Andie0264 is offline Andie0264 Post #1  June 13,2010, 6:05am
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I am no dating neophyte. I have always been pretty open and honest about whether or not I wanted to see someone again. It has been brought to my attention, however, that being the first to email to say I had a good time and would enjoy seeing him again after a first meeting is putting pressure on the guy and that I should refrain from sending such an email and let him make the first contact. For example, I had a first meeting last night. We met for dinner. He picked up the check despite my offer to split it. We had a nice, seemingly affectionate and sincere hug in the parking lot. I sent him an email this morning thanking him again for dinner, telling him I enjoyed finally meeting him and that I'd enjoy seeing him again if he is interested. Apparently telling him I'd enjoy seeing him again is pressuring him in some way.

I'm told I need to "play" a little hard to get, to not be so available, to not show how interested I am. Being available is too desperate, showing interest is pressure. I honestly don't know what the "rules" are for dating. If I have a good time, I say so. If I'd like to see him again, I say so. If I don't, I email and say it was nice meeting him but I didn't feel any chemistry and wish him well. I don't wait three days or whatever the "rule" is for responding to a date.

Can someone help me out here? I am completely at a loss. Considering everyone says they don't want someone who plays games, that appears to be what is expected and I haven't a clue how to do it.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  June 13,2010, 6:10am
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Its not a game. Its a real and normal relationship dynamic that no one (at least around here) seems to want to admit exists.
 
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Andie0264 is offline Andie0264 Post #3  June 13,2010, 6:16am
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Nanette wrote :
Its not a game. Its a real and normal relationship dynamic that no one (at least around here) seems to want to admit exists.
I'm confused. What is a real and normal relationship dynamic?
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #4  June 13,2010, 6:30am
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You are right.

Close to every man wants to see return interest. Some have the self-respect, or experience, do require it.

Playing this insane "chase me" game only attractes someone equally into a game.

***

Personally, I set the second meeting plan during the first.

The only thing I think you could have improved in your story, was to have in your e-mail a second meeting suggestion.
 
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Andie0264 is offline Andie0264 Post #5  June 13,2010, 6:48am
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D_Lion wrote :
You are right.

Close to every man wants to see return interest. Some have the self-respect, or experience, do require it.

Playing this insane "chase me" game only attractes someone equally into a game.

***

Personally, I set the second meeting plan during the first.

The only thing I think you could have improved in your story, was to have in your e-mail a second meeting suggestion.
I didn't suggest a second meeting time as I recently got burned when I did that. I had a great, spontaneous first date with a guy that lasted several hours. Long story short, at the end we both said we really enjoyed the date and set up a time to go out again in 2 days. We swapped phone numbers, putting the other's into our phones. We said we'd talk to confirm the date. I emailed, then texted, and finally called to confirm the date and never heard from the guy again. Once burned, twice shy.

If last night's guy wants to go out again I will happily suggest a time and place to do that.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #6  June 13,2010, 7:30am
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Andie0264 wrote :
I didn't suggest a second meeting time as I recently got burned when I did that. I had a great, spontaneous first date with a guy that lasted several hours. Long story short, at the end we both said we really enjoyed the date and set up a time to go out again in 2 days. We swapped phone numbers, putting the other's into our phones. We said we'd talk to confirm the date. I emailed, then texted, and finally called to confirm the date and never heard from the guy again. Once burned, twice shy.

I have a pattern of favorable experience with doing it this way. I find the women who participate in planning the second meeting are more likely to stick around, are less flakey, and are more likely to turn into a relationship. It's been a strong predictor.
 
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Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #7  June 13,2010, 7:40am
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Nanette wrote :
Its not a game. Its a real and normal relationship dynamic that no one (at least around here) seems to want to admit exists.
Wow - playing games has never, ever been part of any 'relationship dynamic' I have been part of. I started to say 'maybe it's my age', because I certainly don't have time to play games that don't involve Scrabble tiles or handcuffs; hawever, I didn't 'play games' as a young person, either. Manipulation is a negative way to begin any relationship, whether it be friendship, romantic or professional. Be genuine, authentic and expect the same - even if matches don't work, you will still be you in the morning, and have no regrets that you weren't playing the game correctly.
 
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dmi is online now dmi Post #8  June 13,2010, 7:57am
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Andie0264 wrote :
I'm confused. What is a real and normal relationship dynamic?
Women have an advantage in that if a guy is interested, he will call. They know the interest is there where as a guy has to guess.

Men have an advantage in that if they are not interested all they normally have to do to terminate the relationship is do nothing (don't call or write or text and she'll go away). Women have to deal with a guy calling and actively terminate the relationship.

You've reversed the normal dynamic by emailing so quickly. Hopefully, he's interested enough for it not to matter.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #9  June 13,2010, 8:40am
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dmi wrote :
Women have an advantage in that if a guy is interested, he will call. They know the interest is there where as a guy has to guess.
Making this assumption is one of the things that makes women vulnerable to mistaking calling for "interest" - and "interest" for interested in the same things she is.


dmi wrote :
Men have an advantage in that if they are not interested all they normally have to do to terminate the relationship is do nothing (don't call or write or text and she'll go away). Women have to deal with a guy calling and actively terminate the relationship.
In my experience, most women "poof," whereas I never have.


dmi wrote :
You've reversed the normal dynamic by emailing so quickly. Hopefully, he's interested enough for it not to matter.
In my experience, all interested women will e-mail that night or latest the next day. (Though, I can only speak to my demographic and location.) For me, a woman who waits is not worth calling again (none of these devoloped into anything except "where are you going to take me this week" leeches.)
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #10  June 13,2010, 8:44am
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dmi wrote :
Women have an advantage in that if a guy is interested, he will call. They know the interest is there where as a guy has to guess.

Men have an advantage in that if they are not interested all they normally have to do to terminate the relationship is do nothing (don't call or write or text and she'll go away). Women have to deal with a guy calling and actively terminate the relationship.

You've reversed the normal dynamic by emailing so quickly. Hopefully, he's interested enough for it not to matter.
Thank you. Most people understand this. And most people that think like you usually get discouraged from posting because of the incessant insistence of how wrong they perceive you to be, when you actually aren't.

Men and women are not the same. As much as some people want them to be, they just aren't and they respond to different things.

If you want the same end result, just keep doing the same thing.

If you do the same thing, you'll wind up with the same kind of relationships and people.
 
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