least until I feel more comfortable with the person. So, I'm a good listener and like to ask questions during our conversations, and have also been talking a bit more about myself.

But this guy doesn't seem to ask many questions about me, so I'm wondering if he's truly interested in getting to know me better, or if this is just not his communication style. I do know that he is interested in a relationship with me, as he has been pursuing me and has verbally and physically expressed his feelings for me.

But, I wonder how well he really knows me if he hasn't been asking me many questions about myself. At this point, I think I know him better than he knows me.

Would this be a red flag for you? Or are some people reluctant to ask personal questions?

I would assume it's part of the getting-to-know-you process, and is usually reciprocal. Would like to hear other's perspectives.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #2  June 15,2010, 9:34pm
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Its hard to tell....how has he been on the dates....does he have a conversation with you?


He may not asking you many questions because he was reading in you that yo didnt want to answer the questions so he doesnt want to ask you question that you get upset or dodge because you have been introverted.

He also could have a different communication style since he is a guy...he doesnt talk to you like a girlfriend of yours.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #3  June 15,2010, 9:46pm
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You said you start to talk more as you begin to feel more comfortable, and that you have started talking a bit more. Right?

So pretty soon he is going to know more about you.

There could be all kinds of reasons why he doesn't question you more. Perhaps he's overly polite and doesn't want to be intrusive. Or, many people don't like the "interrogation" style of getting to know someone, and prefer just to have information come out in the course of doing things together. Or, he could be entirely self-focused and has no real interest in you. Or, as ami1uwant said, some guys are like that ... they talk a lot more about themselves and don't ask a lot of questions, without it really meaning anything much. Or or or. Lots of possibilities!

I would not see it as a red flag right now. If you start talking to him more about yourself, and you find he glazes over, that would be more of a problem!
 
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DashMN is offline DashMN Post #4  June 15,2010, 10:45pm
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Sounds to me like communication style. I'm not one to ask a lot of questions, but it isn't because of a lack of interest. We all learn our communication styles growing up, talking with our families. In my family, there aren't a lot of questions asked, everyone just talks. We make statements, and others respond to those statements.

I have a co-worker with whom our conversations sound similar to what you've described with your date. She told me once that I'm not a good listener. And all I could think was, "well I'd listen if you'd ever actually say anything." Her communication style is to "expect" an "invitation" to talk, in the form of having a question asked. My communication style is to make statements, to which I "expect" her to respond, without the necessity of an "invitation". You can imagine how that goes. I'm waiting for her to speak up, she's waiting for me to ask her a question, and I end up doing most of the talking.

As far as him getting to know you, he probably feels like he's patiently waiting for you to be comfortable volunteering information. I know if I were in his shoes, that's how I'd be reading it. He probably doesn't even realize that he doesn't ask questions, he's just communicating in the only style he knows. I'd guess he's wondering why he's not able to evoke more of a response from you. For whatever it's worth, I'm guessing that from his perspective, all of his talking is an attempt to say something you find interesting enough to respond to. Seems like you two may need to have a conversation about communication styles.

Hope that helps, and thank you for the post, it's a good reminder for me that I need to try to ask more questions.
 
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VonHaaz is offline VonHaaz Post #5  June 16,2010, 3:53pm
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Thank you everyone for your replies, it’s so interesting to hear your perspectives!

Thanks especially to DashMN, your comments gave me food for thought, as I haven’t really considered that it could simply be his communication style - to make statements and wait for a response, rather than invite. It’s so helpful to hear your viewpoint!
I just want to make sure I’m not getting involved with a narcissist...lol…but I suppose I will figure it out as we spend more time we together.

Here's an example of an exchange that felt odd:

I asked him when his birthday was, he told me and then started talking about family members who shared the same birth date, his astrological sign traits and then the conversation veered off in a different direction. He never asked me about my birthday, and there wasn’t another point during the conversation that seemed appropriate for me to interject “well, I was born on March xx, in case you were wondering”. Should he be showing more curiosity about me?
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #6  June 16,2010, 4:00pm
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VonHaaz wrote :
I would assume it's part of the getting-to-know-you process, and is usually reciprocal. Would like to hear other's perspectives.

That's a problem, regardless of anything else.

In my experience, the kind of questions many women ask are useless - they just aren't how men think.

Whereas the question men might like to know, they know better than to bring up early in a dating situation.

Another reason he may not ask certain questions, is that it is a topic of conversation he dislikes, or does not wish to reveal.

If you otherwise like the person, I would not worry over this. I'd say he is content with what he knows, at this time, to wish to continue to see you.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #7  June 16,2010, 4:02pm
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DashMN wrote :
She told me once that I'm not a good listener. And all I could think was, "well I'd listen if you'd ever actually say anything." Her communication style is to "expect" an "invitation" to talk, in the form of having a question asked. My communication style is to make statements, to which I "expect" her to respond, without the necessity of an "invitation".

Well said. Good post.
 
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howardtheduck is offline howardtheduck Post #8  June 16,2010, 6:34pm
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Vee have vays to get zee information from you, yes? You just may not be noticing...

It's a shallow form of depth.
 
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #9  June 16,2010, 9:42pm
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It's also possible that the girl he tried to date before you was one who thought it was creepy or too personal to ask about her job, or about her siblings.

Plus, it is always better to err on the side of caution, and in his case, it seems to be working. You say yourself you are an introvert. I've found it is better to let introverts divulge information when they are ready.
 
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DashMN is offline DashMN Post #10  June 16,2010, 10:42pm
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VonHaaz wrote :
Thank you everyone for your replies, it’s so interesting to hear your perspectives!

Thanks especially to DashMN, your comments gave me food for thought, as I haven’t really considered that it could simply be his communication style - to make statements and wait for a response, rather than invite. It’s so helpful to hear your viewpoint!
I just want to make sure I’m not getting involved with a narcissist...lol…but I suppose I will figure it out as we spend more time we together.

Here's an example of an exchange that felt odd:

I asked him when his birthday was, he told me and then started talking about family members who shared the same birth date, his astrological sign traits and then the conversation veered off in a different direction. He never asked me about my birthday, and there wasn’t another point during the conversation that seemed appropriate for me to interject “well, I was born on March xx, in case you were wondering”. Should he be showing more curiosity about me?
Well I had typed out a reply to this, and it went poof on me. I don't know if I'll be able to re-construct it, but I'll try.

As far as the birthday conversation, the things he brought up were probably, for him, an opportunity for you to indicate ways in which you relate. Maybe you also have family members with a shared birthday, or maybe you think you're nothing like what astrology says your sign is supposed to be like, etc. But I'd guess that he pauses less between statements than you would need in order to feel comfortable interjecting. Different people have different expectations about how long those intermittent pauses should be. I had expanded on that a little more in the lost post, but hopefully you get what I'm saying there.

It's too easy for any of us to think that our communication style is the only "proper" communication style. It's always a matter of perspective. You probably feel like you're a better listener than he is, and since he doesn't ask questions, you're wondering whether he is only interested in himself. But from the other side of that, for me personally, I'd rather someone willingly volunteer information about themselves than for me to have to pry it out of them. When you talk freely, of your own volition, rather than at my prompting, you tell me a great deal more about yourself than I could ever ascertain from any questions that I might ask. By speaking freely and openly, you have the choice as to how to respond to what I've had to say. How you choose to respond, and the things you choose to respond to, tells me about what is important to you. And when I learn about what is important to you, I begin to learn about who you are as a person. If you are only answering my questions, then you are really only talking about the things that are important to me.

I've always felt that by the nature of the questions being asked, the questioner reveals more about themselves than the respondent does. The title of this thread posed the question, "how well does he really know me?" If he's been paying attention to your questions, then I'd say he knows a great deal more about you than you think he does.
 
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