SummerSusan is offline SummerSusan Post #1  June 15,2010, 7:04pm
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Well, who knew these boards existed?! I didn't until just a little while ago! I'm struggling with a situation and I'm hoping to get some needed advice...

Almost a year ago I dated someone I met online. We only dated for about 2 months but had an immediate connection and were both very interested in one another to the point that we spent a lot of time together over those 2 months, met families etc. Here was the problem: I was out of work for almost a year while we were dating. I didn't realize it then but looking back now, I was wayyyyy too clingy and emotional towards him. Basically, I had a hole in my life i.e. work and I filled that hole with him. He sort of dropped hints that I was too needy but I wasn't getting it then...but did after the fact. Towards the end of the 2 months we were dating, he also lost his job and freaked out emotionally. In addition to all of this, he suffers from severe commitment and trust issues which he vaguely touched on with me but didn't go into detail. Anyway, because of my neediness, him losing his job and his trust issues, he couldn't handle it and just abruptly walked away one day with not much of an explanation. He told me that he cared a lot about me but needed to work on himself.

Since then, over the last 10 months or so, he has occasionally reached out to me via text. A few times it was to ask me to hang out (as recently as last month) but then he backs out for one made up reason or another every time. Other times he has just texts to say hello or for a holiday etc. Overall, he has initiated majority of the text messages to me but we have not talked on the phone or had other communication with one another in about 10 months. That's just to give you some of the background.

So, fast forward to now, we are both on the same online dating site that we were on when we met. I just discovered he was on it recently. He looked at me so I looked back. Then he looked at me about 20 more times but that's it. I emailed him to say hello and congratulate him on something. He emailed back to congratulate me on something as well. That's it.

This is a guy that I would still be very much interested in dating and felt a type of connection I haven't yet had with anyone else. I think that the problems between us were a result of the timing of us dating and not a result of not being compatible. I am now working and have my normal life back. I realize I was clingy then because I was bored and had too much time on my hands and that wouldn't be an issue now. He is also working. The only thing that still exists, are his commitment and trust issues...which I know, is a big deal.

But he's back online so obviously looking to date. I'm wondering if I should reach out to him and if so, how do I approach it. I almost want to say that I would like to wipe the slate clean and try again if there is any chance of him still being interested in me. it sounds easy enough...but I'm just not sure if I should or how to go about it. Part of me thinks if he was interested, he would contact me being that he is the one that walked away the first time and he knows I was heartbroken. I thought about sending him an email on the dating site just saying that I am in a different place now and so is he etc etc and would he consider going on a date again. But is that too much? Am I doing exactly what a "needy" person would do to someone with commitment issues to scare them away? Should I make it casual and not bring up the past and make a joke or something and then ask to consider dating again? What do you think I should do...if anything at all.

Geez sorry this was so long! I would really appreciate any advice anyone can provide here! thanks!
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #2  June 15,2010, 7:23pm
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Sounds like this guy is too much work. I also wouldnt doubt he is hoping for a FWB type relationship.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #3  June 15,2010, 7:42pm
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I agree that he sounds like he's looking for a fwb situation. What is done is done. I would move on to someone else. The sporadic texting is weird.
 
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DelBG is offline DelBG Post #4  June 15,2010, 7:55pm
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Dear SummerSusan,

I'm gladdened by your post! Too often I think that people forget that the other person on the end of these mails and profiles and messages is, well, a person! I think this is evidenced by the two other posts ahead of me...to sum them up, it's too much work, find someone else. Guess these people are in for a shock when they return to reality and find out that we all have flaws...or maybe they'll just run away from that too.

To your situation I'd like to pose a couple of questions:

1. Would you regret not following up on this guy?
2. How much time are you willing to spend on this?
3. What would it cost you to send that email?
4. How could you protect yourself, or minimize the hurt you had from the last break-up?

All I can come up with for now!

Best of luck!

Del
 
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SummerSusan is offline SummerSusan Post #5  June 15,2010, 7:56pm
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I had a feeling some would see it this way. I'm not going to deny the fact that there is a chance he may have been looking for a FWB situation with the random texting. He never followed through anyway so what's the difference. He also reached out to me other times in text where he was just saying hello and asking how I was doing. The only time the texts were sporadic were when it related to hanging out. I think he has this push pull thing going on with me. He would like to see me, maybe like to sleep with me but then thinks about how I was too needy with him and it's enough to keep him away, sex or not.

I agree, he has some issues to overcome but this was a really different guy to me. We connected in a way I haven't with anyone yet and I am in my mid 30's, as is he. I feel like we met for a reason.

It's like we had such a strong connection and bond in such a short time, that it scared him away.

I'm not looking for people to just tell me to move on because I have since I am talking/dating other guys and it's been almost a year. I just want to know the best approach to this situation.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #6  June 15,2010, 8:06pm
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DelBG wrote :
Dear SummerSusan,

I'm gladdened by your post! Too often I think that people forget that the other person on the end of these mails and profiles and messages is, well, a person! I think this is evidenced by the two other posts ahead of me...to sum them up, it's too much work, find someone else. Guess these people are in for a shock when they return to reality and find out that we all have flaws...or maybe they'll just run away from that too.

To your situation I'd like to pose a couple of questions:

1. Would you regret not following up on this guy?
2. How much time are you willing to spend on this?
3. What would it cost you to send that email?
4. How could you protect yourself, or minimize the hurt you had from the last break-up?

All I can come up with for now!

Best of luck!

Del
Hey Del, if you think that dating should be work then you must love drama.
Dating is not the time to be working on things such as a person who doesnt seem to know what they want.
Your right, nobody is perfect. And when you date, you see what you can live with and what you cant. But to give someone advice to stick with a virtual stranger because they felt they clicked a little. Thats just pure irresponsible advice. Co-dependant thinking even.
 
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SummerSusan is offline SummerSusan Post #7  June 15,2010, 8:08pm
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Del-I really appreciate the response and agree with your statement. In answer to your questions,I would regret never doing anything at all because life is too short and I am ok with swallowing my pride. I would spend as much time as necessary if I think there is more between us than just another random guy. It costs nothing to send the email other than holding out hope for a response I guess. I could protect myself and minimize the hurt by knowing ahead of time what I was dealing with being that I was so "blind" the first time.

My issues aren't so much with the answers around these questions. I'd rather put myself out there and get hurt than hold back for fear. My issue is more in how I go about it. I intentionally backed off and moved on all these months because I figured the more I pursued, the further he would go because of his commitment issues. Had I not seen him online, I never would consider reaching out to him now but I'm assuming he is in a place where he is ready to date again, as am I. I just don't want to "pursue" or contact him again and go about it the wrong way and it ruins any chance of reconciliation.
 
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SummerSusan is offline SummerSusan Post #8  June 15,2010, 8:16pm
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livenlearn wrote :
Hey Del, if you think that dating should be work then you must love drama.
Dating is not the time to be working on things such as a person who doesnt seem to know what they want.
Your right, nobody is perfect. And when you date, you see what you can live with and what you cant. But to give someone advice to stick with a virtual stranger because they felt they clicked a little. Thats just pure irresponsible advice. Co-dependant thinking even.
While I understand where you're coming from, I disagree. Obviously. I realize many people date and feel they click and then things don't work out. However, there are also times there is something more than just "clicking" with a stranger and time, circumstances etc pull those people apart. Sometimes things aren't just black and white and you don't just throw away quality people because they have some flaws.

I am not new to dating and have dated many guys for many months and don't consider revisiting the situation or contacting them etc. I'm not an irrational person that is just looking for drama in a relationship by any means. This was a unique situation for me.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #9  June 15,2010, 8:16pm
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SummerSusan wrote :
I never would consider reaching out to him now but I'm assuming he is in a place where he is ready to date again, as am I..
Assume nothing. You know what they say happens when you assume.
Get on there and ask him if he has dealt with his problem.
You see, you are thinking "potential" with this guy.
From what you wrote above (and us not seeing the potential you want to see) it doesnt look good for what you want.
Sorry, I know you dont want to hear that.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #10  June 15,2010, 8:20pm
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I don't think the mode of contacting him is important ... text, email, whatever. Using the online dating site though seems a little weird since you already know each other.

I wouldn't send a big long epistle on how things have changed, you understand what went wrong, you think there's huge potential here, etc etc. Just say something simple. "I'm wondering if you'd like to get together for lunch one of these days?"

Leave it open. You don't know what's up. In that sense, treat it like a first meet or first date. Where you don't know the outcome.

Good luck! and welcome to EHA!
 
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