City Mouse/Country Mouse


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2clueless is offline 2clueless Post #1  June 12,2010, 4:06pm
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Had an interesting first phone conversation with a match. We are in the same state but I am on the periphery of urban and he on the cusp of rural living. It's only about an hour and a half drive time but it is a very different lifestyle. More or less, his vision is an almost quasi rural life with his motorcycle, the ocean, etc. And my idea is more urban. I was able to express what I found appealing about his vision. I am pretty flexible and have lived in many different settings. I could do suburban as a compromise thing, but rural--not likely. On the other hand, he seemed more rigid, expressing strong distaste--even disdain--for a more urban lifestyle. He hinted that home values being what they were (making the burbs unaffordable) he envisions himself moving out of state.

Eh, now what? It was a good conversation but I'd be dishonest if I didn't say that I found parts of it offputting.

Is this a pink flag--proceed with caution. Part of me thinks that there are those things we want in the abstract and then there are those things we'd compromise over for a partner. I don't even know if I like him yet or if these things will matter, so this part of me says to keep getting to know him and then see. I tend to eliminate easily/screen heavily and sometimes I fear I throw away the baby with the bath water.

Another part of me think that this a red flag--non starter. He used the word "hate" and it seemed to be an issue he had given some thought to. He didn't issue any qualifiers and easily fell into stereotypes at times. It's not just a geographical difference/lifestyle preference but almost like a worldview thing. I'm kind of a crunchy, public transportation, neighborhoody type who talks to strangers. He expressed a clear preference for a more insular and isolated life. Undoubtedly, I left the conversation considerably less attracted to him than I started. Less because of his vision for the future and more because of the inflexibility that I got a slight whiff of.

Keep going?
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  June 12,2010, 4:12pm
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If you are flexible and willing to move it may be okay to try - provided you are willing as a personal matter to be doing the accomodating on this issue.

Note, that you being accomodating to someone who is not, while appearing to be compatible, is also selecting a person of sharply differing values.

You may find a problem like this to be an endless problem, too, if you wish to return to meet friends / go out to eat, etc, while he doesn't.

I consider lifestyle choices like this to be major.
 
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Cape_Codder is offline Cape_Codder Post #3  June 12,2010, 4:14pm

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No! start running. You are living in two different worlds.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #4  June 12,2010, 4:18pm
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One thing I forgot, is that it can be a bad assumption to assume that someone is always inflexible.

This person might be quite flexible about some other topics - and some of those might be important to you. You lose the chance to find out, when you react to a single point of data.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #5  June 12,2010, 4:20pm
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I have had a similar experience this week. I have been corresponding briefly, but for the second time, with a man whose profile I find very interesting and attractive. We seem to suit each other in many ways, except for the urban/rural difference.

Reluctantly, I have decided that it won't work. I'm looking forward to moving to a larger urban centre so that I can enjoy all that city life has to offer, but he is firmly fixed in the rural lifestyle. In addition, he prefers solitude over socializing.

Having given my choice of location a lot of thought as I prepare for retirement in a few years, I'm not so flexible on that issue as I was when I was younger.
 
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2clueless is offline 2clueless Post #6  June 12,2010, 4:25pm
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annother wrote :
I have had a similar experience this week. I have been corresponding briefly, but for the second time, with a man whose profile I find very interesting and attractive. We seem to suit each other in many ways, except for the urban/rural difference.

Reluctantly, I have decided that it won't work. I'm looking forward to moving to a larger urban centre so that I can enjoy all that city life has to offer, but he is firmly fixed in the rural lifestyle. In addition, he prefers solitude over socializing.

Having given my choice of location a lot of thought as I prepare for retirement in a few years, I'm not so flexible on that issue as I was when I was younger.
He is a bit older than me and on the cusp of (early) retirement. He wants to go back to school and has a lot of freedom to really do what he wants where he wants. Perhaps we are just at different life stages as well? I think I am leaning towards red flag on this one. But I am willing to try another conversation and other topics to see.
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #7  June 12,2010, 8:32pm
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This seems like a pretty big deal to me. Small town/rural life is extremely different from life in a city and there are people who are most definitely cut out for one or the other. I lived in a small town almost my entire life. Now that I've moved into the city, I doubt I ever live in a small town again for a lot of reasons. This would probably cause me to move on.
 
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churumbeque is offline churumbeque Post #8  June 13,2010, 4:36pm
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I live in a rural area and have a little horse ranch. My preference is country life but if I had the resources I would love a place in the city also as a get away. Don't rule him out yet. You might enjoy some peace and quiet and he might like the night life the city has to offer on occasion.
 
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amused_n_confused is offline amused_n_confused Post #9  June 13,2010, 4:49pm
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I am currently dealing with a similar situation. I've been seeing this guy for the past month. He lives about an hour and a half away in a more rural area where I pretty much live right next to a major city.

I find I like him a lot, but I also know that I cannot see myself not living close to a major city. We've talked about our ideal living situations and he definitely pushed the idea of wanting to live on a big piece of land away from the city, where he can grow his own fruits and vegetables and not be right on top of his neighbors. I've also expressed that I prefer living near a city (suburbs) where I don't have to worry about not finding places open if I feel like I want to do something later in the evening. Also, for the sake of my career, it would be more beneficial if I were located by a major city.

I feel like this is kind of a deal breaker, but when I've chatted with some of my friends about this, they seem to think I am being unreasonable for ruling out a guy because of this and that I should be willing to compromise. So for now, I've been rolling with it, even though I am a firm believer in being completely honest and not wasting anyone's time when it comes to developing a relationship...

What do you guys think?
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #10  June 13,2010, 9:52pm
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Urban vs. rural and social butterfly vs. recluse are big differences. If you end up as a couple, you will have to be very creative to find ways to live together happily. And each of you will probably not get what you thought was your ideal life.

Is that something you'd take on for, let's say, the love of your life?

How attracted were you before you had this conversation? Very? Mildly?

I could see giving it a shot ... at least talk a little more, meet once or twice.
 
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