Gecko813 is offline Gecko813 Post #1  June 15,2010, 7:08pm
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Well I met this girl a few weeks back. When we met, we talked for hours, spent the day together, had a great time. We saw each other every other day, sometimes every day. Things were moving too fast, but it felt right for both of us. Eventually we had sex after about a week and a half. Prior to this we had talked and talked and talked. We knew so much about the other person. We had sex a few more times, and it was great for both of us. This girl is very honest, and always tells me what shes feeling whether or not I would want to hear it.

Anyways, one Sunday she sat down on her couch after dinner, told me that she wanted to slow things down, felt nervous and scarred about moving so fast. I had no problems with that, and I agreed. After all, she was the one that invited me over to hang out 90% of the time. After that Sunday, each time we met, she was more and more cold. Seemed hesitant to kiss or hug. It was getting worse and worse each time we hung out.
But the odd thing is, she really liked my company, begged me to come over, or spend the night, and then as soon as we jump into bed, goes right to sleep. Doesnt even hug, kiss, say goodnight or anything, lol. OK No biggie, she just wants to take things slow.

Well yesterday, after about two weeks of this weird behavior, I asked her what was going on? She told me that she felt I was trying to "push the relationship on her" and she needed space. I didnt mention the fact that she is the one that asks me to come over, or hang out, most of the time. She told me that she doesnt want me to be so available, wants me to have my own life, hang out with friends, be busy, etc... Normally with most girls I am like that, but this girl was pretty much perfect for me. After a dozen long term relationships, I had more in comman with this girl than anyone else, I felt relief and hopeful that someone like this was now in my life. So I made time to see her, when she asked me to hang out. After all im 27, spend most of my time with family, or work. i dont party 24/7 anymore. So im confused about the whole thing.

To me she seemed like she just lost interest, perhaps got scarred about "jumping into a relationship" She assured me that she really likes me, but apparently wants to go uber slow, and have me reject her every now and then to hang out. Went from her calling or texting every day. Now she doesnt call or text at all. Not even to say how was you day? Im thinking oh well, this thing is over. What a shame we messed it up. What I cant understand is she tells me she wants to continue to talk, but needs time, blah blah blah.

My question to you guys: why would she go on eharmony if she doesnt want a relationship? Its one thing to take things slow, but im not the type of guy that like to waste time, and become friends for a year before we become a couple. Im not 21 anymore. I know what I want, apparently she doesn't. Should I stick around, wait for her and be friends, and take this thing super slow? Im pretty sure, she has been burned before, and got scarred about jumping into a new realtionship. She told me that all her ex's pretty much treated her like badly, never gave her the time of day. Apparently she got used to that, and now that she met a guy thats good to her, and makes time for her, apparently it scares her? Is this girl damaged goods?? I really like her, but I dont want to waste my time.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  June 16,2010, 6:59am
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It sounds like she lost respect for you. It's not about her wanting to be treated badly, it's that there is no balance in your relationship between time together and time apart. In fact spending as much time as you did or still do around each other is suffocating and too much.

You are so busy trying to please her and be with her that you've lost what attracted her to you in the first place. In fact she is telling you quite directly that you need to find that balance again and live your own life rather than just be bending over backwards to be with her. You are losing your identity in all of this and that makes you a boring person to be around.

It's kind of like this - when you go out with friends and pursue your hobbies and interests, and then get together with a partner, you have something fresh to bring to the table - funny stories, experiences, etc. On the other hand, when you are just galloping to spend every free moment with your partner and abandon all those interests and friends, the relationship becomes stale. You are not able to bring anything interesting and new to the table and the burden to keep things fun starts to fall more and more heavily onto your partner. Hope this makes sense for you.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #3  June 16,2010, 7:13am
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Gecko813 wrote :
My question to you guys: why would she go on eharmony if she doesnt want a relationship? Its one thing to take things slow, but im not the type of guy that like to waste time, and become friends for a year before we become a couple. Im not 21 anymore. I know what I want, apparently she doesn't. Should I stick around, wait for her and be friends, and take this thing super slow? Im pretty sure, she has been burned before, and got scarred about jumping into a new realtionship. She told me that all her ex's pretty much treated her like badly, never gave her the time of day. Apparently she got used to that, and now that she met a guy thats good to her, and makes time for her, apparently it scares her? Is this girl damaged goods?? I really like her, but I dont want to waste my time.
This whole last bit shows that you think the troubles you now face are all on her. Here's a news flash: you share a lot of the responsibility in this too.You need to do some self-examination on how you have acted.

She is right that if you made yourself available every single time she called (every other day or every day), you were too available. That looks a little desperate in the early stages of a budding relationship and can lead to the other person feeling suffocated, as DancingFool said. You really do need to have your own life. You might know what you want in a relationship, but that doesn't mean that you should intensely focus on it to the exclusion of every other social outlet in your life. That kind of behavior for most of us is off-putting because you are making the person in the new relationship your everything. It places the burden of your happiness squarely on her shoulders.

My view on this is she is not looking for someone to treat her badly, like her ex, but she also can't handle the other extreme of someone focusing too intensely on her, as you've done. There is a happy medium in between, where you both treat each other well and spend quality time together, but you maintain your own social life that is independent of each other. You need to work at getting things to this middle ground.
Last edited by MelinCali; June 16,2010 at 7:14am. Reason: ***Everything in moderation!***
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #4  June 16,2010, 7:18am
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Maybe she was just using you for sex. Women do that too, you know.
 
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insertscreenname is offline insertscreenname Post #5  June 16,2010, 8:10am
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tweet37 wrote :
Maybe she was just using you for sex. Women do that too, you know.
*nods*
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  June 16,2010, 8:24am
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For whatever reason she has lost interest in you. You should move on to a girl that is interested in you.

As for why she would be on eHarmony if she is not interested in a relationship. Who knows why some people join eHarmony, I have had one match that was only looking for a golfing partner, another who was looking for a business partner, and another who was only looking for friends to go places and do things with.
 
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greg75 is offline greg75 Post #7  June 16,2010, 8:31am
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tweet37 wrote :
Maybe she was just using you for sex. Women do that too, you know.
I know that by experience!
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #8  June 16,2010, 8:35am
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tweet37 wrote :
Maybe she was just using you for sex. Women do that too, you know.
yep...
Not every "playa" has to be a guy.
this pretty much blows that myth out of the water.
 
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greg75 is offline greg75 Post #9  June 16,2010, 8:57am
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First of all, not to bag on twenty-somethings, but I'm seeing a pattern of this type of behavior for men and women at this age. First of all, I think appearing to be too available is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. If some girl I like calls me up and wants to hang out and I am home bored to death, why on earth would I turn her down just to prove a point? I'm sorry, but are people at this age THAT insecure that they have to test people to see if they are going to appear too desperate? I can understand if you already had plans and you cancel the plans each time to be with her. Yes, that's being "too available." Here's an easier way to solve the problem. If she feels suffocated, don't ask him to come over. Wow, problem solved. If he's the one doing all of the asking out (which from his OP he is not,) then the girl needs to say, "Hey, ya know, I like hanging out with you, but I need some space." Problem solved.

And if she's losing interest in him, why not be honest and say, "Hey, you know, things were going a little too fast, and now, well, I think I have kind of lost interest in having a dating relationship with you." Yes, I know, easier said than done, but it's about being honest with yourself and the people you affect. In the long run, you are much more respected for being honest.

OP, she has lost interest in you. Plain and simple. She's at that age where she really doesn't know what she wants. Next time, take things a little slower. If you know what you want, you may want to try dating someone who is closer to your age. Not saying all women below 25 don't know what they want, but a lot of them are not wanting to settle down and have serious relationships. Neither are the guys that age as well. She's flakey.
 
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Gecko813 is offline Gecko813 Post #10  June 16,2010, 1:22pm
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I really appreciate your advice guys.
Last night I got a text from her at 730pm, she told me she bought a new toy for her dog, (the last one was destroyed) I laughed about it, and that was the end of that. There was no, "how was your day" or anything. This girl is confusing me. I have a strong feeling she is going to ask me to hang out this weekend. I think I should say no, not only becuase, "im too available" but im actually a little turned off now.

If what you guys are saying is correct about her getting bored with me. I certainly dont feel that way- So I guess my feelings were stronger than hers- if thats the case. I dont get bored of someone that fast atleast. Even if we dont have something new and exciting to talk about, I am perfectly content just hanging out, eating, watching a movie. Just like a normal long term relationship would be. But I can how that is not normal; perhaps I need to find someone that is more like me.
 
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