Dating Misbehavior...What do You Do?


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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #1  June 14,2010, 6:38pm
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Eons ago I had an actual date. Hard to believe, I know.

So, we had dinner and we were waiting by the waitstaff serving station for our waitress to run the credit card, when I saw my date reach out and take about 10 of the (nicer) drink coasters off the wait station and put them in his pocket.

Me: Ummm...what are you doing?
Him: Taking some coasters home.
Me: Stealing?
Him: It's not stealing.
Me: Yes it is.
Him: Everybody does it.
Me: No they don't.
Him: The restaurant expects you to.
Me: Then why don't you just ask for them.
Him: I'll just put them back if you're going to make a big deal out of it.
Me: Okay.

So, he did, but he didn't see that I saw him sneak them back into his pocket when he thought I wasn't looking.

I didn't go out with him again.

So, if you're on a date, and someone engages in behavior that you find....let's say less-than acceptable, do you confront? Do you talk about it? Do you just accept it? Do you not say anything and then make up a reason not to see them again? Do you offer to help?

Not just stealing - I'm talking about any behavior that you wouldn't engage in and aren't comfortable with - texting, answering the phone, being rude to waitstaff, road rage...have you had it happen and what did you do?
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #2  June 14,2010, 6:53pm
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Nope, I just wont see them again.
I am not going to be the one to "raise" them (for lack of better words).
 
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TryingHardToNotTrySoHard is offline TryingHardToNotTrySoHard Post #3  June 14,2010, 6:59pm
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It depends on the behavior. If it's an anger issue, like road rage, or a tiny annoyance, like texting while on the date, leave it alone. The first case might turn out very badly for you and the second might be a mountain for you and a molehill for someone else.

For things like stealing, smoking pot, etc., that are illegal, yeah, I'd confront on that like you did and not see the person again.

My rule of thumb: if it's something safe for you to confront him on that will turn off everyone in his future, do him the favor of letting him know. Otherwise, keep it to yourself and move on.
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  June 14,2010, 7:58pm
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Reminds me of "Look Who's Talking". She went on several dates after having Bruce Willis and would imagine them in future scenarios with her child. The one that sticks in my mind is the man who complained about spots on his silverware and something in his water.


I say it depends on what it is that was done. And, if it was intentional or not. I've been nervous on dates and dropped food on my shirt so many time they must think I'm a total klutz.

I had the date, years ago, where the guy took me to a fancy restaurant and took off his hooded sweatshirt at the table. It wasn't "bad behavior" but it certainly didn't win him a second date.

Hmmm, makes me think though. Have I ever dated anyone that has done something like stealing or other less than legal actions. Does providing alcohol to a minor count as one? Yes, the minor was me!

Oh, wait, I did have one date that I dumped because he seemed mean spirited. We were driving on the beach near the shoreline at night. He came upon a flock of seagulls and they started flying. He purposely steered into them and laughed when he hit one or two.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #5  June 14,2010, 8:20pm
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I might bring it up just to see their side of it, see what they say. I don't know if I would argue or congront them about it ~ I guess that depends on the person and situation and if I think they are open- or closed-minded.

So I'd just absorb as much as I can about how they think and why, etc. Then make a decision whether I want to continue or not (in most cases, I won't continue.... I wouldn't if I came across the situation you described).

Richey
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope Post #6  June 14,2010, 8:20pm
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The most common 'misbehavior' that I see is treating the server and bus-people (?) in a restaurant poorly.

I usually respond by being extra nice in a very obvious way to the restaurant staff and then I try to cut the evening short (with no future dates). I think being rude to waiters/waitresses is inexcusable, and I view it as a tip-of-the-iceberg kind of thing.

If the idea is to show your date your attractive qualities, then this behavior is just plain dumb.
Last edited by lacedwithhope; June 14,2010 at 8:22pm. Reason: (and no, I don't confront them...)
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  June 14,2010, 8:58pm
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Richey, I will happily delete your double posts.

And I have to add that in the case of the seagull guy, I did confront him. Right there in the truck. I think I was lucky he didn't kick me out and let me walk home.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #8  June 15,2010, 1:11am
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Believe it or not, I'm not really a very confrontational kind of person :-) so unless it is an extreme behavior - where someone else is actually being hurt in the process - I'd just take a mental note of it and not go out with that person again.

As livenlearn said, it's not my job to teach them how to behave appropriately (and, in your case, LBMM, legally) in public.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #9  June 15,2010, 5:39am

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BikerBeagle wrote :
Believe it or not, I'm not really a very confrontational kind of person :-) so unless it is an extreme behavior - where someone else is actually being hurt in the process - I'd just take a mental note of it and not go out with that person again.

As livenlearn said, it's not my job to teach them how to behave appropriately (and, in your case, LBMM, legally) in public.
I disagree with this.

if it's behavior like theft or driving into seagulls, I am going to tell them they are acting inappropriately. they need to know their behavior is unacceptable because clearly they weren't raised well.

it bothers me that some people feel it is ok to let things go without saying something- it's Not My Problem syndrome. I have to live in this world, and I'd like it to be a better place.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #10  June 15,2010, 7:14am
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Yeah, if I feel safe doing it, I definitely confront people like Seagull guy. Especially people like Seagull guy. Andie! What an awful experience.

Takes a village, idiots, etc.
 
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